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“Let’s go through what this means.”
For the next ten minutes, she tells me how far along I am. What I can expect in my first trimester. What I should and shouldn’t be doing. But all I can think of is, how am I supposed to do this? I feel like time is passing by, but I’m frozen in place. Up to this moment, my life was trivial compared to now. I leave the doctor's office with a prescription, a list of do’s and don’ts, and loneliness. I shouldn't be doing this alone. Viktor should be here.
Outside I take a deep breath. I take out my phone, ready to dial him. I shouldn’t have to be alone. We should be sharing this moment together. I stare at his contact card. I just need to tell him. He deserves to know. I shouldn’t care about Fiona. She didn't care about me. I’m about to press his name when my phone rings. The screen reads Tina. I let out a breath and send her to voicemail. I don’t want to talk to her. My phone beeps.
Tina: Voicemail? Not cool. I'm worried about you. I just want to know that you are ok.
At first, I don’t want to answer. I don’t want to open that door. I need to distance myself from all Manarch’s. A clean break. But she is my best friend.
Ava: I'm fine. At work
I put my phone in my bag. A part of me wants to call him but the other part screams I don’t need him. I feel so conflicted. Why can’t my heart and head be on the same page? I walk to the nearest bus stop, since I have to go to work. Lucky for me the bus comes quickly. I take a seat, and Viktor occupies my thoughts. We talked about kids once.
“What do you think?” He asks as I pop a grape in my mouth. It’s a beautiful afternoon, and we are having a picnic in the backyard.
“About?”
“Did you hear a word I said?” His voice deepens. It’s the one that tells me he is in the beginning stages of being annoyed.
“Maybe.” I tease.
“I can still punish you here.” He pulls me to his lap. My libido is ready for him.
“I bet,” I giggle. He turns me on my stomach and spanks me once across my ass. “We aren’t alone.” I look around.
“I don’t care.” His tone is dark but playful.
“Ok, ok. I surrender.”
“Kids. Where do you stand?”
“Haven't thought about it. I'm young.” I find the question odd. It's not like we are getting married. I’ll be leaving for my life sooner than later. “Why do you ask?”
“Curious.”
“Do you want kids?” I pop another grape.
“I’m done talking.” He pulls me up with him. Next thing I know, I’m over his shoulder, and the conversation is over.
I look out the window and see a mother walking with her little girl. Could that be me? I can’t help the tears. I would love to blame it on the hormones, but I know it’s not true. It hurts to remember why we aren’t together. We could have been a family. Now here I am, sitting in a bus remembering what we were once.
?
It’s been a few hours since I got home from work. I’ve been sitting on the couch looking out the window. While I was at work it was busy, so I didn’t have to think but here I have no choice. I still don’t have a plan, and I know I need one. There is a baby coming, and nothing is going to change that. I hear my stomach growl. I get off the couch and go to the kitchen to start cooking dinner. This is why I need a mindless task. But the more I try not to think, the more the appointment from this morning replays.
“Hey,” Lisa greets, startling me.
“Hi, didn’t hear you come in.” I cover the pot.
“Are you ok?”
“I am fine.”
“Are you sure? The tears might say otherwise.” I wipe my eyes. I didn’t realize I was crying.
“Long day,” I tell her, hoping it’s enough of an answer.
“Want to talk about it?” I want to say no, but in a few months, she will see what is wrong.
