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“When I finally came to terms with it, I was stuck in some shithole airport over in some war-torn country, while my wife lay in a hospital bed in pain, dying, when I should have been with her. To hold her and comfort her. It was more important for me not to deal with how I felt and to be on a mission than to be with my family. Instead, because I didn’t want to face the truth, my wife died alone instead of with me by her side. The guilt I felt over that almost fucking killed me. It took me years to let it go. So, believe me when I say I fucking get it.”
I fought back the tears as he looked at me and shook his head. I didn’t know what had really happened with his wife’s sickness. Through all his letters, he had made it sound as if he’d been there for her when, in reality, he hadn’t, and because of that, he too blamed himself.
“This may sound cruel as fuck, so I’ll apologize now. I spent the better part of the last fifteen years living in hell because I couldn’t forgive myself for not being able to accept the truth. I lost all those years, but you have a chance to not do the same thing I did. It’s time you realize you aren’t the one who died in that accident. Just like I had to learn to forgive myself for not being able to accept the fact I lost my wife.”
He pulled the door open and took off down the stairs to his truck while I stood there. When I heard the engine start and saw him pull out of the driveway, I ran over and slammed the door shut. I was angry because everything he’d said had been true. He wasn’t playing; I knew that. I also knew I had been treating myself as if I’d been dead for years. I’d allowed the guilt from that night to consume me. I’d held onto it to punish myself, and I was using it once again to avoid the possibility of a new relationship with a wonderful man. The problem was, I’d held it for so that I didn’t know how to let it go.
* * *
“You are really quiet today. Everything okay?” Trinity asked for the third time as we drove out to the retirement home to visit Vi.
I’d contemplated not going. I’d spent half the morning picking up the phone, dialing Trinity’s number, then hanging up before it rang. I’d even called in and told the girls I wouldn’t be in the store. The last thing I felt like doing was going to visit Vi and Jed and being upbeat.
“It’s nothing,” I mumbled.
“Peggy, you haven’t said a word since you got in the car. You didn’t even congratulate me on selling almost all those old books I found in that sale I had.”
“When did you do that?” I questioned, completely distraught.
“I just told you. The sale ended yesterday.”
“Oh,” I mumbled as I looked out the window as we drove down the country road. “I must have forgotten.”
“Peggy, what is going on?”
I was so focused on my own thoughts, I didn’t hear Trinity ask that question. In fact, I didn’t hear her the second or third time she asked me either. Finally, I noticed when she slammed on the brakes and sent me flying against my seatbelt.
“What are you doing?” I yelled, completely startled at the fact that nothing was in front of the car to make her stop like that.
“I’m getting your attention. Now, before we go any further, tell me what is going on?”
I looked over at my friend, and that was when the tears began pouring down my cheeks. Instantly, Trinity pulled the car over to the side of the road and, once the car was safely in park, she leaned over and pulled me in for a hug.
“What happened?” she asked.
“I don’t know how we got to this point,” I cried.
“What point? Who?”
“Ethan and I. He spent the night last night and we…and this morning he…” I sobbed, not making any sense.
“You what? He what?” Trinity questioned.
“We slept together…and this morning he asked me to move in with him. I’m not ready, Trinity. I can’t.” I looked at my friend through tear-filled eyes.
“What? You slept together…as in…”
I met her eyes and nodded. “It was so wonderful,” I sniffled. “Unlike anything I’ve ever had.”
“I knew you two were getting serious.” She said in a low voice, her thumb tapping on the steering wheel.
“We did, we were…and then he asked me to move in.”
“And?”
“When I told him I wasn’t ready, he ended things. Told me when I was ready, really ready, to come to him, and if he were free, he’d consider talking things through. He told me his heart couldn’t take these games.”
“What games Peggy?” Trinity questioned, more lost than I was in this moment.
