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“Vic,” Emil said after an eternity of silence.
“Mm.”
“You have to go. You don’t give your heart away easily. And if you were anyone else, I’d laugh in your face for being this gone over a man you’ve known long enough to measure in hours…but this isyou.”
Victor wasn’t quite sure what that meant. “I’m not—”
“You are,” Emil said. “Whatever you think you’re not, I promise you, you are.”
Victor let out another trembling breath and was horrified to feel his eyes go hot, though he wasn’t crying. He wasn’t sure he could. “This could ruin me.”
“This could hurt you. Maybe worse than you’ve ever been hurt. But nothing can ruin you. You’re too strong for that, and you deserve to take a few risks.” Emil let out a slow breath. “People have let you down your whole life. But it sounds to me—if this guy’s reaching out—maybe he’s worth a shot. How many people have come back to you? How many have tried?”
“You did,” Victor said.
The silence on Emil’s end was so heavy Victor could feel the weight like a physical thing. “I don’t know what to say.”
“You’ve said enough,” Victor told him. It was in that moment he was profoundly aware that no matter how much work Emil had to do to regain Victor’s trust, he was on the path. “I think I’m going to go. I think I just needed someone to tell me it was alright to feel this way.”
“It’s alright,” Emil said in a rush. “Victor, it’s alright.”
He rubbed the back of his neck, feeling the tension there. His whole body felt stiff with it, and he knew he was going to regret everything in the morning, but it didn’t matter. “Don’t wait for me.”
“What?”
Victor opened his eyes and sat forward. “For Rhode Island. I don’t know where I’m going to end up, so don’t wait for me.”
“Ah. Yeah, I figured as much,” Emil said. “I was already making plans.”
Victor decided not to tell him he’d all but made the decision to follow Emil to the East Coast because that didn’t seem fair now. “I’ll be out to see you as soon as I can. I promise.”
He could hear the smile in Emil’s voice when he said, “Hopefully not too soon. Hopefully, for the next few months, you and this man are so wrapped up in each other the only things you two see are yourselves, and maybe God a few times too.”
Victor laughed as he hung up, but the humor quickly turned into something else. It was an uncomfortable emotion he wasn’t used to—one he didn’t want to get used to. It squirmed at the very top of his gut, pressing into his lungs, making it hard to breathe.
Walking back inside was a struggle, and his legs were uncooperative when he undressed and finally lay on his back, staring up at the ceiling. He debated for long moments whether or not to reply to Oliver, but in the end, he decided booking a ticket was easier.
He’d show up, and he’d watch Oliver cross the stage and smile and look as perfect as he ever did. And in that moment, he’d decide. It was worth it to go—he just needed to see Oliver again to decide if it was worth it to try and stay.
Chapter20
“Shots, shots, shots!”
Oliver grinned in spite of his loud groan, and he shook his head, pushing the tray away. “Babe. Thanks to stress, I haven’t eaten in, like, four days. If I even breathe near those things, I’m going to die of alcohol poisoning.”
Kelsi grinned at him, taking one of the small glasses between her fingers, wrapping her other arm around Oliver. She downed the shot, then turned and kissed him on the mouth. “Sharing is caring.”
He rolled his eyes as he swiped his hand over his lips. “Disgusting. You’re like my sister.”
“You had to make it weird,” she said, then turned her head and winked at the guy behind the bar who was, according to her, an almost boyfriend. Which was why they were getting cheap shots, even if Oliver was too goddamn tired to actually drink for his celebration.
Graduation was the next evening, and after his long talk with Kelsi and allowing her to gently but firmly shove him back into his little friend circle, life had gotten a bit more normal. It wasn’t less painful with the Victor-shaped hole that he could never fill, but he felt less alone.
And when he told Kelsi what happened over that week and why he’d all but shut down, her anger had settled into a low simmer, and she shoved him onto her couch and cuddled him until he cracked and allowed himself to cry. It was exactly what he’d needed to get on with his life.
Except…he hadn’t really gotten on with it. He’d tried dating, but nothing got past a first dinner or a cup of coffee. He found himself comparing every smile, every word, every laugh to the man he’d let go. He’d lie in his bed at night, jerking off to the memories he had of Victor’s body, then stare at Victor’s name in his phone until he passed out.
Rinse and repeat. For seven long months.
