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I look at his hand, and he releases me. Lifting my chin, I meet his gaze. “I can’t simply base my life around your needs and whims. I want to be in your life, but it has to be on an equal footing. Can’t you see that? I won’t put myself in the position of needing something from you that you’re unwilling or unable to give. That’s what all of this has taught me. I won’t beg for scraps. I intend to put myself first and decide what is best for me.”
He looks out at the ocean. “It sounds as if you’ve made your decision.”
“I guess I have.” I make myself walk back into the house to collect my belongings. I can fall apart later. Right now, I need to book a ticket home and pack.
Sitting on the bed, I plead with the universe to send Alex in here. I want him to ask me to stay. He could find a way to make this work with me. If he were in love with me, he could offer me a commitment or, at the very least, a job that wouldn’t undermine his organization.
My lungs compress. I don’t want to leave. But I have to be smarter than that. I have a history of putting others first, accommodating their needs, and sacrificing my dreams. It always ends the same way. I slowly become a shadow of myself. They find it too much and need space. I refuse to repeat that pattern with Alex.
I stand up, and my legs feel weak. I make myself gather my belongings and throw them into my backpack. I send a message to Sonia, asking her to book a ticket to New York and organize the transportation.
I don’t want to say goodbye to Alex but make myself step back onto the balcony.
He leans on the handrail, glancing out at the water. When he hears me, he straightens and turns towards me.
“I asked Sonia to book the travel for me.”
He holds up his hands. “This is what you want? To throw away what we have?”
I adjust the strap of the backpack on my shoulder. “No, I don’t want to leave. But I also don’t see a solution. And I’ve grown past my need to sacrifice who I am to make a relationship work.”
He nods. “I understand. I wouldn’t want you to do that.”
I look away from him. “I hope you find happiness, Alex. Real and lasting happiness.”
Turning away, I leave before I say anything that I might regret. I need to escape somewhat intact to make it home in one piece. My legs feel stiff, but I push open the front door. I see a car pull up in the gravel driveway and get in.
As I look at my phone, I tell the driver, “My flight is in two hours.”
“No problem, miss. We’ll be there in twenty minutes.”
I look at my phone. It’s February in New York. I’m wearing bikini bottoms under my dress. I’ll need to purchase warmer clothes to get home.
I repeat to myself several times,Do not fall apart. But it doesn’t matter. I feel tears slide down my face, and then I begin to sob. And not quiet sobs, gut-wrenching, disturbing sounds, but the driver ignores me and keeps driving.
By the time we reach the airport, I’ve been able to collect myself somewhat. Tears still slide down my face, but the terrible moans have stopped.
The driver pulls over at the entrance and gets out of the car. He hands me a packet of tissues and says, “I’m sorry, miss.”
I nod, hiccup, and say, “I’ll survive. Thank you.”
Walking away is so painful. I want to go back and beg Alex to reconsider. I miss him so much. But I can’t. I’ll have to give up a part of myself that I’ll never get back. I need to forge ahead and decide how I want to live my life.
I can’t do that in his shadow.
20
Recognizing Love (Alex)
Iwrangle a group of twenty-something-year-old males towards the white van waiting to pick them up. They are all shining stars in Silicon Valley startups. They came to Peru to kayak along Amazon tributaries, fish for piranhas, and sleep in the rainforest. But from listening to their conversations, they came to find themselves again and reconnect with their inner child.
“It was a pleasure, gentleman. Safe travels.”
Each of them shakes my hand before climbing into the van and thanking me for my trouble. It has been a difficult trip with unusual rain, a late-night bite from a rattlesnake, and helping one of them who could barely swim.
I text Sonia that I’m ready to be picked up. Within seconds, she texts back.Look for a blue Toyota Hilux. Keys under the visor.
I see the truck and head towards it. I don’t think I could function without Sonia. My life would be a series of frustrating encounters and long wait times.
