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Bodhi winced. “I’m sorry.”
Seth shook his head. “I had an audiologist who was a CODA. She taught me the basics of ASL and the more I learned after that, the more my brain started to…I don’t know. Relax,” he said. “It stopped working so hard to understand.”
Bodhi knew that feeling. He’d never fully get it. His brain struggled with so much more than language, but he remembered the first time he had an ASL conversation with Ravi and how soft it had been on his nerves because he wasn’t straining to understand what was going on around him.
“I went to Gallaudet,” Seth went on. “My parents were furious about it. They wanted me to stay away from the Deaf community. They thought it would isolate me from them, and we were no contact for years. It hurt so much, but I was so tired.” Seth passed a hand down his face and sat back. “It was still hard there. There were students who hated me for wearing my CIs. Angry about my poor ASL skills. I started going without my implants, so I’d fit in better, and I stopped telling people how I went deaf. My ASL got better, and I fit in more. But I’d left a part of me outside the doors, and I hated that too.”
Bodhi nodded and bit the inside of his cheek.With Caleb, he still felt like he was hiding parts of himself—all the parts that Caleb hadn’t liked in the beginning, and maybe still wouldn’t like.
His stomach started to hurt.
“It took me a long time to find a way to balance who I was with the person I was becoming,” Seth signed very slowly so Bodhi could follow. He did it so naturally—like it wasn’t a chore—and Bodhi realized that for him, it actually wasn’t. He’d been in Bodhi’s shoes. “Keep people around you who are willing to be patient for you. And remind people of your worth who aren’t.”
Bodhi tucked those words behind his ribs to hold on to. No one had ever said anything like that to him before. Caleb liked him—wanted him—found him beautiful and important. But Bodhi wasn’t sure that applied to all of him. And maybe it was time to find out if there really was a way forward.
* * *
Bodhi left the meeting feeling both lighter and heavier than before. Caleb texted to let him know he’d found a spot in the commons parking lot and was sitting on the Starbucks patio. It was a short walk from the languages building, but Bodhi was dragging his feet as he made his way over.
He almost texted Caleb three separate times to tell him never mind before he finally made it to the commons, but when he turned the corner and saw him sitting at a table with his feet up on a chair, all of those feelings fled. They were replaced by a sudden and overwhelming need to wrap his arms around Caleb and let himself be held.
Caleb was on his phone, so he didn’t notice Bodhi right away. It allowed him a moment of just looking before he moved into Caleb’s periphery and waved his hand. Caleb’s head snapped up after a second, and his face morphed from his usual frown to a bright smile.
Bodhi’s heart throbbed in his chest, and he crossed the distance between them without being aware of his own legs moving. It took seconds to do, and there was zero hesitation when Caleb opened his arms and pulled Bodhi close.
Bodhi felt a rumble through Caleb’s body. A groan of annoyance? He pulled back and looked up into Caleb’s face.
No. A moan of satisfaction.
Caleb smiled at him and stroked a finger from Bodhi’s temple to his chin before leaning down to kiss him, and Bodhi returned it enthusiastically.
Of course, his fear about Anthony—which was now quashed knowing Anthony and Seth were engaged—hadn’t been literal. It had been a hypothetical future where Caleb realized he would be better off with someone easier than Bodhi. And that wasn’t gone, even with sweet kisses.
Caleb took a deep breath, then stepped back and offered one hand, asking with the other, “Ready to go?”
Bodhi wanted to say yes. More than anything, he wanted to say yes.
“No.”
Caleb slowly pulled his hand back. “What’s wrong?”
Rubbing his palms over his jeans, Bodhi waited for the restless feeling to leave his limbs. He wanted to pace and stim and get lost in his head for a bit, but he couldn’t. Not yet. He needed to be an adult about this first and talk to Caleb about how he was feeling.
“I’m feeling insecure,” he spelled the word.
Caleb’s eyes widened. “Did I do something?”
“No. Yes.” Bodhi shook his hands out as he took a fortifying breath. “It wasn’t your fault. I saw you with Anthony.”
Caleb’s brows dipped into a frown. “At the café?”
Nodding, Bodhi shifted his weight from one leg to the other, the gentle rocking motion easing some of his anxiety. “He’s engaged to Seth. My professor.”
“Yes,” Caleb answered, nodding his head along with his fist. “He used to sleep with Wren.”
Bodhi had assumed as much, but it felt odd to have it confirmed. He licked his lips. “I thought you were flirting with him.”
Caleb looked upset. “I wasn’t. Bodhi, I would never—”
