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What was I thinking?
I can’t trust this. It wouldn’t work.
Sooner or later, he would realize and leave. Everybody leaves me. That’s what they do.
I gotta get out of here. Now.
My eyes snap open, and I push out of his arms.
I give my back to him and jump out of bed.
I know I’m acting like a crazy person right now, but I can’t stop…
I start to look for my clothes. I don’t need much. Just my pants and shoes and my phone and—
I feel Carson’s hand clasp my arm, and then I’m facing him again.
He doesn’t understand what’s going on, and I don’t know that I could ever explain it to him and make a lick of sense.
I try to yank free of his hold, and he immediately lets me go and takes a step back. I see his lips moving, calling my name.
“Mia! What the fuck is going on? Talk to me, baby! I’m begging you! Calm down! Tell me what’s wrong!”
I start to shake my head again, tears streaming down my face and blurring my vision, but I still can see his stricken expression as I continue denying him, and it stops me cold.
I feel panic recede, only a little bit, but still, it’s enough that I can fall into his arms again instead of trying to run away from him.
Carson picks me up as if I weigh nothing and carries me back to bed, my arms fasten around his neck, fingers gripping his shoulders.
Once we’re both sitting –he on the bed and me in his lap– he just crushes me to him, hands moving up and down my back, in a comforting motion as I cry, and cry and cry until I have no more tears to give and my body is shaking so much, and my stomach is cramping so badly that I'm pretty sure I'm one step away from being sick.
After a while, Carson pushes me away from him a little and dries my tears with his thumbs, then hugs me again, rocking me against his chest.
“Baby, can you tell me what’s wrong? What happened just now? Why don’t you want me to tell you that thing?”
I read the pain in his eyes and on his lips. I sigh, sniffling, and then nod –I have to tell him something–, but when I try to sign or fingerspell, I can’t because my hands are shaking too much.
He pulls me into another big hug. And I feel like the only thing keeping me together right now is him. His arms cradling me and his lips dropping little kisses all over my head as his hands never stop caressing my back and sides are what’s keeping me anchored. They are the things pushing my fear away. They are the things that finally dislodge my heart from my throat and make air flow back into my lungs at a regular rate.
We stay like that for a little while longer, and when I still can’t sign, I motion for his phone.
He reaches behind me to get it from on top of the nightstand and passes it to me.
“Go on, baby… and don’t worry. Take your time. You know you can tell me anything, right?”
I sniffle, nodding. Then, I turn to look at the screen of the phone. For a bit, I just stare at the white, empty page he pulled up for me, struggling to get ahold of my thoughts, of my feelings, trying to put them in order for him so he can attempt to understand what’s going on inside of me. So he can see why I’m so scared. How is it that I know —I just know— that he’s going to go away and leave me alone, taking the broken pieces of my heart with him.
“I know I told you I was yours, and you were mine always, Carson. And it’s true: I am yours. I’m never going to belong to anyone else. There is only ever going to be you for me. But I won’t hold you to the forever that you promised me. I know you could never be really mine.”
Stupid tears start to fall on my cheeks again, and I have to stop typing for a little bit.
“You can’t be mine because you are too much, and I’m not nearly enough. I’m not enough for you. I could never be. I'm not perfect. And someday, you're going to realize you want perfect. So that’s why I can’t let you tell me that thing. Because it would hurt too much –when you leave. I can learn, I can change, I can adapt, but still, I will never be perfect, and you deserve perfect, Carson. So I’m going to let you go before it’s too late.”
I’m terrified to show him the screen.
I’m scared that he’s going to read my words and realize I’m right far sooner than he would have on his own if things hadn’t brought us to this right now.
I’m terrified that all those little moments that I was so eager to live with him before the inevitable happened will never come to pass now.
