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“Youcould get in trouble for leaving.”
Hishands slide down my back. “Iknow.”
“Youlike the thrill of it, the taboo of it.Don’tyou?”
Ican hear his smile in the way his breathing changes. “Idon’t know.Maybe.”
Irise up soIcan look into his beautiful eyes.Overwhelmedby his handsome features and the loveIfeel,I’mweakened. “Doyou want them to know?”
Hearches an eyebrow and tucks one hand behind his head. “Who?”
“Them.Everyone.Luke.Yourfamily.”
Hiseyes shift to the ceiling. “Sometimes.Iwonder what it would be like not to have to hide my feelings for you.Idream constantly of not hiding anything about myself.Howchaotic would the world be then?”Helooks into my eyes. “AsforLuke?Idon’t want to hurt him with the knowledge that we’ve continued and left him out of our relationship.”
Iswirl my fingers over his heart. “Hepulled away first.”
Evantakes my hand and kisses my curled fingers. “He’sonly doing what he feels is best for all of us.”
“Andyou?Isleaving us for the best?”Iask.
Aim, fire, and a direct hit.
Hedeflates and furrows his brow. “Ithurts me too, you know.”
Ido, butI’mavoiding that truth.Whenhe doesn’t respond, and can’t look me in the eyes,Isink back down and lay my head on his chest.
Thereis so much energy and desire betweenEvanand me.Itis a desperate thing.WhatLukeandIhave is no less intense, only different.IneedLukelike my next breath, for my very existence.IdesireEvanlike he’s a piece of meIdidn’t know was missing.Togetherthe three of us are this living embodiment of love and desire—a whole that was divided into thirds, clawing their way toward one another.
“Imade a decision tonight.Ihad intended to wait, to let it settle into my brain a little more.”
Isqueeze my eyes shut, waiting for the worst.Ofcourse, he has to break my heart if he’s going to ever have a life of his own inChicago.
Herises and reaches for something on the floor.Hisclothes?Shitis he just going to leave, right after getting here?Thelamp flickers on blinding me.It’snot bright, but it is invasive.Evanshifts our bodies so he’s sitting against the headboard, andI’mleaning into him.
“Sorryabout the light, but you’ll understand.”
Idon’t though, and the light makes me feel sick.Idon’t want him to see me fall apart.Ican’t stand to look him in the eyes when he finally tells me it’s over.
I’mrelieved he’s not making me look at him yet.Icurl closer and kiss his skin, treasuring the feel of it and his closeness.
“Ikeep thinking that whenIget toChicago,Iwill finally be able to have the lifeIwant.Iwill be free, not just to live my life, but free from all of the thingsIcan’t have here.Aclean slate thatIwill have more control over, if that makes sense.Itkills me every timeLukebrushes against me, or that spark ignites between us.Helooks at me likeI’mthe owner of his heart, and all he wants is to bury himself deep inside of me, and never return.”
“It’swhat you want too,Evan.”
“Iknow.”Hepushes his hand through his ruffled hair. “Itdoesn’t change the fact thatIcan’t.Puttingdistance between us is the only solutionIknow.”
Justgive in!It’swhatIwant to say but can’t.Evanisn’t there yet, not in his head, nor his heart.Helifts my chin with his finger, so our eyes meet.
“ButIlove you,Rachel.I’mmadly in love with you.”Hisforehead drops to mine. “Noone…”Hiswords fall like a final confession. “Noone understands the things about me that you do.ThingsIwould never tellanyone.Thethought scares me to my core.”
Islide my palm over his jaw.Hislips skim my hand with kisses. “Ilove those things about you,Evan.Theyareourthings, our most intimate secrets.Evenbetween the three of us, we’re allowed to have certain things that are between the two of us alone.It’spart of loving each other unconditionally.”
“Youdon’t know all of it.”
“Iknow,”Itell him with a smile, and then lean in to kiss his lips. “ButIwant to know.”
Hesqueezes his eyes shut. “I’mso fucking sick.”
