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That does it. That’s what finally shatters his mom’s patience. She shoots up from the table and grabs her purse. She storms over and shakes her finger in his face. “I have nothing to threaten you with that you’re going to listen to because we love you too much, but….” She stops and suddenly gets a devilish look on her face. It’s absolutely demonical, and I can practically hear the air sizzling as it gets hotter and hotter in here.
Thaddius sees it. He looks instantly panicked even though he’s still standing in place, holding his ground, and still petting the darned donkey on the head. “Don’t. Don’t you even suggest it. Don’t you even go there.”
“I’m going there. I’m going there right now. Your grandma and I will personally come out here every single day if you aren’t married within the week. Every. Single. Day. For the rest of…forever. Don’t think about trying to escape us. It’s not possible. We’ll move hell and high water to buy the land next to yours. Then we’ll all move out here and live off the grid. Or whatever it is you’re doing. We’ll farm chickens and get donkeys. I’ll raise a donkey farm and make my own donkey cheese. And you’ll see me every single day because that’s what families do. They love each other and check in with each other. A wholeeeee lot.”
“That’s it! Out!’ A snap of the fingers in his mom’s face is the worst Thaddius can muster. Alright, so maybe he’s holding back just a smidge. But whatever it is, heisgetting awfully red.
She shakes a finger right back at him. It’s clear he’s no match in the annoyed and slightly peeved-off finger-shaking game. “One week, Thaddius. One week orelse.”
“You can take your threats and…and…sheep them.
I gasp, his grandma gasps, and his mom gasps. But Thaddius stands firm.
Silently, his grandma gets up from the table. “Thank you for breakfast,” she says sweetly.
They clear out pretty fast after that. I even hear the crunch of gravel as their car peels off down the driveway.
I turn and face Thaddius. His eyes look like they’re going to bug out. I don’t think petting the donkey is doing much to lower his blood pressure at the moment. Maybe it doesn’t work with donkeys the way it works with dogs. I know I’m pressing my luck, but I can’t stop myself. If I ever had a chance to make my case, it’s now.
“We have a week to see a lawyer,” I say softly with zero acid and zero smarty-pants tartness. If we’re screwed, we’re screwed together, so we need to work together. “I suggest we find a good one.”
CHAPTER 9
Thaddius
“In my humble legal opinion, it looks like you’re in a pickle of a dill here. Or a dill of a pickle. Either way, you’re pretty well hooped on this one unless we take action.”
I can tell that Nina isn’t sitting across from this fancy, expensive lawyer who agreed to meet with us at the last minute if he could charge out the wazoo for it, thinking big, hefty—I told you so—thoughts. She’s way too sweet for that. Her face immediately just transforms into a huge radiant beacon of relief mixed with joy, and what is wrong with me that it actually makes me feel better to see her smile?
Even if that smile is basically just pure nonsense because she’s the kind of person who would still smile and thank the universe if it decided to open up, swallow her whole, and then fart her back out into another dimension where they served only food she detests.
Like broccoli.
We’ve brought both our contracts. The lawyer I made an appointment with is Brock Axestone, which has to be an invented name to go with the red-blonde four-foot beard and skullet. He’s the only one out of twelve lawyers who messaged me back. One was based here in Upperhand, and the eleven others were in Seattle. It wasn’t like I had a choice. I thought we might as well go and give it a try. At least, then, I could tell Nina that I gave it an honest shot, and we could move on.
But no, Brock Axestone is real, even if his name might not be. I think that’s a skullet by choice. As in, the guy shaved off a good part of his hair because he wants to have the badass Viking aura that matches his beard. It’s shiny bald in the front but long in the back. Really long. And braided, just like his beard. There are even a few rings in the beard braids. He’s wearing a suit, and he has a nice office in town. Even if it was a long drive from my house and I had to make sure all the animals were fed and cared for before we could leave, it seemed like it was going to be worth it.
“What do you mean hooped?” Nina’s voice finally falters, and she looks concerned. “You haven’t looked at my contract yet.”
Brock leans back in his desk chair and grunts long and loudly. For a second, I think that’s all we’re going to get, but then he follows that up with something less Viking-sounding. “As far as the marriage goes, no one can force you into it.”
Nina never gave me a told-you-so look, so I’m not going to do that now. I keep my expression perfectly blank. Aside from the regular grumpy look that’s been etched into my features by life these past few months.
“Hooped, as in that you do realize if you decide not to follow through with the marriage, then your family is going to disown you?”
“What?” I nearly jerked out of my seat.
“Yeah. It’s right here, on page twelve.”
“The damn thing is over twenty pages, and it’s all very fine print. I haven’t read through every point. Whatever. I don’t need their money. I have my own. So if they want to write me out of the will, it’s fine.”
“But it states very clearly here that your mother and father are also to be written out.”
“What?” This time, Nina yelps as she leaps out of the chair. “No! That’s…are you serious? That’s why she’s pushing for this?”
“My dad doesn’t give a rat’s bottom about my grandma’s money. I can’t say I’m surprised.” But I am. Very surprised. Does my mom want this because she loves me or because she wants to be firmly rooted in my grandma’s will?
“Let me see your contract.” Brock thumbs through Nina’s as she sits down, but she keeps squirming nervously in the chair. He nods after a few minutes. “They’re nearly identical. I would say they were drawn up at the same time and place.” He flips through a few more pages and gets to the end. “Yup, indeed they were. Same goes for you. If you don’t follow through with the marriage, then both your parents are…well, hooped also.”
