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As I realize the options I have, tears start streaming down my face. Because there is really no choice at all to be made. There’s only one solution.
I have to quit.
It breaks my heart, because I truly have grown to love Eli and Maggie, and I don’t know how I’m going to go on without them in my life.
Maggie and her unicorns and princesses, the way she so proudly shows me her drawings, knowing that I’ll praise them. Eli and his trains and the sweet way he smiles at me. His little voice, calling me “mama.”
It physically hurts to think about leaving them, but I don’t know what else to do.
Derek won’t talk to me, and I can’t hurt my baby any more. He needs to know he’s about to be a dad again, but how do I tell him?
He says I’m too young, yet he is the one playing games and hiding from me. I can’t do this anymore. I know how I feel. I know I’d give him forever if he just said the word, but all he does is play with my feelings.
I may be young, but I’m not dumb. It’s clear he wants my body, but not my heart. And I need more. I need to take care of this baby inside me and make sure he or she is okay. The baby is the most important person in my world right now. Him and the two little angels I’ve been loving, Maggie and Eli. But unfortunately their dad is making me choose and I need to give this little one a fighting chance. So, I have to go. Distance myself from what hurts me the most. Derek.
I tell myself that I’ll tell him that I’m leaving the second that he gets home, but I pass out in my bed, surrounded by ultrasound pictures.
I wake up three hours later because someone’s standing next to my bed. I startle and then I sit up to see Eli standing there, swaying slightly. At first, I think he’s just sleepy, but when I pick him up, I realize that he’s burning up with a fever.
“Eli,” I soothe, patting his hair.
“Mama,” he whines, tucking his face into my shoulder, and my heart aches.
I want to be his mama. I want Derek and I want Eli and Maggie and I want this baby. I want this family, but Derek thinks I’m not old enough. Not good enough.
I can’t think about that right now though. Worried about Eli, I knock on Derek’s door. I don’t care if he doesn’t talk to me about us, but Eli needs him right now.
He sits straight up in bed. “What’s wrong?”
“It’s Eli,” I whisper. “He’s burning up.”
I hand him off to Derek and go to wake up Maggie, knowing that a trip to the emergency room might be near.
Derek looks pale when he comes into the living room. “It’s a hundred and three,” he says, and I rush Maggie out to the car, buckling her in her seat while she still dozes.
Derek buckles in a crying Eli, and it doesn’t even occur to me to stay home. I need to be there. I need to know that Eli’s all right.
The car is silent other than the sound of Eli’s crying and me trying to soothe him, turned around and patting his thigh, holding his hand.
“It’s gonna be okay, buddy,” I tell him in a gentle voice.
“I don’t feel good,” he sobs.
“I know. The doctor is going to make you feel better,” I assure him.
Derek glances at me and I glance at him and we’re both terrified. I’ve never seen Eli sick, and from Derek’s reaction, I don’t think he’s been this sick before.
When we arrive at the hospital, I take Maggie out and kiss her forehead, checking her fever, but she’s fine. She sleeps in my arms while we wait, and I stay with her out in the lobby while Derek takes Eli back to see the doctor, my heart pounding in my chest.
It takes hours before Derek returns, but I can’t sleep despite trying to get comfortable. He returns looking almost gray, his face stricken.
“What’s wrong?” I ask in a half-whisper, not wanting to wake Maggie.
“They don’t know,” he says, his voice breaking. He sits down hard on the chair next to me. “They think it could be meningitis.”
I gasp. “But Maggie isn’t sick.” I know that meningitis is horribly contagious.
“What if it’s bacterial?” Derek asks hoarsely, and my mouth goes dry.
