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Shaking his head, his long blonde hair falls over one eye, and he brushes it back. “But...”
“But what?”
He presses a hand against my chest as he grabs my hand with his free one and places it against his chest. “Our hearts used to be in sync. Remember that?”
I swallow the lump in my throat and nod. “Yes.”
“It’s not anymore, Yaya. It hasn’t been for a long time, and you’re right. We both knew that. I didn’t want to admit it, but I don’t know that there’s anything that we can do to change that. Three years went by where I didn’t know who you were and where you had time to grieve and begin healing. Just when you’d started going on with your life, I returned. That wasn’t fair to you. And though it was hard, you tried to be what we once were each day. There’s one thing that we can’t change.”
My forehead crinkles as I stare at my husband, trying to figure out why our lives had to take such drastic turns.
“You can’t change what your heart feels, sweetheart, no more than I can. While you may love me still, you’re not in love with me anymore. I see it in your eyes, and I feel it in how you move when we try to make love.”
He says “try” because our every effort to be intimate is a colossal failure.
“Nicky—”
“Shhh...it’s okay. You can’t help what your heart feels no more than you can help what I feel inclined to do. You asked me to never go on these missions again, but I can’t change my career, Yaya. When you were just entering the second grade, I already had my pilot’s license and was just starting my career. It’s a part of who I am, and I can’t change it.”
I knew it had been unfair to press my anxieties about his flying and career choice on him, but I won’t go through that again; another plane crash that he might not survive. Wondering if when he packs his bags for another trip if he returns.
“As much as I can’t change that, neither can you change the fact that you love someone else.”
I can’t deny what I know in my heart to be true. It took me over a year to fall in love with my husband, but I honestly believe I fell in love with Cade before we left Alta. I just hadn’t realized it yet.
Nicky scoots his chair closer to me and presses his forehead against mine as he cups my face with his palm.
“And you can’t change the fact that you’re having a child with someone else,” I say, finally speaking out loud the truth that neither of us wanted to verbalize before.
Nodding, he replies, “You’re right. Please know that I don’t fault you for this, sweet girl. I will forever love you, but you’re right; it’s time to let go. They say that if you love something, set it free, and if it’s yours, it will return. You won’t return, Yaya. You flew free a while ago, and your heart hasn’t returned. That, too, is okay. We tried, and we just couldn’t pull it back together. Our lives are pulling us both in different directions. I just want you to be happy.”
“Nicky,” I cry.
He presses his lips softly against mine before he pulls back.
“I’m scheduled to fly out tomorrow. I’d planned to return in a couple of weeks, but maybe not?”
“No.”
We sit silently again before I get the courage to ask my next question.
“When is she due?”
“That’s what the phone call was about. To tell me that we had a son yesterday.”
“You’re certain it’s your child?” I ask as I sniffle and wipe the tears away.
He nods. “Without a doubt.”
My heart clenches in my chest as my head drops. He lifts me off my chair and onto his lap.
“Are you sure this is what you want? For us to end us?”
I nod. “You need to be free, Nicky, as much as I need to be free. I’ll forever love you, but I cannot be what you need, and you can’t be what I want.”
He presses a kiss to my lips as his forehead presses against mine. He stares into my eyes when he stops, but neither of us pulls back.
“I promise to always be your friend,” I say softly.
