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He has an old lady. I distinctly remember asking him if he had someone back home and he promised me he didn’t. I know how it feels to find out the man you believe to be yours is actually fucking another woman and I vowed a long time ago that I would never be that woman.
There’s a knock on my door. Drawing the duvet up and over my head, I ignore it. I have no energy to talk to anyone. I wouldn’t even know where to start. The door creaks open, and Evie lets herself in. I know it’s her, if it was my brother, he wouldn’t have knocked in the first place. He hasn’t over the last few days anyhow.
“Lex,” she says softly. “I know you’re awake under there.”
Peeking out from under the covers, she’s setting a tray on my nightstand, and the smell of soup wafts under my nose.
“You need to eat. I respect that you don’t want to talk but it’s been a few days since you ate with us, and I’m worried about you.”
She’s sweet. I saw that about her in the first two minutes of spending time with her. Bearing in mind she was scared shitless at the time, but you know what someone’s about almost instantly unless they’re a master of hiding their true personality, like Manik. Evie was the only woman I came across who truly didn’t belong behind bars. The judge should never have given her a custodial sentence. She should’ve gotten a fine and maybe community service.
“It’s nice out today, why don’t you eat the lunch I made, and then we’ll take the kids to the park?”
I have no energy to speak to her. I wish I did, but I don’t. She leans over the bed and sweeps the wisps of hair away from my face.
“Don’t let that wanker bring you down.”
It’s not just Manik, that shit I should’ve seen coming. I’m tired. So fucking tired of everything. Out of nowhere, my mind darkened, and I haven’t been able to pull myself out of it since.
She leaves me and I roll over to face the wall. Sometimes it’s like being locked up again. I’d lie on my bunk and face the wall, to me it could’ve been any wall, anywhere in the world. Only when I rolled over and saw where I was, my fantasy’s vanished.
Time drifts by slowly and the room grows darker. Rosie cries and Tommy runs up and down the stairs playing with his toys and wanting to know what’s for dinner. I hear Louis yell for him to be careful and then Evie yells that dinner’s ready. I spent years living on the outside, not wanting to be seen so I wouldn’t bear the brunt of my father’s hot temper. I was pushed out farther by Matt and Beth when they betrayed me. A small voice in the back of my mind reassures me I’m not on the outside here, but the louder and more dominant voice sneers, I’ll always be on the outside.
The door opens and Louis walks in. He doesn’t speak, he doesn’t point out I didn’t eat Evie’s lunch. He sits on the floor, his back to the bed, and sits in silence. His presence soothes me and reminds me of the old days. When I was a kid and I’d slip under the dark fog, he’d sit with me and just know what to do. Eventually, I snake my hand out from under the duvet and tug on the wisps of hair around the back of his head. This is the longest I’ve seen his hair in years. I bet Evie likes it and he keeps it this way for her. She’s the only one he’d make any type of changes for.
Clearing my throat, I say, “I got sucked in again and all I could do was walk away.”
Keeping his eyes forward, he says, “This wasn’t your fault. He should’ve been upfront with you. You did right walking away… it’s not a weakness, Lex. It’s a strength.”
“When was the last time you walked away?”
“I haven’t just spent ten years banged up. It’s different.”
I don’t even know why Manik’s ex showing up is affecting me so much. I kept telling myself it was just sex between us, so I shouldn’t be this bothered. But yet again, it was me who chose to believe his sincerity when I should’ve known better. It always comes back to me and the choices I make.
“You’re the only man in my life who’s never lied to me. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
Half turning to face me, he promises, “You’ll never have to find out.”
Tucking my arm back under the covers, I will myself to find the energy to show him I’m going to be okay. I don’t want him worrying about me anymore.
“In all the world, how many adults do you think are fucked up because of their childhoods?” I ask him.
“I’d say a good ninety-nine percent. Why do you ask?”
“When I was locked up, they made me sit with the shrink once a week. It took four years before I took it seriously. Once I started talking, it spilled out of me like word vomit. We always knew our lives weren’t normal but hearing someone tell me so and even feel pity for me, it made me feel like a victim.”
“That’s what we were, Lex. What Dad did to us, it was abuse. We were abused. I learned to admit it a long time ago. It wasn’t normal. It wasn’t.”
I muster enough energy to smile. “You have normality now.”
He snorts. “Only because of my wife. I didn’t tell you before but shortly after we got married, I had these nightmares where I’d be beating on Evie, and Tommy would be huddled in the corner crying. There’d be blood everywhere and I couldn’t stop. Sometimes, Evie would beg me to stop, and I would just beat her harder. They went on for months.”
“Sounds like you were worried about being a husband and a dad.”
“I was. But I never doubted that I’d hurt her or Tommy when I was awake. When Rosie came along, I vowed she’d never feel an ounce of hurt, by me, or anyone. I wake up each morning and sometimes I worry it’s all been a dream.”
“I get it.” Leaning up on my elbow, I say, “I journaled every day in prison. The other night I wanted my own laptop because I’m going to write a book.”
