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Reeva scrunched up the list into a ball and threw it in the bin. She was sick of people disappointing her. First her parents. Then her sisters. Her boyfriend. And now her best friend. She needed a break from all of them—even the ones who were already taking a break from her. And she didn’t need to do it for £69 a night in a Travelodge. She could do it right here at home. She still had another week of bereavement leave booked off work, and she very much doubted Lee would mention her return to London. Her sisters didn’t want to see her. And now that she wasn’t speaking to Nick or Lakshmi, there was no one else who cared where she was. The only person who might worry was Satya Auntie, but once Reeva called her to explain what she was thinking of doing, she’d doubtless be on board. Because Reeva was going to turn her home into the retreat she’d been craving. There was no need for her to go to a Buddhist monastery in Nepal; she could re-create the relaxing vibes right here. She’d just turn her phone off, put on some spa music, and enjoy the solitude. For the first time in her life, Reeva was ready to be completely and utterly alone.
—
Reeva was lyingon the sofa, ordering wigs on the internet, and eating ice cream out of the tub, determinedlynotthinking about her loss of hair, boyfriend, sisters, and best friend, when her intercom buzzed. She frowned. It was probably just a delivery driver, with a parcel for her ASOS-obsessed neighbor, but she wasn’t in the mood to see anyone. Especially while she still had a T-shirt around her head. The buzzer rang again. Reeva reluctantly got up to answer it, then paused. This washerretreat. The whole point was to finally put herself first. She didn’t have to be a people-pleaser anymore. She could be selfish instead. This revelation felt revolutionary. Every member of her entire family—and everyguy she’d dated—had been living that philosophy for years. But it hadn’t ever occurred to Reeva. Until now.
She selfishly sat back down on the sofa, turned up Taylor Swift (it was more cathartic than spa music), and, determinedly ignoring the persistent buzzer, carried on wig shopping. She’d decided to order a whole selection with immediate next-day delivery. Even though she was planning to be alone in her flat, she couldn’t bear the sight of her baldness in the mirror. She needed some hair, stat.
“Hello? Reeva?”
There was a knock at the door. And the male voice sounded familiar. Surely it couldn’t be...
“It’s me. Nick.”
He was meant to be in LA! What was he doing here? And how had he gotten through the front door of her building?
“Are you there? One of your neighbors let me in.”
Reeva panicked. She couldn’t see him like this. The T-shirt was just about acceptable to get from her car to her flat—but not to have a face-to-face conversation with her ex-boyfriend. Shit. He didn’t even know he was her ex-boyfriend.
“Uh, I can hear your music, Reeva. Look. I know you don’t want to speak to me and you’ve blocked my calls. But I really want to talk. Could you let me in?”
Reeva closed her eyes. She could do this. She had to. It wasn’t fair of her to ghost him without an explanation. God knows she’d been on the receiving end of it often enough. She needed to break up with him like the adult she was. She just needed to do it without him seeing her.
“Is that ‘We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together’ in the background?” asked Nick. “Please don’t tell me you’re dumping me via Taylor Swift.”
Reeva turned off the music. “Sorry. Uh, yeah, I’m here. Obviously. But, Nick, I’m really sorry; you can’t come in.”
“I just want to talk, Reeva.”
She winced. “I’m sorry. I just... I really can’t see you right now. Can we talk through here?”
“Through the door?”
Reeva nodded then remembered he couldn’t see her. “Sorry, yes. Like... Pyramus and Thisbe.” She paused. “I guess that was a wall, not a door. But still.”
Nick laughed ruefully. “Wow. Okay. That’s a lot to not even want to see my face. I’m assuming you saw the photographs.”
Reeva stood closer to the door. “Yes. All of them. I am fully up-to-date with all recent Hot Lips gossip.”
“I promise it’s not what it looks like, Reeva. Nothing happened between us. Absolutely nothing.”
Reeva felt her heart tighten as her stomach simultaneously lurched. That was exactly what Rakesh had said when she’d found the photos of Jaya on his phone. Only he’d been lying. She couldn’t believe Nick was putting her in this position again. Was she destined to be cheated on forever? Was there something intrinsically wrong with her? She squeezed her eyes shut and swallowed her sobs. It was fine. It didn’t matter. She was done with Nick anyway. She’d already decided—she needed to be with someone less complicated. Someone who called her when he said he would. Someone who didn’t entertain ridiculously attractive twenty-seven-year-olds in trench coats.
“Reeva, please say something. Or let me explain.”
“It’s fine. It doesn’t matter. It wasn’t working anyway. Between us, I mean. We should just leave it here. It was good while we lasted, but it wasn’t going to work long-term.”
“What?” Nick sounded pained. “But why? I thought we were working really well. Please don’t let this ruin everything.”
Reeva didn’t know what to say. How could she explain everything to him without admitting how unsafe and anxious she felt around him? He’d think she was crazy and insecure. Which she was. But she didn’t want him to know that. She’d have to tell him about her bald patch. The fact that deep down she felt she wasn’t good enough. How she’d lie awake agonizing about him not calling when he said he would. It was all so private and embarrassing. If he knew, she’d come across as a tragic Bridget Jones obsessing about his every move, all while he’d been happily hanging out with half-naked pop stars.
Nick sighed. “I guess it’s on me to explain everything first. God. I just... I feel like such a knob saying it’s complicated, but the truth is that Daniella—that’s her real name—only came over to talk the other night. I know it looks bad, but I swear to you that nothing sexual or romantic happened. It was just a chat. As friends.”
Reeva felt her heart start to crumble. She reached out a hand to steady herself. This was exactly the conversation she’d been hoping to avoid by deciding she was done with Nick that morning. But now it was happening anyway, and the agony was unbearable. She wanted to believe Nick, just as much as she’d wanted to believe Rakesh. But she couldn’t ignore the voice of reason in the back of her head. She leaned against the door and slid down until she was slumped on the floor, clutching her knees tight to her chest. “How am I meant to believe you, Nick?” she whispered.
She heard Nick sit down on the other side of the door. “I know it looks bad. I do. But you have to trust me, Reeva. I know you’ve been hurt in the past, but I’m not like your ex. I really,really like you. I wouldn’t fuck this up by cheating on you. Especially with someone like Dani—uh, Hot Lips. I wouldn’t. Please believe me.”
A tear rolled down Reeva’s cheek. Her hard resolve to dump Nick was melting. She liked him; she really, really did. But she still knew she couldn’t believe him. She wouldn’t let herself. She couldn’t go through this all again. She couldn’t date a man who made her feel like she wasn’t good enough.
