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“I’m sorry,” she murmurs regretfully. “I’m sorry you’re so conflicted about this. And I do understand. I completely see how this might put you in a tough position. The only thing I can tell you, Camden, is that you’re going to have to figure out your feelings. I don’t feel wrong about this. I might have been uneasy at first, but the one thing I keep coming back to is that Mitch wanted me to be happy. We had conversations about what life might look like without each other. We were both firmly in agreement that we would want the other person to move on and be happy. Whether that was with another partner or not. We loved each other so much that we would never abandon that commitment with death. Loving each other meant letting the other person have no guilt about moving on to another. I know Mitch would be disappointed if I didn’t seek out something for myself.”
I brush my thumbs over her cheekbones, a faint smile filtering through the worry. “You forget… I knew Mitch too. Knew him well. Without a doubt, I know he would want you to be happy.”
“So let’s not worry about what other people think.”
I lean down and brush my lips over hers. “It’s not that easy, Dani. If it was just me and you living in a different reality, I wouldn’t think twice about it. But I’m a Titan and part of what makes this team successful is the underlying respect and loyalty that we have for each other. Look at Bain and Kiera… they’re two consenting adults and should be able to do whatever the hell they want, but it’s going to cause a major ripple if they’re caught. Drake will be livid, and it will change the team dynamic. I don’t know if I can risk doing that to my teammates. It only takes one or two of them to look at me and you and say we’re wrong and that I’ve stabbed Mitch in the back. And if that happens, everything we’ve worked so hard for could be in jeopardy. I know that sounds dramatic, but you’ve been in this community long enough to know that what I’m saying is true.”
Danica closes her eyes as if she’s trying to process the onslaught of worry I’ve unloaded on her. When she opens them again, they’re filled with understanding. “I never thought of it that way. But I do see what you’re saying. So, what do we do?”
Dropping my hands, I turn my head and nod toward the door. “You can tell me to leave. You can tell me it’s over.”
Danica shakes her head. “Not an option.”
My knees almost buckle from the relief of those three words. “Then I say we hold the course, see where this thing goes, and we’ll figure out what to do as we go along. But we keep this to ourselves.”
I can tell by her expression that she’s not actually on board with this. In its crudest fashion, I’m essentially asking her to be my secret side piece. I’m denying her the ability to be a full part of my life and I hate myself for it.
But not enough to leave her alone.
CHAPTER 22
Camden
Another great gameunder my belt. No goals, but I got an assist and also single-handedly stopped a breakaway—cleanly and without penalty—to make sure we stayed ahead to win the game. I felt in control, my mind connected to the game and a fire in my belly that’s been absent for longer than I care to admit.
Knowing that Danica and Travis were in the crowd watching at my invitation produced more nuanced feelings. My adrenaline pumped knowing they were cheering me on, but I also worried that it might have been too much pressure on them.
They came to watch Mitch at almost all of his home games, and while I know they’ve been to a few games this season, it’s not a huge part of their lives. I’m not sure if I complicate this for them. Danica and I are lovers. Travis and I have become friends and he looks up to me. Are they feeling disloyal to Mitch today? Or are they thinking about him at all?
Danica would tell me we’re sharing space—the good memories of Mitch and the current memories with me. It’s still all very confusing, but the one thing I’m proud of is that I pushed those thoughts out of my head when I stepped onto the ice. Until that final buzzer sounded, I didn’t worry about Danica and our illicit relationship, or whether I’m trying to be something to Travis I shouldn’t be, or even the worst thought that sometimes plagues me about whether I can ever measure up to Mitch.
Of course, now that the game is over and I’m heading out to meet Danica and Travis at a popular restaurant that specializes in great burgers and even better milkshakes, those insecurities are creeping in. But I let them float about my mind because I have to deal with them, and one thing Danica has taught me is that it does no good to push things down and ignore them. That was my mistake after the crash… trying to be like my dad and brothers. To suck it up and be strong.
It’s funny, but I’ve talked more about the crash, the losses, my emotions and feelings in the past four weeks since reconnecting with Danica than I have in the past year. I can talk about my survivor’s guilt without overwhelming panic crushing my chest. Last night after the gala, after we wore each other out in bed, we lay on our sides facing each other and talked things through. I mused about how scary and uncontrollable fate was and that you never knew when your time was up. She pointed out that fate can be kind, as it saw fit to stop me from joining my team that day. A frustrating knee injury that thoroughly pissed me off kept me off that plane.
Fate was exceptionally generous to me and I know that. The difference between before and after meeting Danica is that I was never able to be grateful for it. I’ve felt too guilty to admit how fucking fortunate I am.
“It’s okay to be glad to be alive,” Danica said, and then she said something else I’ll never forget. “I, for one, am very glad you weren’t on that plane.”
Those were some forceful words, shocking me to my core. Validation that I have the potential to be someone important to her. Maybe as important as Mitch one day.
The burger joint is a short walk from the arena and I’m going to meet Danica and Travis there. I could’ve had them meet me in the family lounge on the same level as the locker room, but that would be outing ourselves and we’re not ready for that.
When I enter the restaurant, my gaze sweeps the place. It’s crowded because it’s dinnertime, our game an afternoon one. People recognize me instantly and I have a fleeting moment of panic that maybe this was a bad idea.
I’m a Titan getting ready to sit down and have a meal with a Titan widow and her kid.
I spot Travis first—he’s facing me from a booth in the back. His smile is huge and he’s waving with both arms. Danica sits next to him, as beautiful as ever, and despite my unease, just seeing her settles something deep inside me. It’s a blanket of calmness and I decide to embrace it.
Winding my way through the tables, a few people tell me “Good game” and someone takes a photo of me as I walk by. Travis slips out of the booth to rush up to me. “You were awesome tonight, Camden.”
I’m shocked when he throws himself against my side for a hug and my arm comes naturally—protectively—around him for a squeeze, then a ruffle of his hair. “Thanks, kid.”
He pulls away and turns to go back to the booth, and I see he’s wearing Mitch’s name and number on his jersey. It’s an older jersey, worn from many washings. My heart thumps, a moment of sadness for Travis mixed with immense awe at his resilience and ability to embrace his past and future.
He slides in next to his mom and I realize she’s wearing Mitch’s jersey too. While I have the same flash of sorrow for her, awed that she calmly coexists with what’s behind and what’s in front of her, an extra emotion digs at me.
A bit of jealousy.
