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“Like I said, it’s hypothetical.”
“Hmm.” Nadia narrowed her eyes at me. She didn’t believe that it was hypothetical, and she was my best friend—she knew when I was telling the truth and when I was lying. Damn if I was going to tell her that this wasn’t just about any guy, it was about Jameson.
“Wouldn’t you feel like you want to crawl into a hole?” I asked.
“Maybe,” Nadia said. “It depends on the situation.”
I tapped my foot, irritated.
It pissed me off that he affected me this much—who was he to determine my worth? For years, I’d saved myself, making sure that the men in my life were worthy of my virtue… only to always find them lacking.
“The thing is, if he doesn’t want me, then he’s missing out,” Nadia said with a sniff. “I mean, it’s not always easy to remember your worth, but you have to.”
“Very profound,” I sighed.
I’d wanted to give myself to Jameson, but if that wasn’t what he wanted… I realized it didn’t take away from my worth at all.
“I’ve always been scared of what it would mean to sleep with someone,” I admitted.
“You’re not still…” Nadia hesitated, her eyes wide. “Are you still a virgin?”
“My dad was determined that I’m not,” I said.
“What? Oaklee, what are you saying?”
I shrugged. “It’s not a big deal, because nothing actually happened. I’m just saying, my dad was fine telling his friends they could have me if they could catch me. Even before I shifted and could really get away.”
“Oh, my God, Oaklee…” Nadia’s voice trailed off, shock on her face.
“It’s fine,” I said, waving my hand. “Really. They never caught me.”
“Even before you shifted?”
I pursed my lips, trying not to think back to the past. I hated the emotions that came with it, and I forced myself to offer a bright smile so she wouldn’t see the negative impact just talking about it had on me. I hated looking like the victim, even if for a long time, that was exactly what I’d been. I hadn’t told Nadia about the spell I’d learned from Augusta when I was a kid. It was the main reason I’d been able to hide myself from my dad’s scummy friends who’d wanted to have their way with me. I’d had help on my side. My mom had protected me by letting Augusta teach us without knowing it. She’d saved me in so many ways.
“The thing is,” I continued, “I’ve always been scared about what it means to open myself up to someone else and be vulnerable. Sex is a connection, and I don’t want it to be meaningless.”
“Sex makes you vulnerable, and you can get hurt, you’re right,” Nadia admitted. “But if it’s with the right person, it’s…” Her face changed, becoming ethereal, and she closed her eyes. “It’samazing. You get close to someone so that you know them, and they know you, and it’s like you’re one person, living and breathing and hearts beating at the same time.”
“You make it sound so romantic.”
“It can be.”
Had sex been like that for my mom? My dad had left us before I’d been born, and she hadn’t dated again after him. She’d always said she had better things to do with her life than give it all up for amale. Knowing what my dad was like, I’d understood what she’d meant.
My dad had made me feel like I was nothing but a waste of his time and space, a nuisance when he had better things to do with his life. Had he made my mom feel like that, too?
What if that was what it was to have sex with someone—this gamble where you didn’t know if you were everything, or nothing?
“Look, hypothetically, I think you should tell whoever it was who left you high and dry to go fuck himself and know that he’s just missing out if he decided to turn you down.”
“Oh, I’m not talking about reality. I’m just—”
“Yeah, yeah, asking a hypothetical question. Still, you don’t need someone to validate you, and sex sure as shit isn’t the way to find acceptance. So if it didn’t happen the way you might have hoped, then good riddance.”
I chewed on my bottom lip. I guess that made sense.
When I’d left Montana to come back home and create a new life, I’d been determined to start fresh, to live the life I deserved.
