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I swayed forward to grab it.
I bent—
But my eyes fell on something else dead and unwanted in the sea of safety glass.
Something small and spiky.
Something peach and cream.
Something that belonged in the ocean or Aslan’s pocket.
Not here. Not in a city. Not on a dirty street.
The shell.
The spiny frog shell I’d given Aslan when he’d saved my life.
All the ice, all the fog and frost, all the guilt and numbness shattered.
I collapsed to my knees.
A wail exploded from my mouth.
And I saw clearly without any film of disbelief or haze of bargaining.
I saw the truth.
And I broke.
No.
No.
NO!
Crawling on my hands and knees, not feeling anything other than the pain searing in my chest, I grabbed Aslan’s shell and threw myself over him.
I drove my fist over his heart, over and over again, losing myself to sobs. “Wake up. Please, please wake up. You have to wake up. Please, Aslan. Please, please don’t do this. I can’t lose you. I can’t. I won’t. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I didn’t mean to put you in danger. I—”
Ambulance sirens sounded.
Coming so fast, so quick.
“Wake up!” I rocked over him, clutching his shell, begging it to grant a wish and bring him back to me. “Please!”
Give us one more chance. One more moment where we’re unseen and safe.
“Please, Aslan—”
“I’m sorry. So sorry,” the driver cried, giant tears rolling down his cheeks as red and blue flashing lights cast over him. A large decal-covered van zoomed up the street: a gallant box on wheels to save the day.
No.
They can’t.
I won’t let them.
The sirens cut off as the ambulance jerked to a stop behind the ruined car before rolling slowly around to park in front of us.
Headlights from the Mazda and taillights from the ambulance drowned us in illumination.
White light.
Red light.
Heaven and hell.
A woman and man leaped from the van and dashed to the back. Wrenching open the double doors at the rear, the man grabbed a medical bag all while the woman muttered something into her radio stuck to her shoulder.
The male EMT took one look at the driver, sniffed the marijuana-pungent air coming from the Mazda, and barked at his colleague, “Tell the police to hurry up.” Pointing at the guy, he barked, “Are you hurt?”
The driver shook his head. “Nah. I’m fine. The airbag went off. I-I’m fine.” He swiped at his tears. “He’s not, though. He’s breathing but hasn’t moved. Fuck, I’m going to jail, aren’t I?” He lost himself in a tangle of sobs. Falling to his ass, he wrapped his arms around his knees, rocking back and forth.
The EMT ignored him, dropping to his haunches beside Aslan and tearing into his bag of tricks.
I just blinked.
I couldn’t feel my hands or my body.
The pain was too much.
The loss.
The fear.
The guilt.
It choked me, broke me, and the numbness was back.
I dissociated from this life.
I wanted another one.
The one where Aslan surprised me with a tattoo and promised to seduce me tonight with toys and fantasies.
I wanted the one where he was legally allowed to live here. Legally allowed to receive care. Legally allowed to get into that ambulance and come home to me once he was all better.
I floated above my body, looking down on Aslan strewn and still in the middle of the road as the medic worked on him.
I couldn’t do a damn thing.
I couldn’t breathe.
I couldn’t move.
I wanted to steal the ambulance and drive Aslan home myself.
I wanted to stab him with all the needles and patch him up with all the bandages.
If we could be left alone, I’d look after him.
I’d fix him, just like he fixed me.
Please, Aslan.
God, Aslan.
This can’t be happening...
I swayed on the spot, fighting the greyness in my vision and the strange stabbing pain in my lower belly. It fluttered and flittered like I’d swallowed a badly behaving bird.
The EMT glanced at me, his eyebrows coming down in worry. “Were you struck too?”
His words were nothing more than static.
A buzzing.
A humming.
Aslan.
Aslan.
I can’t lose you.
I’m sorry...
“Hey.” The guy snapped his fingers in front of my face. “Are you injured?”
Tears rolled silently down my cheeks.
The female EMT suddenly crowded me, blocking my vision of Aslan and shining a torch in my eyes.
I winced.
I tripped backward.
She caught me and looked at her partner. “I think she’s in shock.”
I shook my head.
No, I’m fine.
There’s nothing wrong with me.
A tearing, slicing pain in my belly.
Aslan.
Heal him here.
Fix him here.
Don’t take him anywhere.
Please...
“Call ahead,” the male EMT ordered. “Tell them three patients in-bound. One will arrive with police and two with us.”
The woman obeyed, marching away and relaying the message to dispatch.
Time skipped, and she was suddenly back in front of me, studying me closely as I wrapped my arms around my strangely spasming middle.
“What’s your name?” she asked softly. “What’s his name?”
