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I’mnot sure who comes first.Ourbodies clamp down hard around each other.Theonly movement is from inside my body as it works to permanently fuse with his.Thereis a void deep inside, andIknow whenEvanwhispersLuke’sname, that he feels it too.
“He’llcome back to us,”Iwhisper.
Evanpants for his breath and trembles as he empties deep inside of me.Idrown in his loss of control, in every drop of himself he gives me, squeezing him with all of my strength.Everypulse feels like dying a little.I’mawash in his love, and the perfection of it is bliss.
Butreality is seeping in around the edges.Heis still leaving.Iglance at the ring on my finger asIgrip his bicep.Iclose my eyes and shake the thoughts away.
No, no, no!Iwant to have this.Ineed this.Weneed each other.I’llavoid it forever ifIhave to.
18
Luke
Mondayis strange becauseRachelis strange.Shehardly said two words at breakfast.WhenIoffered to watchOliviafor a couple of hours this afternoon, she thanked me as if she were desperate, and then took off without giving me any indication about where she was going, or how long she would be gone.
Thatwas two hours ago.WithOliviacradled in my arms,I’mshowing her around the barn, specificallySpirit, who is very curious about the strange thingI’mholding.IrubSpirit’snose asIwatchOlivia’sdark eyes roam over her surroundings.Sheprobably can’t make out a lot of things at this point, but she enjoys the fresh air.
“What’sup with mommy, darling?Sheseems…”
Distant.That’sthe wordI’mlooking for, but then maybe the distance is my own doing.
I’mstill reeling over being withEvanlast night before dinner.
“Don’tgrow up and fall in love,”Itell her. “It’smessy, and everyone has an opinion about your feelings.”
Oliviacoos and gives a quick grin.Shejust started smiling, andIadmit,Ido just about anything to earn them.Shegrabs my thumb and pulls it to her mouth, sucking on the tip.
“Hungry?WishIknew where your mom ran off to.Shedidn’t say if you should have a bottle or not.”
Eitherway,Olivianeeds to eat, soIrubSpirit’sears beforeIshut the stall door behind us.Irock my shoulders as we leave the barn.I’mhalfway across the yard whenRachelpulls around the house.Shehurries out of the car and toward us.
“I’msorry!Iknow it’s time to feed her.”
“It’salright,”Ireassure her. “Iwas just about to warm up a bottle for her.”
“No, it’s fine.I’mhere.”Rachelseems agitated.
ShetakesOliviafrom me, andIfollow her into the house.Shesheds her purse and jacket, dropping them behind her.Iscoop them up as she works at the buttons of her shirt on her way to the nursery.Normally,Iwouldn’t bother her, but something is up, andI’mworried.
RachelguidesOliviato nurse, still panting from hurrying.Ilean against the door frame and cross my arms.
“Areyou okay?”
Sheglances up quickly, startled by my presence.Shewaves her hand, “I’mfine.Everythingis fine.Igot this.”
“Ican see you got this, butIcan tell something is up.”
Shepulls her ring finger down with her thumb as if she’s trying to crackle a knuckle. “Ididn’t mean to be away so long.Ishould have picked up the groceries but…well,Ididn’t.”
Iwalk over and slide my fingertips along her bare arm underOlivia’shead. “Hey,I’mnot upset, just worried.Ican get the groceries.”
Shevisibly relaxes and leans her head back to look up at me.
Iglance down and watchOlivia.Sheis content, her little hand resting onRachelas she makes soft noises.
“Wewere fine.MissOmetSpiritfor the first time.”
Rachelcracks a smile. “WhatdidSpiritthink?”
