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But for him, it hit profoundly.
Caleb lifted his hand, then hesitated before asking, “Can I touch you?”
Bodhi sobbed and nodded. He wanted it. Needed it. Because Caleb knew how to touch him right. He knew not to be too hard or too gentle or too distant. And he proved it once more when he eased Bodhi onto his side, pulled back the quilt, then shoved himself between Bodhi and the back of the couch.
Caleb octopussed his limbs in a tight hold and buried his face in the side of Bodhi’s neck hard, pressing against his pulse point. The tension took a while to start draining. Bodhi was far too keyed up for a single bear-hug to act like a switch and turn it all off, but eventually, it started working.
His eyes got hot after that, and to his horror, he started crying. Everything overwhelming about that day suddenly hit him like a tidal wave, and before he could stop it, he was sobbing. His body shook, and Caleb just held him tighter—tighter, until he could barely breathe.
“Sorry,” he started signing. He didn’t think Caleb could see it, but maybe he could feel it with his arm wrapped around Bodhi’s chest. “Sorry.”
Caleb shook his head, then after Bodhi was breathing a little easier, he lifted his hands and signed in front of the younger man’s body. “Don’t say sorry.”
The drag of Caleb’s thumb under Bodhi’s chin made him smile and he leaned his head back. There were still tears leaking from his eyes, but his chest had finally gone quiet. “Today was overwhelming. A lot has been overwhelming.”
He didn’t know the sign for that—didn’t know if there was one—so he spelled it out on trembling fingers.
Caleb nodded against his temple, then kissed him there. “I don’t understand what happened, but I’m here until you’re ready to talk.”
It was sweet, feeling Caleb use his body to sign, but it was also distracting, so he squirmed until they were facing each other, their legs tangling back together so there was appropriate weight on his body. He reached out, tracing a touch down the side of Caleb’s face, basking in his small grin, even if his eyes were heavy and worried.
Bodhi hated that he caused this, even if there was no way to help it.
“Sometimes when I see how easy it is for you with other people, like Anthony. I worry you’ll get tired of me.”
Caleb’s face fell. “I’m not interested—”
Bodhi grabbed his wrist to quiet him. “I know,” he signed with his other hand before letting go. “I know. I know you say you like me for who I am, but I worry that you don’t fully understand what it means. That I’m always going to be like this. That my connection to the Deaf community will never be like yours.”
Caleb swallowed heavily, but he didn’t look upset or even like he wanted to argue with Bodhi. In fact, his hands remained still, one tucked in front of them, one on Bodhi’s hip. His fingers spasmed like he was urging Bodhi to go on.
God, he loved his man. He really did.
“I worry you don’t understand that I’m happy this way and I don’t want to try and mask who I am and how I relate to the world, and to other people. I don’t have goals to be different,” Bodhi told him.
Caleb’s lips softened into a smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “I hate that your whole life, people you love and trust have put those expectations on you so often that you believe everyone feels that way.”
Bodhi flinched at the brutal honesty in his lover’s signs.
“I know that understanding ASL will get easier and more natural for you the longer you’re around it,” Caleb said, and before Bodhi could point out that this was exactly what he was talking about, he went on. “But I know that it won’t ever be the same as mine, and that’s okay. I don’t want you to be like me, Bodhi. I don’t want you to be like anyone we know. There’s a reason I fell for you and not anyone else.”
Bodhi felt warmth spread from his chest to his limbs and his fingers began small, happy stims between them.
Caleb’s smile widened, and his eyes crinkled in the corners this time.
Bodhi closed his eyes for a minute, basking, feeling, accepting. “You like me,” he signed back without looking.
Caleb stroked the skin by his temple until Bodhi was finally gazing at him again. “I like you more than I have words to sign. I know I didn’t give you a lot of reason to trust me. I fucked up over and over. First with the way I treated you, then with the way I implied that the only way we could be together was by being casual lovers and only friends.”
Bodhi felt a little surge of pain in a couple of heartbeats.
“I didn’t tell you soon enough that I was lying to myself and to you,” Caleb said. He paused to press his palm to Bodhi’s cheek, stroking the corner of his lips with his thumb. “I’ve had a thousand chances to be with people who are more like me, or more like our friends. Or more like Anthony. But I’m here with you. And in five years? Ten years? Fifty?”
Bodhi laughed loudly. “Fifty?”
Caleb nodded, a sage, serious look on his face. “Fifty. Sixty. When I’m too old to get out of bed and you have to wipe my ass and spoon feed porridge into my toothless mouth…”
Bodhi’s grin widened and he couldn’t help but steal a kiss.
