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“You can’t even answer me,” Kenna says brokenly, and I hate myself. I hate myself for being afraid, for not knowing my own feelings until it’s too late.
“I’m sorry,” I choke out, and leave the room.
I’m an idiot. I came here to tell her that I love her. I came here to tell her that I want her, and I ended up doing the exact opposite.
She’s never going to forgive me. I’m going to be alone forever, and have a child that I barely see because she’ll meet some guy in Washington, have love and light in her life, and I’ll be alone.
I’m fucking up my one chance at happiness, and for what? Because I can’t get over what Suzanna did? Because I can’t bring myself to be happy again?
And god, the kids. They love her so much. How am I supposed to tell them that I messed this up? That Kenna is leaving because of me?
I stalk to the car and slam my hands down on the steering wheel over and over, yelling out my anger and hurt and frustration.
Kenna’s not the one who broke my heart. I did it to myself.
I just keep pacing around the hospital, not sure what to do. I know that I won’t be given any information about her condition, just like before. Dawn is breaking by the time I can make myself leave the hospital.
Mom is at home watching the kids so I go to the office, trying my best not to slam the door behind me.
Grayson’s on vacation with Lilian and the kids, starting today, so I don’t even have anyone to talk to. I try to throw myself into work, but Kenna is all I think about all day.
When I return home, my mother leaves almost immediately, complaining about her arthritis, and I feel guilty for leaving her with the kids for so long.
Eli walks up to me, looking up at me with big green eyes.
“When is Mama getting better?” he asks immediately, and I sigh and pick him up.
“She’s doing okay. Just has to spend a day or so in the hospital.”
“Can we go see her?”
“Maybe later,” I say vaguely.
Maggie’s coloring on a pad on the floor. “I’m making Kenna another card,” she says matter-of-factly, and it sends a pang through my heart.
I guess I’ll have to sit down with them and explain they’re having a brother or sister that they’ll barely see. I don’t know how to tell them now, though, so I just go through the motions of bathing them and putting them to bed.
I get them off to sleep and go into my room, sitting down hard on the edge of the bed and covering my face with my hands. I feel so much that it’s hard to even process things.
What the hell am I doing?
38
KENNA
Iwant to scream when Derek leaves the hospital room, but instead, I just cry, rolling up in a fetal position. By the time I get myself together, it’s nearing daylight.
I feel so alone that I don’t know what to do with myself.
Derek hasn’t told me that he wants me. He’s only told me that he wants this baby, which is fine, since the baby is as much his as it is mine. But while it is inside me, it gets to go with me everywhere. I don’t want to deprive him of anything, but I won’t force him either, so if he chose to leave me here, I can only assume he is done with me for now. Or at least until the baby is born.
So, I can just go back to Washington like I planned. Not because I’m seeing anybody, like Derek accused, but because I want to be around friends and I don’t want to be around Derek Ledderman and his beautiful family I can never be a true part of.
When I saw Derek with that onesie, my heart just about melted. I hoped he would give it to me and tell me that he loved me, tell me that he wanted me and the baby both, but instead I got a half-assed forced proposal and no real emotions. Derek can’t open up to me, and I don’t know if that’s because of his past or because he simply doesn’t feel the same way that I do. Though he didn’t quite contradict me when I mentioned it would be a loveless marriage, so that should be my answer right there.
I spend another two days in the hospital for observation, but everything turns out fine and I’m discharged after crying alone in my hospital room for the better part of that time. My parents visit, and even my brother and sister, but I still feel alone.
I guess it’s because I know this is almost a glimpse at my future. Me, alone with my baby, occasionally my family around to say hi and visit for a minute or two, and then back to just being me and the bean, even if Derek is a part of its life.
