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“I didn’t plan on tellin’ her, but it just came out—said I loved her, I’d always loved her, and as wrong as it was, if she’d told me she loved me too, I would have been with her. You should know that, Sutton. I’m that selfish.”
He opened his mouth to respond, but I shook my head. I needed to do this, needed to get this out. I wiped the tears again, trying to speak around the tightness in my throat. “She said she loved him…she had a family. She said I shouldn’t’ve told her, and she was right. Nadine told me she needed space and left. That was the last time I talked to her before she died.”
“Jesus, and you spent the rest of your life hatin’ yourself for it. Hell, you hated yourself for it before you even told her. You’re not selfish, Uncle Brian. You were in love with her, and you didn’t walk away when she fell in love with your brother. You were good to my dad…you were my mama’s best friend. And when they died, you raised the son she had with another man.”
“I raised my nephew,” I corrected because Sutton was more to me than just what he’d said. “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t got nothin’ to apologize for, but if it makes you feel better, I forgive you. I want you to be happy…she would too…they both would.”
Deep down, I knew he was right. Nadine had been confused and hurt, she’d been surprised I’d shared my truth, but she never would have walked away from me just like she never would have hurt her husband. She didn’t have it in her.
Finally, my tears began to dry. The fist around my heart loosened, even if just slightly. I couldn’t help remembering when Sutton told me how he felt about Jasper, and thought maybe I owed him that too. He was still there, sitting with me despite what I’d told him about his mama. “Me and Charles…I got feelings for him. We’re together, I guess you would say. I don’t expect it to last—I don’t have much to offer him—but I wanted to be the one to tell you. I didn’t want you to hear it somewhere else.”
“I never thought I’d get Jasp, and it happened. Don’t count yourself out without a fight. You’re a good man. That’s what you have to offer Charles.”
I smiled, which surprised me. I wouldn’t have thought I had it in me right then, not with my emotions all twisted up. “He gets me to do things I never thought I would—like the playin’ in the bar—just by being him. I am the way I am and always will be, but sometimes I do want to try more, and bein’ with him makes it easier.”
Sutton chuckled. “She could’ve knocked me down with her pinky, I was so shocked when Kendra told me she saw you.” I laughed too. “He makes you happy?”
“He does. Makes me feel things I never thought I could.”
“You could have told me you were into men as well…even before you knew about Jasp, or after.”
I rubbed a hand over my face, not wanting to get into too many details. “I didn’t know…didn’t figure I was into anyone except Nadine. I loved her for so long, but it was more than that. I don’t feel attraction like most folks. I’ve never experienced it for anyone ’cept her and Charles. I know that’s probably hard to understand, but—”
“No, it’s not,” he interrupted. “I did research on some things because of me and Jasp, and I read about that. Demisexual, right? Makes sense, considering you didn’t really date or anything. That don’t make you weird, Uncle Brian. The world is a lot bigger and a lot more diverse than Ryland wants people to think, but we can challenge that and show ’em differently.”
I chuckled. “Don’t much care what others think. I’m not the kinda guy who wants to take on the world or be a lesson for others. I just want… For the first time in my life, I feel happy. Normal. I thought I’ve been in love with your mama this whole time, but now I don’t even know. Not after how it feels with him. Maybe I stopped bein’ in love with her a long time ago.” I didn’t doubt my love for Nadine. I knew how I felt, but had I still been in love with her memory this whole time? Or had it faded even before I met Charles?
Sutton was quiet for a minute. I could see him mulling things over, see the wheels turning in his head. Maybe this was too much for him to talk about and I should have stopped while I was ahead. Finally, he said, “Maybe you held on to her so tight for so long because she was the only person you’d ever felt that connection with…those romantic feelings. Is that what you mean?”
