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“I’m not going to have this argument with you again,” I said. “I picked the guy I want to, you know, do this with —“
“If you can’t even say the words, Rocky is too much for you,” Kazu said.
“I’m listening to you,” I said.
“And I’m telling you, Rocky is the wrong person to do this with,” he said.
“Why?” I asked, arching a brow, daring him to explain it. “Tell me why. Because I don’t understand — he’s good looking, he’s a wolf, he’ll be discreet, he’s older and more experienced, and he’ll understand nothing can come from this. It can’t go anywhere. I think he’s perfect.”
“You're delusional,” Kazu said.
“Then you suggest someone,” I said, flipping a wrist in his direction. “You’re constantly telling me how wrong I am about how I’m going about this and now you’re critiquing my selection. I had two different guys potentially, and you’ve stopped me from trying my hand at either one. So, you figure it out.”
“Me?”
“You’re the one who brought this up in the first place!” I exclaimed. I bit my tongue to keep myself from saying anything else, from getting too emotional in front of him, thus proving his point about his criticism about me and why I couldn’t handle missions like this one. “You’re the one who refuses to let me do anything. So, yes, you pick someone for me to do this with. And remember, I only have today to figure it out. I leave tomorrow morning —“
“Weleave tomorrow morning,” he corrected, eyes shifting over to the side. “I’m your contact, remember? I’m the one who’s going to lead you where you have to go. And when you get information, you’ll contact me and then tell me what you’ve discovered so I can pass it along to the pack.”
Great. I had completely forgotten he was part of this.
“If you can’t figure this out,” I said slowly, “there’s honestly no point in stopping me. I only have tonight. It’s the full moon. And as much as it pains to admit it, you are right. I’d rather choose someone to give my virginity to than to lose it in a brutal, traumatic way. But I can’t do that when I have you constantly telling me how wrong I am. Give me one good reason why Rocky is a bad choice and I’ll back off. Or give me a name in place of Rocky’s. But don’t just tell me I’m wrong without helping me come up with a solution.” A beat. I hesitated. I wasn’t going to say it. I swore, I wasn’t going to push the limit. But that annoyance that had been swirling around in my chest was enough to push me even more than I thought I could go. And honestly, at this point, I just wanted to mess with him because of this stupid game he created in the first place. “So, unless you’re offering yourself to do the job, I expect some kind of answer. And if you don’t have one, I’m going to talk to Rocky, whether you like it or not.”
“You arenottalking to Rocky,” he growled, taking a step towards me. He was already a great deal taller than me, and the closer he got to me, the more I understood that. But I also knew he wasn’t trying to intimidate me. Not really.
“You aren’t my father,” I replied. “You don’t get to dictate how I live my personal life. You’re my sensei — youweremy sensei. And now you’re my captain. You can tell me what to do on missions, you can grade me, you can critique me. But you don’t control my private life. And deep down, you know this.” I shook my head, unable to release my hold on his gaze. “So what’s your problem? Because I know you know this too.”
“You keep saying me.” Kazu’s voice had gotten soft, but there was an edge to his voice that I was surprised to hear. Because it meant something, but I couldn’t figure out just what that was. “You would really accept me in your bed, Embyrlyn? You really want me to touch you in places you’ve never even touched yourself?”
He took a step forward and then another until he was directly in front of me. His chest was centimeters from my own to the point where I could feel his heat radiate off of him and overwhelm me. He smelled like a forest bathed in the glow of the full moon on a clear night. There was something clean to his scent, something spicy, and I found myself leaning forward so I could take in more of him.
“You want me to cross that line?” he asked, cocking his head to the side.
My mouth went dry. There was an ache in the back of my neck because I had to look up at him.
“Well,” I said, glancing to the right, trying to ground myself in the moment. My stomach was fluttering, my head had the same bubbles as yesterday, except I definitely hadn’t consumed any sort of alcohol. “I, uh, you just won’t, well, you won’t let me follow through…” I cleared my throat. “I want, you know, I think…”
The corners of his lips flickered up and his dark eyes glinted with obvious amusement. Then, the second I registered it, it disappeared, and I thought I imagined it. I shook my head, closing my eyes only to slowly reopen them, to make sure what I was seeing was true and real and not some projected imagery I wanted to believe in.
“Tell me why you think Rocky is wrong,” I said in a low voice. My voice quivered slightly, but I pushed through it anyway. He could think I was weak, could think I was helpless to say what I thought because my blush was too overwhelming and the words wouldn’t exit my mouth, but I didn’t care. “At the very least, you owe me an explanation.”
“I don’t owe you anything,” Kazu insisted. He paused, glancing away. “Rocky wouldn’t know what to do with you.”
I furrowed my brows. “Are you saying he doesn’t know the mechanics of having…of participating inthatactivity?” I asked.
Another flicker of his lips. This time, I was sure I saw it. “I’m saying that he doesn’t know what to dowith you,” he said. “A virgin is much different than having a woman with some kind of experience and her first time should be treated accordingly.”
“I’m not…I wouldn’t turn clingy,” I insisted. A couple of Elite squad members started to show up on the training grounds, stretching, preparing for their session. I looked back at Kazu, making sure to drop my voice. “I wouldn’t fall in love with him or anything.”
Kazu chuckled, actually chuckled. “Oh, I’m well aware of that,” he said. “And that’s not what I meant.”
“Then what did you mean?” I asked.
He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “It’s hard to explain,” he said, and I could be getting defensive, but it sounded like he was being dismissive.
“I’m not stupid, you know,” I snapped. “I know how it works.”
“You can’t even say the words,” he said, crossing his arms over his chest. I had to lean back if he would have touched me, and I didn’t want that. “Fuck. Have sex. These are just words and you can’t even say them. How are you supposed to follow through on this mission if you can’t even speak the words to describe the act which you’ll be doing with whatever Light Bringer adopts you as his Feeder? You know that’s what’s going to happen, right? You’ve surmised that much?”
