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I’ve never experienced this before. It’s a total communion, a coming together, a true mingling. It’s sex, but it’s more than sex.
It’s like I’m revealing myself to him, letting him in through all my walls, past all my worries, into the darkest parts of me.
I take him, whispering in his ear. Telling him what I want. What I need. “All of you,” I groan as he pins me down, sliding deeper between my legs, fucking me rough, growling like a beast. “More of you. All of you. More and more.”
“I’ve been dreaming of this all my life,” he murmurs as he goes faster, sliding into me, stretching me wide. My hands above my head. He bites my nipples, licks and sucks them. “Dreaming of feeling like I matter. I’ve been chasing it for years. Killing for it. Now I have what I’ve always needed.”
“I have it too,” I groan, feeling the freedom that flows from taking him. From choosing him. “I have you.”
We come together, in a burst, in a joyous overflow. He comes, writhing, whispering in my ear. Him inside of me, and my arms wrapped around him, to the point where bodies no longer matter.
After, when we’re spent and the sweat’s drying on my skin, I lean my head on his chest, listening to the slow thump of his heart. He’s so big, so broad, like he’s two people in one.
“Can I admit something to you?” I say, glancing up at him. A little knot of worry begins to dig itself into my spine.
“If you’re about to say how much you love getting fucked by me, don’t bother, I already know.”
“So modest,” I say, pinching his arm. He laughs, shaking me off. “I’m being serious though.”
“Go ahead. Admit away.”
“I’m worried about this.” I kiss his chest.
“The job tomorrow?”
“Yes,” I say, but shake my head. “And also, what happens after.”
He’s quiet, staring up at the ceiling. I can’t read his face. He’s good at shutting it down, at hiding his emotions when that’s what he wants. “I think you’d be crazy not to worry, at least a little bit.”
“That’s not really making me feel better.”
“Tell me exactly what you’re thinking then.”
I pull away. If I stay on top of him, I won’t be able to think straight. I lean on an elbow, facing him, noses even despite him towering over me when we’re standing upright.
“You’re a drifter,” I say, letting that hang for a moment.
“I don’t really love the implications of the worddrifter. Like I’m some hook-wielding murderer looking for teens making out on Lover’s Point.”
“You know what I’m saying. You’re restless. You’ve been moving around Europe for a long time now, never sitting still.”
“That’s true,” he admits, brushing my hair from my face.
“Then why would I think you’re going to stop now? Why would I think you’re going to stop drifting when this is over?” I squirm slightly, not happy with how vulnerable I’m making myself.
But he only nods. “I understand what you’re saying.”
“Do you?” I feel like I might explode. All the emotions I’ve been managing to suppress through a combination of fear and anxiety rush into me now. “Because I feel some type of way about you, Lanzo, and I can’t stand the thought of you leaving when this is done. I know we never discussed the future, but I’m starting to have thoughts about it.”
“I don’t want to leave,” he whispers softly, reaching for me, but I pull away. If I let him keep touching me, it’ll only weaken my resolve.
“That’s not the same as staying.” I roll onto my back. “I’m not going to force you to give up your life for me. You have things over there, friends and colleagues, you have a job or whatever you call it, you have everything. I’m just some random, nobody girl you met at a really weird time in our lives. I saw Burian’s face, and that made me useful for a little while, but now you’ve seen it too. You don’t need me anymore. I can’t possibly imagine you’re going to stop everything and stay behind, just because I want you to. And honestly, I don’t want to ask you to, I never really thought you would, I never really expected it, and I guess I just kept putting it off, until—”
“Renata,” he says, interrupting me. I clap my mouth shut, teeth clicking together.
I went ahead and spilled my guts to him, embarrassed myself, and now he’s going to let me down.
Softly, gently, but still down.
