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A place that only one other soul on this planet knows I was in the depths of and dragged me from it.
“Quinn?” the doctor calls again to get my attention.
“I know you’re ready to get home to your girls, so we have scheduled a follow-up next week, and the nurse will come in to do the discharge teaching with you in a few.”
I nod, unable to speak. Ever since our family left, the inevitable talk has been weighing heavily on me. I just want to be alone with Eli at this point. I need him to understand. Ever since I woke up in the early hours of the morning, my room has been full of hospital staff and family.
I see a thousand different scenarios racing through his brain, and I honestly have no clue how he is going to react to this.
“Please let me know if you need anything else.”
I muster up a thank you before she exits the room.
I stare at Eli, whose eyes are focused on his lap. He has been nothing but attentive all day, but I know he feels the impeding conversation just like I do.
“I’m so sorry, E. You shouldn’t have found out the way you did last night,” I whisper, and his pain-stricken gaze moves up to meet mine.
“When?” One simple word and one big question.
I hesitate for a few seconds, but I know I have to be honest.
“Beginning of December.” I look up at him, swallowing roughly. “Not this past December, but the one before that.”
He closes his eyes like the pain is just too much. “Ours?” he whispers.
Eli traces every inch of the expression on my face… and that’s all the answer he needs.
Standing up, he comes toward me and falls to his knees on the dirty hospital floor beside my bed.
“Baby...” He starts to cry, causing my own tears to spill. “You should have told me. I know you wanted to protect me, but you should have told me.”
He throws his head back in agonizing pain. “Who was there for you, Q? Tell me what happened. How far along were you?”
I take a deep breath, trying to calm my tears enough to speak. “You know my friend, Gemma, I was telling you about.”
He nods. “She was my nurse that night. She worked part-time triage in the Emergency Department and full-time at the OBGYN clinic. She insisted on me coming to her job so she could be there for me, and she’s been there for me ever since.”
He speaks through breathy tears. “Queenie, please…” Eli pauses, trying to get himself together, and I reach out, threading my fingers through his. “Please tell me that’s not the day you saw me at the appointment with Cami.”
I know my eyes give me away before my words. “It was.”
His head falls to my lap and his back shakes. I want to shield him from this pain, but I also understand his need to know.
Eli turns his head in my lap as he looks at me. “Thinking about you hurting that way, I can’t imagine what seeing me there with her did to you on a day like that. You are so fucking strong, Quinn.”
Remembering that day honestly still felt like a bullet to the heart. She was getting what I wanted, and I couldn’t do a damn thing about it. My baby was already gone.
“How can you love someone who has caused you so much pain?” he questions, and I see another tear slide over his nose, dropping to the sheet covering my legs.
“Eli, how could I ever not love you?” I say, picking his head up to look at me, “I’m not going to lie and say I didn’t hold a lot of resentment toward you. I’m pretty sure that was obvious by the way I pulled away from you, and abundantly clear by how I acted at the club that night. But no matter what, I’ve always loved you, even when I thought I hated you.” I caress the side of his face, letting my fingers trail down until they trace along his gold chain.
“And now look at us. I wouldn’t trade those girls for anything in this world. You three are my everything,” I reiterate, reminding us both of the beautiful life we have together now.
“Seriously, Queenie, you don’t know how lost we would be without you,” he says, kissing my fingertips.
“Will you tell me about the baby? If it isn’t too much on you. It doesn’t have to be today… I know you’ve been through a lot in the past twenty-four hours.”
I think about that for a second. As hard as it is, I know that I also find peace in talking about baby B—the nickname I have always called him or her. Being able to acknowledge the fact that Eli and I created a baby together is something I know I need in my healing process.
