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The table is set and from what I can smell wafting from the kitchen, the dinner isn’t burning. After speaking with Colin, I went to the supermarket like normal people. I walked up and down the aisle collecting the ingredients to make Vincent a dinner to come home to. All very domestically normal. The clock ticks over to eight-twenty p.m. and the front door opens. My heart races at the sight of him walking in. His smile grows when he sees the table set and I make it clear, “This doesn’t mean I’ll cook every day. I’m not going to be your live-in chef.”
Laughing, he tells me, “I hear ya.”
He slips outs of his boots and goes for a quick shower while I dish up. He joins me at the table, and I open his beer. He takes a long pull and I take a deep breath.
“It’s time we have our talk.”
Relief washes over him. “Good. I…”
“Let me start,” I cut in and he nods. “First, I want to thank you for being there for me over the last few weeks. You’ve shown me that I can depend on you, even when I’m not acting straight. You didn’t go anywhere or lose your shit with me.”
“I’m not the guy you’re used to, I told you I’d prove it.”
“And you have. I went to see the guy who attacked me today.” I pause.
I give him his dues, he’s fighting the urge to jump out of his chair and lose his shit.
“Please continue, Lex, I really wanna hear this.”
“I won’t ever tell you or my brother who it was unless they come for me again and I made that clear to him. I can’t move forward with you or my life if blood and death are always around me. What I did ten years ago isn’t going to haunt me, but more violence would. I wasn’t ready to meet you but I’m glad I did. I need you to know that I support the club, they’re family to me, but there are a few things I won’t put up with. You don’t treat me like I’m some doormat you can lie to, cheat on, or treat like shit. Because if you do, I won’t act out again, I’ll just leave and there won’t be any second chances.” Taking a deep breath, I add, “But saying that… I’ve fallen in love with you, and I want to build a life with you.”
The anger from my whereabouts today disappears and his grin is infectious. I smile too.
“I’ve been waiting weeks to hear those words come out your mouth.”
“I had to be ready.”
“I know, and know that I love you, too. We’re going to have a fucking good life and I’ll treat you right, you’ll see.”
“I’ll hold you to that.”
He pushes out of his chair and rounds the table, a predator readying to pounce on its prey. With Vincent, there are no barriers, no pretences of what life should be like. It took thirty-six years to have what I dreamed of since I was old enough to dream. I know what I’m capable of, but I know who I am now and what I want. I know life won’t always be happiness and joy but I’m learning real quick how to pass through it. I don’t need anyone to make me happy, but having Vincent is a bonus and one I want to keep forever. The old chapter has finally been put to rest and now the next chapter begins.
Epilogue
Lexi
The sky is grey and brooding and matches my mood this morning. Not because of Vincent or anyone else but my father. I’ve put off visiting his grave since my release but now I’m starting fresh. I need to get this out of the way and put it in the past like every other bad thing that’s happened to me. I’m no longer a victim of an abusive childhood and he needs to hear it.
“I finally see you and understand why you couldn’t love us. It wasn’t because me and Louis were unlovable, it was because you hated yourself. Therefore, you didn’t know love or how to love.” I pick at the blades of grass and let the tears fall. It’s not weakness to cry like he used to say. “I thought I’d only have my brother’s love, that I was only good enough for that because he had to love me being my brother. Yet, I always chased love, I needed it, I craved it, and I took whatever I could get. When I tried reconnecting with you, I needed you to realise how wrong you were and that maybe I was lovable after all, but you only came to visit me because I made sure you got what you needed on the outside. I met Vincent and he loves me the way I’ve always wanted. When I’m down, he’s there. When I’m hurt, he’s there. I see now, love isn’t all unicorns and smiles. It’s the connection between two people that binds them together in the good times and the bad. I don’t blame Mum for leaving us, you treated her like shit. I just hate she didn’t take us with her. I have love, I have a family, and because of you, I’m leaving hate behind. I feel sorry for you in a lot of ways. Your life meant nothing. You won’t ever be missed, no one will cry when a memory of you surfaces. You were nothing, in life and in death.”
Yanking on the grass, I clench my hand and inhale as deeply as I can.
“I’m real close to releasing a book. I’m hoping it will help other women like me because of bastard men like you. I’m going to thrive in spite of you and it’s going to be freeing in ways that’ll make my life mean something. When I die, people will miss me, they’ll cry for me. When my day comes, I’ll have left something positive and beautiful in the world. Between me and Louis, we’ll make sure to paint over the stain that was you.”
Having said what I came to say, I take a deep breath and walk away. Like I should’ve done when he first asked to visit me in prison. It’s a short walk to the club from the graveyard and as I approach the club, Vincent is waiting for me. Leaning against the gate with his foot kicked up and smoking a cigarette. After letting go of all my insecurities and my childhood, life with Vincent is what I’ve always craved. I have someone who loves me, who not only tells me so but shows me in every way when he touches me, watches out for me, and most days I still don’t believe it’s real. I deserve this, I deserve him. And I’m not going to let the snidey voice in the back of my head fuck it up.
“Hey,” he murmurs, flicking his cigarette across the road and pushing away from the wall to meet me.
“Hey.”
“You feel better for having gone to your dad’s grave?” he asks, pulling me against him.
“I do, actually. He’s firmly in the past, he’s not going to mess up my life any further.”
“I love you so much, and I’m so proud of you.”
Proud? Vincent is the first person to ever say that to me and it’s too much.
