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Theonly thing that helps is shutting myself in the bathroom.Idon’t even bother with the light, just throw on the faucet and step in while the water is still ice cold.Ithits my wounds like a thousand tiny arrows.
Fuckingbring it!I’lltake all the physical painIcan get right now.Physicalpain is better than utter heart ache.
Forthe longest time,Istand under the water contemplating whereIcould go ifIleft.I’man adult, but not old enough to drink myself unconscious in some bar.Ahotel room seems ridiculous.Itwill only remind me of them…of their naked bodies.
Islam my fist against the tile, sending shooting pain through my knuckles.IfIgo to bed canIeven sleep?Itis too late to ride toShadowThorne, but that is whereIwant to be.
Tomorrow.
Ijust need to be as far away from here, and from people, asIcan get.
Decisionmade;Imanage to quickly wash my body.WhenI’mdone,Ishut off the water, dry off, hang up the towel, and walk naked back to my room.Rachel’sdoor is closed.Ijerk my chin at the barrier, feeling the meaning behind it.Shecan’t bear to look at me, as ifI’vedone something wrong.
Istep into my room and close the door behind me.Evanremains whereIleft him, fists balled tight, kneeling as if he is waiting for me to forgive him for choosing absolutelyeveryone,and what they think, over me.
Ican’t anymore.
Isit on my bed, directly in front of him, wanting him to see me, all of me.Iwant him to stare at my dick and want it so bad he can taste it.Iwant to reject him just like he has rejected me.Iam determined to destroy everything before it ruins me.
“Ilove you so much.”Hiswords are soft and sad.
Likea sharp dagger, they wound me.Ibury my face in my hands, resting my elbows on my thighs letting five little words overwhelm me.WhyamIsuch a fucking pussy?Whycan’tIfight back and shut everyone out?
“Idon’t want you to love me anymore.It’sover,Evan.Everythingis fucking over.”Ihurt even more than before.Evenmy damn throat hurts.Thememory ofUncleCharliekicking me serves to stir up my rage once again.Icling to that anger because it’s the only thing that can get me through the night.
Evan’shands slide into my hair as he rises to his knees.
“Don’tsay that.Pleasedon’t take your love from me.I’lldie.”
Myhands drop asIglare at him, eye to eye. “Andyet you’d move across the country without so much as a second glance.Idon’t want love like that because, obviously, it’s meaningless.”
Hishands slide along my thighs. “Whyare you doing this?Afew hours ago, we were making love, and now you’re punishing me for what your uncle, andRachel, have done?”
“It’sbeen brewing under the surface.Ifit didn’t come out now, it would inMay, or whenever you plan to move to the big city where you can fuck girls or guys, whoever you want, without scrutiny.Butit won’t be me, will it?Youthink your choices don’t hurt me?SeemsI’meveryone’s punching bag, includingGod’s, so you know what?I’mdone!Idon’t want any of it.Ican’t lose anything ifIdon’t have anything to lose.”
Evanmoves closer and leans his forehead to mine. “Don’tdo this.We’llfigure this out.Atleast if it’s your dad’s baby, no one will think anything of it.Noneof us will face ridicule, so we can still be together.Rachel’sfeelings for you haven’t changed, you have to know that.Neitherhave mine, so why have yours?”
Igive him a shove. “Whyhaven’t yours, prick?Can’tyou see?Don’tyou get it?”
“No,Idon’t get it.Wecan still be together, the three of us.”Ican’t decide if his hope is endearing or pathetic.
Ihuff a fake laugh at his naivety. “Ican’t fuck her while my brother or sister is sharing the same space as my dick!”Iyell pointing at my bedroom door, as ifRachelwas standing there. “Imay have fucked my stepmother, but that would be crossing the line!Damnit all to hell, it’s sick!”
Hiseyes widen, andIsee that it never even occurred to him.
“Berealistic.Whatdo you think life will be like when she has that baby, huh?Wecan’t have orgies while a baby is trying to sleep.Youthink she is going to even have time for your dick?”
“Stopit!” he barks.
“Stopwhat?Tellingthe truth?”
“Stopmaking what we have sound so dirty and wrong.Itwouldn’t be an orgy…this isn’t sick…”
Ishake my head. “You’reso fucking naïve.Ifit’s not sick, then why the hell do you want to hide what we feel for each other so badly?Sodamn worried my uncle might tell someone your dirty secret!”
Theminute the words leave my mouth,Iregret them.Evenin the nearly dark room, the hurt on his face is obvious.Ireach out and cradle his jaw in my palm sliding my thumb over his lips wishingIcould ease the sting.
“It’sover,Evan,”Isay as delicately as possible.
