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Fuck.
“Especially if this mission would somehow help us get Dade back,” he added.
Double fuck.
I studied Felix for a moment, wondering if he knew.
But he blinked again, and that glassy look on his face returned, as did his appetite. He started piling food in his mouth while I started to figure out how to have sex before tomorrow.
The fact that Felix— Felix, of all people — could be right about something like this was enough for me to weigh my options. When I went to Alchemy in the morning, I pretended to take notes. Instead, I wrote a pros and cons list about following through with losing my virginity. I didn’t like admitting that Felix was right, but I also couldn’t deny it either.
By the time I finished, I already knew what the correct answer would be. If I wanted my first time to be decent and not some traumatizing experience that would haunt me for the rest of my life, I would need to find a way to do this today. Tonight. Whenever.
Now that I knew following through was my preference, I needed to narrow down just who I would be doing it with.
Felix was already taken, and even if he wasn’t, I didn’t think I could get the courage to force myself to be attracted to him. He was my brother, practically, and thinking about him sexually was not something I could or wanted to do, no matter what Kazu-sensei suggested. Plus, he was already seeing someone and I wasn’t going to even put him in a position where he would feel pressure to help me with something like that. I knew he used to have a crush on me, and I refused to be one of those girls who were absolutely delighted to take advantage of that.
Besides Felix and Dade, I wasn’t familiar with many guys in a way that would allow me to be comfortable to proposition them for one night of sex. Sure, the captains were people I interacted with on a daily basis, the other elite squad members were people I trained with, but that didn’t mean I was truly comfortable with them in such a vulnerable position.
The longer I thought about it, the more (name) was beginning to look like my best option,
Unless you chose Kazu-sensei.
I straightened at the mere thought of such a vile suggestion, causing a couple of students sitting next to me to side-eye me with suspicion.
It’s not like he said no when you said what you said,
I wanted to scoff. He didn’t need to say no. Not after the look he gave me. It was obvious he was disgusted with even the thought of doing something like that with me, and honestly, I couldn’t blame him. It wasn’t as though I expected him to be attracted to me. He probably looked at me the same way I looked at Felix — like an annoying sibling.
And I…
Well, I could tell that Kazu was an attractive guy. If I denied that, I’d be a liar. And there were times I might stare just a little too long only because the sun hit his eyes in a way that caused them to lighten or his silver hair was messy in a way I hadn’t noticed before. I would be blind if I didn’t notice these things, just like the rest of the female population did.
But that didn’t mean I was attracted to him, or wanted to have sex with him. Hell, I didn’t even like him, and I knew he didn’t like me.
Anyway.
Rocky.
The one thing (name) had that I appreciated was the fact that he wasn’t my captain. No line would be crossed if he was the one I chose to lose my virginity to. I could count on his discretion. I wasn’t sure if he was seeing someone — I hoped he wasn’t because that would complicate things and he was my only potential prospect as of right now because Kazu-sensei definitely didn’t count — but maybe I could talk to him myself and see if he’d be willing to help me.
My heart stuttered at the thought. I wasn’t sure I was cut out for this. I wasn’t sexy or flirtatious. The one alluring part of me were my legs, and I really didn’t get to show them off in the winter. In fact, I couldn’t remember the last time I shaved, which I definitely needed to fix if I was going to have sex tonight.
Once Alchemy finished, I cut through to the training grounds. Elite squads got the training grounds in the mornings while the rest of the academy had the grounds in the afternoon. Though my specific training with my squad wasn’t until third hour, I decided if I was going to select Rocky as my target, I might as well see if he was even interested in the first place. If he wasn’t willing to do it, I would still have time to find someone else.
It was easy to spot him. Rocky was already present on the training grounds…speaking to Kazu. They were in the corner of the grounds, and whatever they were speaking about seemed to be serious.
My stomach sank.
I had a bad feeling about this.
Regardless, I forced myself to walk over to the two of them. Kazu noticed me first. His eyes widened in recognition, mouth dropped open to either say something or because he was in shock, I wasn’t sure.
But I couldn’t have him ruining this for me.
Before he could do it say anything, I forced myself to lick eyes with Rocky. “Captain Shiroiokami,” I said. “Can I talk to you, please? It’s important.”
Rocky glanced over at Kazu, almost like he was asking permission. My stomach sank even further. There was no way —
