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“I don’t think Finn will like that,” Harriet said, laughing. “But you can do what you got to do.”
“I don’t care about dick pics,” Chelsea said. “They are kinda fun to look at. Who knew there were so many different kinds of dicks?”
“Uhm, every guy that has ever been in a locker room, duh,” I answered her and groaned as she licked her lips. Chelsea was so inappropriate. Sometimes I wondered how she hadn’t gotten into more trouble in life.
“True.” She laughed. “And I guess any woman that has starred in a porno movie.”
“Chelsea, you’re going offtrack now.” I shook my head. “Anyway, that’s not important. So I’ll use my bikini pic that makes me look like aBaywatchactress wannabe.”
“Ooh, and use that photo we took when we danced on that bartop last summer. Makes you look fun.”
“But you’re also in the pic.” I frowned at her.
“I don’t care.” She shrugged. “You can crop me out if you want.”
“I’d rather not.” I shook my head. “Fine, I’ll use that one as well.”
“You only need one more,” Harriet said. “What about one of the photos from our family trip to Key West two years ago? The photo of you outside Ernest Hemingway’s house with all those cats is so cute.”
“True.” I nodded. “Okay. I will use those three.” I quickly opened the app and found the photos on my phone. I could see Chelsea scribbling something down on a piece of paper. “What are you writing?”
“Your profile bio.” She looked up at me with a grin. “I’m going to make you sound intriguing, fun, and sexy.”
“I don’t know…I think—”
“Trust me, Polly. This is going to get you so many men.”
“Hmmm.” I pinched my lips together.
“Let’s hear it, then.” Harriet prodded Chelsea to read aloud.
“‘Wanted: one hottie to share starry nights and beach days,’” Chelsea started, and I tried not to cringe at her words. This was definitely not how I would have started my profile myself. “‘I am a beautiful dreamer, lover of art, books, nature, and hiking. I am adventurous and sensual, believing life is to be lived and enjoyed. I’m seeking a man that is masculine, dominant, alpha, strong, handsome, and intelligent. Sweep me off of my feet in the day and carry me into the bedroom at night.’”
“Hell no!” I shouted as Harriet laughed. “There is no way inhellthat I am putting that as my bio.”
“Why not?” Chelsea asked innocently.
“Why not? Well, let me count the reasons why not. I hate hiking. Dominant is a code word for sadomasochists. I do not want to be whipped and chained. Also, are you high? There’s no way I am going to say I’m looking for a man to carry me into the bedroom…makes me sound like I’m just looking for a fuck buddy.”
“But that’s what you want them to think.” Chelsea shrugged. “Fuck boys will be all over this shit. You need a guy by Friday, remember? Do you think that Sweet Joe Scmhoe is going to be all up in your grill?No. You need a man that’s thinking with his small head. Who’s going to be all up in this shit. Doesn’t mean you have to fuck him. You literally just need him to show up on Friday and pretend he’s the bf you’ve told your boss about.”
“I kinda agree with her.” Harriet nodded. “I mean, the profile sounds horny and desperate as hell, but it’s not like it’s real. You’re doing this for a reason. You need to remember that.”
“I guess.” I sighed. “I mean, it just feels so disingenuous.”
“Well, you don’t have to do it.” Chelsea shrugged. “Just tell your boss you and your bf broke up and that’s why—”
“No,” I interjected. “I need a man there on Friday. Fine, text it to me, and I’ll use it.” I groaned loudly. “This is so embarrassing. I hope no one I know sees this shit.”
“Imagine if Dad saw it.” Harriet laughed, and I just glared at her.
“Well, it’s a good thing he’s married to Mom, then, isn’t it?” I opened the text Chelsea had sent me, copied and pasted the bio, and then hit publish on my profile. “Okay, I’m live.” I licked my lips nervously. “I hope this works.”
“It will.” Chelsea nodded. “There will be men fighting over you.”
“Well, I don’t need them fighting. I just need one good guy that is free on Friday.” I sighed. “Then maybe my boss will get off my case and stop accusing me of trying to seduce the other partner.”
“Oooh.” Chelsea’s eyes widened. “Were you?”
