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“I know,” Bodhi quickly interrupted, taking an aborted step forward. He bounced into his gentle rocking again. “I know. I know. I know.” Fuck, he was getting stuck on the sign. He squeezed his hands into fists, then slowly let go.
“Do you want to do this somewhere else?” Caleb asked him. “Somewhere you feel safer?”
Bodhi wanted to cry at the suggestion. Caleb wasn’t shutting him down or shutting him up or trying to make him be still.
Terror rushed through him because not too long ago, Caleb said he hadn’t wanted anything more than a friendship. But this felt so deep and profound, and Bodhi wasn’t sure he’d survive losing him. He just didn’t know how else this was going to end. He had no faith Caleb wasn’t like everyone else—just sitting around waiting for him to ‘get better’.
Caleb took a step closer. “Can I touch you?”
Bodhi nodded. He needed it.God, he needed it.
Caleb cradled his face, the pressure heavy and present, and then he lowered his arms and curled them around Bodhi’s waist, holding him so tight, his breath stuttered in his lungs. It was perfect. It was everything.
He shuddered once. Twice. Then his body relaxed like someone hit a button on him, releasing all of his tension.
Caleb felt it—he must have—but he held on another few moments before easing his grip and pulling back so he had sign space. “Do you want to get some things from your dorm? Then we can go back home to talk. And if you’re still upset, I can take you over to Wren’s after.”
Bodhi squeezed his eyes shut and wanted to tell Caleb that he wasn’t ever going to want to choose Wren’s over the condo. That even the dorm was starting to feel less like home and more of a place Bodhi was just keeping his things.
But his hands felt heavy again, and his tongue didn’t want to move from where he’d pressed it against the roof of his mouth. So he was forced to answer with a nod.
Caleb lifted Bodhi’s arm by the wrist, uncurling his fingers with his thumb, and he kissed his palm. Bodhi wasn’t looking at Caleb’s eyes. His own were too restless, darting from his chin to his shoulder, to the grass in the distance, but he could feel the weight of Caleb’s gaze—steady and warm on him.
When he finally calmed, Caleb let him go and offered his hand again, and this time Bodhi took it without any kind of protest.
Chapter19
By the timethey got back to the condo, fatigue had taken over and Bodhi woke with a start as Caleb shook his arm. His cheeks bloomed with heat, and he took a breath before reaching for his seatbelt. When he stepped out, the air was cool against his flushed skin, and Caleb was waiting for him at the curb.
The walk up the stairs felt tedious and long, but he got the sense of peace and home the moment they were through the door. The smells that surrounded him were almost as comforting as Caleb’s arms which tugged him close the moment he dropped his bag and kicked off his shoes.
“Bed or couch?” Caleb asked, his hands in front of Bodhi’s chest.
“Couch.”
Caleb marched him over, then eased him down before walking into the other room. He returned a few seconds later with a quilt draped over one arm. “It’s not a weighted blanket,” he signed slower than usual since he must have noticed Bodhi’s waning focus. “But it’s heavy.”
“Thank you,” Bodhi said, his fingers tripping from his chin sort of shaky and weak.
Caleb stared at him a long second. “Can I lay down with you?”
Bodhi considered the question, then felt awful for asking, “Can you change into something softer?”
Caleb glanced down at his clothes, then smiled and nodded. He gently pushed Bodhi down against the cushions, then draped the heavy fabric over him. He was right—it wasn’t weighted, but it was heavier than the one Caleb had let him use before.
The weight gently pinned him to the cushions, and Bodhi let out a long sigh as he watched Caleb take a few steps back. “Hungry?”
He was. His nerves had prevented him from eating much on campus that day, but those same nerves also made it difficult for him to even consider eating outside of his safety foods. He didn’t want to seem like some fussy toddler, and he found himself squirming, rubbing his feet on the couch cushion to try and alleviate some of the discomfort from his tension.
Caleb noticed almost immediately and walked around the coffee table, sitting on the edge to face him. Bodhi wasn’t looking in Caleb’s eyes, but he could still feel the weight of his stare. “Tell me what you need.”
“I don’t know.” His gaze flickered to Caleb’s mouth, which was twisted in disbelieve. Bodhi dragged both hands through his hair and pulled until it hurt. He gave Caleb credit for not trying to reach out and stop him like most people did. “I don’t know,” he repeated. “I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.”
He began to shake.
Caleb dropped from the coffee table into a crouch beside Bodhi’s head. “Tell me how to help.”
Bodhi’s hands shook but he couldn’t sign anymore except that tap-flip against the side of his head, but he didn’t want to do that anymore. Bodhi liked who he was so much, until moments he didn’t. He knew that was normal—that a lot of people felt that way.
