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I walk into her hospital room and her friend gives me a smile and leaves, and when I hand Kenna the gifts, she laughs even though there are tears streaming down her cheeks.
“Kenna,” I breathe, sitting next to her. “I’m so sorry.”
She tilts her head. “What are you sorry for?”
“So many things,” I mutter, not knowing how to elaborate.
“What does that mean, Derek? You don’t....you don’t want this baby?”
I blink at her. “Of course I want this baby.”
“But you don’t want me,” she says flatly.
I run a hand through my hair. “Marry me,” I say suddenly, having no idea what I’m saying, just speaking off the top of my head.
Kenna snorts. “I’m not marrying you just because I’m pregnant.”
I frown. “Why not?”
“Because I don’t want to get married because I’mpregnant, Derek,” she says, sounding exasperated. “I’m only going to get married once, and I’m marrying for love.”
Wouldn’t you be marrying for love?I thought.Don’t you feel the same way I do?
But the words won’t come out. I don’t know how to say it. I’m afraid to say it. I don’t want her to tell me that she’s fallen out of love with me because of everything I’ve done.
“I want to be this baby’s father,” I say finally, and Kenna’s face falls. She looks away and fingers the bottom of the onesie.
“You will be,” she says softly. “You can come with me to the ultrasounds and I’ll give you updates while I’m in college.”
“You’re still going to college? In Washington?” I say incredulously, and Kenna frowns.
“It’s for my career,” she says.
“You can have a careerhere. You can go to Berkeley,” I say stubbornly.
“I don’twantto go to Berkeley,” she says stubbornly. “I want to go back to college with my friends.”
I freeze. “What friends? Are you seeing someone there?”
Kenna rolls her eyes. “Of course that’s what you’d think,” she mutters.
“Well, are you?”
There are too many emotions whirling around in me and I know I’m being irrational but I can’t believe she’s still leaving. I can’t let her leave with my baby in her belly, but how am I going to stop her?
“Is it any of your business?” she snaps.
“You said I was the first one to touch you,” I grumble, jealousy raging through me.
“Youwere. Youare.”She sounds exasperated. “But that doesn’t mean you’ll be the only one to touch me.”
“What if I want to be the only one?” I demand. “What if I wantyou?”
“You want me? You want all of me? Want to let me be part of this family?” Kenna asks, looking up at me defiantly.
Yes. I think.Yes, that’s exactly what I want.
But the words stick in my throat because I can’t stop thinking about what it was like when I walked in my home and I justknewSuzanna was gone. I could feel the lack of her presence in the air, somehow, and sure enough, when I walked upstairs to our bedroom, all her things were gone. And what if it happened with Kenna? It would kill me. I already feel so much more for her than I did for Suzanna. I wouldn’t be able to handle it if she left me.
