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Meandering across the living room, I join Baden, Sophie, Gage and Jenna. Gage was my teammate last year and is now a coach. Since he made the transition, there’s a line of respect we don’t cross, but at these types of gatherings, no one’s a player and no one’s a coach. We’re all simply Titans.
I get sucked into a conversation aboutTed Lasso. Baden’s never seen it and we’re astounded and give him shit. I feel someone at my elbow and move to the left to make room for another person to join the conversation.
It’s Danica. My body reacts immediately, in painful ways that pull me in different directions. Her arm brushes against mine and I smell her shampoo, and it makes me want to devour her in front of everybody. This is doused quickly by my panic that everyone in this group will see my feelings in my expression and bearing.
I barely spare her a glance and look across the room. Kirill is standing all alone at the kitchen island, nibbling on carrots and dip. “Hey… I’ll be back. I’ve got to ask Kirill something.”
No one pays me any attention except Danica. And I don’t so much see as feel her hurt that I didn’t give her more than a brief glance. That I’m leaving as soon as she arrives.
I’m only able to suck in a relieved breath when I reach Kirill.
“What’s up, man?” he says, and I grab a carrot, swirling it in the dip. I fucking hate carrots.
“Not much,” I mutter and twist my neck to look over at Danica. To see how badly I’ve either pissed her off or hurt her.
But she’s not where I left her.
My eyes scan the room and the carrot drops out of my hand and into the dip when I see her walking out the front door with her coat on and her purse hitched over her shoulder.
“What the fuck?” I grouse, looking at my watch. She’s leaving earlier than we’d planned and before me.
I don’t rush to follow but follow her I do. Casually winding my way through people, I even manage a quick joke to Bain about arriving so late and deciding to join us. He smirks, but he’s forgotten as I exit the house.
From the front porch, I scan left to right for Danica. The cars are parked on both sides of the street. I spot her half a block down.
Without hesitation, I jump off the porch and cut across Coen’s front yard. I hurdle a low line of shrubbery into the neighbor’s yard and manage to intercept Danica. My hand takes her wrist. I love how delicate her bones are and how soft her skin is. “Why did you leave so early? Is everything okay?”
She tugs her arm away and while her tone is even and calm, her eyes are harsh and unyielding. “No, it’s not okay. I can’t do this, Camden. I thought I could but I can’t.”
I thought I had some panic moments in the house but clearly not. Right now, I feel like I might hyperventilate. “Can’t do what? I don’t understand.”
“I can’t be with you and not be with you. It’s not okay that you can’t even stand next to me in a group and have a normal conversation. I might have been able to pretend we were just friends if you could’ve pretended as well, but your absolute ignorance of me is unbearable. You lying to get space from me is inexcusable.”
I’m hot and want to tug on my collar. “What? What do you mean?”
“You said you were grabbing beers for you and Bain and walked away. That was a lie. Bain wasn’t even there yet.”
I frown in puzzlement. “How did you know that? You’d just arrived yourself.”
“Never mind how I know,” she snaps angrily. “I just know, okay?”
Holding up my hands, I surrender and knowing I’m being overly obtuse because I’m on the defense, I ask, “Okay. I still don’t understand. Did I do something wrong here?”
She blows out a breath and looks off to the left, refusing to meet my eyes. “You didn’t do anything at all.”
“And that makes you mad.”
Danica faces me. “No, that makes me sad. It makes me sad because I can’t be falling for a man who doesn’t have the courage to want to fall for me.”
“I am falling for you,” I insist. I step into her, cup her cheeks and bend my head to peer at her. “I’m there, Danica. I’m not trying to hurt you, but it’s a precarious time for this all to be happening. It’s bad timing.”
“For you,” she says evenly as she steps backward, causing my hands to fall away. “But not for me.”
I feel awkward so I shove them in my jeans pockets, vaguely noticing that it’s starting to snow. But I don’t feel the cold. “What does this mean? You don’t want to see me anymore?”
She takes in another deep breath and lets it out so slowly, maybe to prolong a very painful answer. “I can’t get in any deeper with you. My feelings are already too tied up, and after tonight, they’re now bruised. I can’t live half a life with you, not only because it hurts me, but ultimately, it will be too confusing for Travis. He can’t see us together and happy, then watch us act as strangers around the team or others.” I wince, because I understand how fucked up that sounds. “If we continue like this and he sees you’re one way with me when we’re alone and then you completely ignore me when we’re around others, it will confuse him. Fuck… it confuses me. I’m not about to let Travis see his mother made to feel like she’s not good enough. I’m not ever going to let my kid think that’s right.”
I stumble back from her, those last words landing like physical blows to my chest and twisting my guts into painful knots. Is that what I’m doing to her?
