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“I do! It’s...it’s one thing when it doesn’t matter that much. But actual things I care about... I don’t know if it’s because I’m like my dad or if it’s because of him leaving—does that make sense? I just...feel afraid. That if I get happy, if I want something too much...that I’ll lose it.”
“Now, that I understand.”
She smiled, but it was a nervous smile.
They finished up their breakfast before making their way back to the truck and driving to Mapleton, to the doctor’s office. It was a small office, with barely a waiting room, and they were ushered back almost immediately.
There were forms to fill out. New-patient ones, and they asked a whole bunch of questions. And she got to one, and her pen stopped moving. “Why did they have to ask that?”
He looked where she’d stopped.
Date of last intercourse.
“Put it down,” Gus said. “You don’t need to be embarrassed.”
He knew the date. Because he remembered that day. Her in the parking lot looking lost...
She wrinkled her nose, but she did. He could feel her nerves amping up, especially as they moved from the waiting room to the exam room.
“Disrobe,” said the nurse. “And the doctor will be in soon. Here’s a gown for you.”
He stepped outside, keeping his back firmly to the door and doing his best not to imagine what she was doing in there. And a few moments later, the door cracked open, and she was standing there. “Come in,” she said.
She was wearing that gown, and she did a little hop up onto the exam table, where she sat, hands in her lap, swinging her feet.
“You regretting asking me to come?”
“No. I’m scared. I’m glad that I’m not by myself.” She frowned. “Anyway. You need to be part of it. You need to. Because... I really can’t do it by myself, Gus. I can’t. I really want my baby to have a dad. And...”
“Hey,” he said. “What started all that?”
“It’s just very real now. And we’re here. And it all feels...like a weird daydream when it’s just you and me, and we’re at the house. And I’m cooking. And I go to sleep in the new bedroom. And I think about all the furniture that I’m going to order and spend your money on. And it’s easy to forget thewhyof it. But not here. Here I remember why. Here I know why. I know why I’m here. I know why you’re here. And...and we were just talking about my parents, and you know they always seemed perfect to me. And likeadults. That was the thing. They seemed like adults. I don’t feel like an adult, Gus. And I’m supposed to have a baby. And I’m not sure if I can do it. I don’t know what I’m doing. At all. I have no idea. And...”
“Hey,” he said. “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing either. But we are going to figure it out. And we’re going to figure it out together. I’m here. I’m here.”
But he didn’t touch her. Because he wouldn’t let himself do it. Because he knew that way lay madness, and he had to keep some level of sanity.
He didn’t really know what to say. And he knew that it was his job to come up with something. Since he was supposed to be...hell, he was supposed to be taking care of her. Taking care of things.
“You don’t need to worry,” he said.
And he had no idea if that was true. But he figured if he said it with enough authority it would suit her. And it seemed to.
The doctor knocked a moment later, and came in. A bland-looking woman with gray hair, and he was hopeful that meant she had experience. That none of this would surprise her. That the blandness came from the fact that she didn’t get excited if there was no need to be excited. Yeah. He was counting on that.
“All right,” she said. “Today we’re just going to do a quick ultrasound to get a look. We’ll do an official one with all manner of measurements and to determine gender in a few weeks. This is just to establish the viability of the pregnancy and try to confirm your dates.”
She looked at him, afraid. He wondered if it was the wordviability. And he touched her face, even though he shouldn’t have. And she seemed to lean into that touch.
“All right, go ahead and lie back,” the doctor said. “Have you had a transvaginal ultrasound before?”
“No,” she said, grabbing hold of Gus’s hand. And his brain had shorted out already. Because he had never... They had never... And here he was.
“I’ll stay right here,” he said, up by her shoulder resolutely. And he fixed his eyes straight on her face. “Hey. You’re going to be fine.”
He was saying that partly for himself.
The doctor pulled out a wand, and quickly, he diverted his gaze again. And he just held her hand, while everything got situated.
