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JESSE
DEAR ELLA,
Today’s not been a good day. The nightmares are getting worse. Harder to sleep. Been a tough few weeks here on base. There are days when I question everything, like what the fuck I’m even doing here.
I know this is what I signed up for, and I’m proud to serve my country, but some days it’s hard to see the bigger picture, to see the finish line of what exactly we’re trying to do here. The things I’ve had to do and see are beyond anything I ever thought possible. And today, it’s taking a toll on me both physically and mentally.
But when I feel like giving up, I think of you. I remind myself I didn’t just run away from home to get away from my father—I came here to make a difference in this world. Not that I’ve yet to tell you about my dad . . .
I’m trying my best here, though. I think of you, and you give me the strength I need to keep going. In some crazy way, it reassures me that being here is right, that somehow, I’ll leave this world better than when we found it. But lately I question WHY. Why am I here? What’s this war doing to me? These aren’t the questions I should be asking during war, though. Just one of those days, I guess . . .
Jesse
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LETTER
ELLA
JESSE,
Last weekend was the first time I’ve seen you since my dorm room. The butterflies in my stomach were out of control the moment I saw you.
My heart had raced faster than one of Daddy’s prized horses when you hugged me.
And is this unladylike to admit—probably—but I was sweating when our eyes locked at Mama’s dinner table that first night.
Were you as uncomfortable as me? Worried I’d ask you again to take my virginity as we broke bread together amongst my family? Or curious if I gave it up to someone else?
There was a tightness to your jaw as you studied me. The constant clench was noticeable since you were clean-shaven. I couldn’t help but wonder why. Make predictions in my head.
Well, until next time,
Ella
LETTER
ELLA
JESSE,
A.J. did it. Became a Navy SEAL. Although he & Marcus like to refer to themselves by a few other names: Frogman. Teamguy. Badass.
I chuckle every time A.J. calls and starts talking again about Hell Week at BUD/S. I had to ask him to define “BUD/S” a few times. The full name is a mouthful: Basic Underwater Demolition/SEAL training.
Of course, you’d know that. Lots of acronyms in the military, I bet.
Anyways, I’m not sure why I’m even writing this. You were at the ceremony when he earned his trident. You’re always there for him. No matter what. But you came and went so fast. I barely had a chance to talk to you. See you.
So much has changed since the last time we saw each other. For me, at least. Has it changed for you?
I have a job now. Teaching.
Still working on my fashion designs but only as a hobby.
I love teaching, don’t get me wrong. My students are everything to me. But every so often I wonder what might have been if I’d followed my dreams and pursued fashion. Oh well. I’m happy making clothes and shoes for myself.
Until I see you again. Hopefully for longer next time,
