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I look at the salad. It’s beautiful, all ingredients I like. I’m touched and gutted at the same time. An outsider at a burger party. I pick up my fork.
“Would you be okay if Sebastien stayed with me for a day or two?” Massi asks, and I spear a tomato slice.
Mila chokes and excuses herself, rushing to the bathroom. Sebastien is looking at me with expectation and I can’t find words. I can’t agree with this. I know, rationally, this is a reasonable suggestion, but I can’t agree.
Even though our relationship is rocky—or rather frozen at this point—I trust Massimo with my life. And Sebastien deserves to get to know his father. Yet I can’t.
This feels like it’s them against me. “Don’t you have to work?” I try to sound casual, but my voice is combative, failing to hide my frenzy.
“I can split duties with Lena, and Sebastien would like to watch the rush hour. But if you’re not comfortable—”
“Seb, you’ve just arrived. I was looking forward to spending time with you. I missed you.” I sound whiny and needy. Why do the words come out as a plea?
“You also lied to me.” He drops his burger, lifts his chin and crosses his arms. “You made me spend a big part of my life with a stepfather who hates me. You told me my father was gone, never once explaining more. How could you? The least you can do is let me spend time with myrealfather.”
Massi stretches his arm and squeezes Seb’s shoulder. “Easy.” It’s an intervention of sorts, but it doesn’t feel like he’s on my side. Why would he be?
“Give me a moment.” I stand up and stumble away, before they can manipulate me. To make me into a villain here, the inflexible mother. I barge into the bathroom and find Mila leaning against the sink, her back to the mirrors.
“Shit, I had to leave, sorry. I didn’t feel like I should interfere,” she says, and I slump against the wall, the cold tiles failing to cool me down.
“I can’t let that happen, Mila. Five minutes in and I’m an outcast already. Discarded.” I swallow tears of despair. “And Sebastien is so mad at me.”
“Gina, stop it right now. Stop making yourself a fucking victim here. You let fucking Frederick care for Seb—you can’t deny Massi time with his son. You’ve done that already and look where it got you. I love you, Gina, but you need to own this mistake. Now.”
“I lost Massi twice already. And now I’m going to lose my son. I’m not strong enough to let that happen.”
“You’re not thinking straight right now. Sebastien will cool down. He has the right to be mad at you. It’s all too recent. But I can guarantee youwilllose them both if you don’t allow them to spend time together.”
“Jesus. I’ve been so focused on the shit show of the grand revelation, I didn’t have time to think about the next steps.” I tilt my head and close my eyes, pathetically hoping I can reopen them in a new reality.
“I know, sweetie.” Mila steps closer and rubs my arm. “But you need to do the right thing now.”
I drop my head and count the patterns on the floor for a moment, hoping to calm my racing mind.
“Are you free tonight?” I ask Mila finally, looking at her in the mirror’s reflection.
She raises her eyebrows and cocks her head.
“I havecustodyto negotiate, and then I need to get drunk with my best friend.”
Mila gives me a hug and I find the courage to return to our table.
“Perhaps we can arrange for some time, but we need to talk, Sebastien. I know you’re mad at me right now and you have legitimate reasons to be, but I’d like to explain.” I try to focus on Sebastien, but I’m so painfully aware of Massi’s eyes on me, it’s hard. The mother and the lover in me fight for attention. Both men here deserve an explanation.
“I’ll leave you to it, then.” Massi starts to stand up.
“No, stay. Mom, I’m not ready to listen to you yet. I want to get to know Massi.” He stands up as well, and when I see the two of them side by side I have to look away because it’s too much.
Two people I disappointed. Two men I love. Two men who aren’t ready to accept my apology.
Mila is right, they need time to cool down. “Okay.”
“Yes.” Sebastien pumps a fist in the air and I close my eyes, already feeling lonely.
“Where are your things?” Massi asks.
We find out Seb didn’t really bring anything, but Massi immediately offers to take him shopping. With every new plan their enthusiasm grows, and my walls get thicker, isolating me further.
