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“So do you think he was sober for all that time?” asked Reeva softly. “He only told Mum he was a few years ago.”
“Maybe. Or maybe he was secretly drinking until recently. There are some things we’ll never know.”
“I can’t believe I was the one who almost died—not the cat. And that it was because of him. I just... I don’t know if I hate him or if I feel sorry for him.”
Satya Auntie nodded. “I understand. But does it need to be one or the other? This is a big thing—it makes sense you’re feeling big feelings. Contradicting ones too. Maybe there’s space for you to feel them all.”
Reeva looked down at the bedsheet. “Yeah. I guess you’re right. How do you feel? Knowing he was your brother and he did this?”
“I feel sad. That he had so many problems and I wasn’t around. That his actions led to such devastation. And that he never felt he could speak honestly about it all.”
“It’s crazy he never told you. Or anyone, actually.”
“I hope he was able to confide in people at the mandir,” said Satya Auntie. “Or at least in God. Because I know that while Hemant made some serious mistakes, he lived with a lot of guilt afterward. And everyone deserves forgiveness.”
“But does that mean I need to forgive him? Because I really don’t think I can.”
Her aunt shook her head. “You don’t need to do anything other than listen to yourself and do what’s right for you.”
Reeva sighed. “I wish I knew what that was. I don’t even know if I’m doing the right thing in not going to the kriya. I don’t evenknow if I should try again with Nick—it’s a long story. Or maybe it’s not—I broke up with him because I didn’t feel I could be myself with him. I just... I’m realizing more and more that I don’t actually know anything.”
Her aunt smiled. “Well, that is the very first step on the path to enlightenment. Realizing that despite the ego’s self-will, we actually know nothing. At all.”
“I can’t say I feel very enlightened,” said Reeva, raising an eyebrow. “If anything, I feel like a total mess.”
“I hear you, beta.And I know that it can feel overwhelming to make decisions when you’re in that space. But remember that you’re right where you need to be. You’re perfect as you are—with your flaws, your imperfections, and your wounds.”
Reeva felt tears prick her eyes. “Thank you. But I don’t feel perfect. I shaved all my hair off. I’m bald.”
“That’s wonderful!”
“It... is?”
“You’re showing your vulnerability to the world! It’s beautiful. I’m proud of you.”
“Well, I’m currently hiding it with a wig, but... thanks.” Reeva bit her bottom lip. “I just don’t know what to do, Satya Auntie! With my dad, with Nick, with Lakshmi...”
“I’ve always believed everything we do comes from either love or fear. So every choice we make ultimately comes down to—are we giving in to fear or are we choosing love?”
Reeva nodded slowly. “Fear or love. Okay. I guess most of my choices right now are because I’m scared. Of getting hurt. But I’m also scared of making the wrong choice.”
“Don’t worry so much about right and wrong. You don’t need to judge yourself, Reeva—or take things so seriously. Remember, life isn’t an exam.”
“You’re right. I need to work on not being so hard on myself. More homework.”
“It doesn’t need to be homework.” Her aunt laughed. “It’s just listening to your feelings and coming back to yourself. If you’re suffering a lot, then you’ve probably made a choice that’s taken you further away from yourself. If you feel good, you’ve probably done something authentic. It’s the same thing we’ve been talking about all this time with truth. The meaning of life is to be authentic. To live it all as yourself. To do what feels right for you. That’s it. Exam passed.”
Reeva looked down at her aunt’s hands. They looked bare without her trademark silver rings. She was dying, yet didn’t seem to be outwardly suffering anywhere near as much as Reeva was. Which suggested that unlike her aunt, Reeva had already made many, many decisions that had taken her away from her authentic self. “What do you do if you’ve done the opposite? The inauthentic stuff?”
“You exercise compassion and start listening to your intuition. Now.” Her aunt sat up in bed and clapped her hands together. “Let’s ring the buzzer and get that lovely nurse to bring up some hot water so we can make tulsi teas. It’ll help us both with inner balance. How does that sound?”
“How many tea bags do you have?” asked Reeva. “I think I’m going to need them all.”
CHAPTER 25
Day 13
Reeva buzzed thefront door of her dad’s house for the third time. “Hello? Can someone let me in? Oh my god.” She banged on the door with her fists. “I can hear music! Let me in!”
