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“Maybe? Or maybe we only need to be compatible for each other right now.” I could feel the desperation in my voice. The desire to take the words back and reframe them. But there are certain things that can’t be unsaid. And the problem with stating such things as clearly and succinctly as I did was that there was no room for misinterpretation or the possibility of me saying that it wasn’t what I meant.
The truth was right out there in the open, naked and impossible to ignore.
And were those tears forming in her eyes? She was fighting them pretty hard, but they were there, aching to come out. I felt like shit.
“I think,” she said, “that I’m not really looking for a ‘just right now’ kind of thing.”
It was strange to have this conversation out in the open, underneath the bright Los Angeles sun. It was a beautiful day, not a cloud in the sky, 75 degrees, the perfect weather that Southern California was known for. And, yet, inside my head, it was gloomy and hopeless.
As we continued walking down the road, making our way through the crosswalk, Bagel was blissfully ignorant, wagging her tail and investigating every little thing to her heart’s content. I envied her, not having to worry about the future and just being able to live in the moment, appreciating what was going on in the present.
There was a part of me that had hope that maybe I’d be able to instantly bounce back. The truth was that I liked Mila quite a bit and wanted to know her better. By nature, I was a cautious person and tended to tread lightly into deep waters. I wasn’t one to run away from commitment — hell, I’d even embrace it, which is probably why I ended up staying with Hannah so long — but I’d been disappointed enough times in life to know that hope deserves to be treated with kid gloves, because it was a very fragile indeed.
“Bagel’s been inside all day and needs to go a bit further,” I said. “Why don’t you head back?”
Mila looked at me, unsure of what to say, but I figured she was smart enough to read between the lines that I didn’t want to talk about this anymore. She nodded.
“See you later, then.”
I took Bagel on a long walk, during which I reminded myself that this was a bad idea from the start. It was unethical, and the sooner we put an end to it, the better. With the cards all out on the table like that — I didn’t want kids, and she didn’t want anything casual — it was clear that this would only end in heartbreak for the both of us unless we called it off as soon as possible.
By the time we got back to the apartment, Bagel had picked up on my mood and tried consoling me by cuddling up next to me on the bed. I closed my eyes and drifted off, only to be woken by a phone call. The caller ID said “Hannah Donner,” so I immediately canceled the call. She was the last person I needed to talk to. A few seconds later, I got an alert about a voicemail and, shortly after that, a text message from her.
We need to talk.
Too bad. I wasn’t in the mood to talk. I turned the phone off and put it on the floor. The rest of the night would just be me being angry with myself and Bagel trying to convince me out of it.
What a good girl.
CHAPTER13
***MILA***
“Your name and date of birth?”
He knew my name, but he was just following procedure.
I told him anyway. It was a failsafe check to ensure that they were giving me back the correct embryo. After Leo ensured that my name and birthday matched what was on the vial, he instructed me to lie back on my back.
“Is this going to hurt?” I asked. It had been so long since the last time I’d tried that I’d forgotten. It must not have been too bad, I guess.
“Possibly,” he said, “but nothing worse than a standard gynecological visit.” Ever the professional, he gave me a clear answer, even though I’d hurt him the other day. Not that I’d done anything wrong, of course.
“It’ll be easier for us if you can relax,” he continued. “We can provide a light muscle relaxant if you’d like.”
“What do you think?” I asked.
Leo looked over at the embryologist and back at me. “It won’t hurt, and it’ll probably help.”
I imagined there was some ethical boundary he didn’t want to push and that’s why he wasn’t recommending it directly, but he was doing everything but that. “Okay,” I said.
“Nurse?” Leo asked.
A pretty young nurse with a pleasant smile said, “Yes, doctor,” before leaving the room and coming back almost immediately with a paper cup of water and two small pills.
“Here you go, dear,” she said.
I took the pills and leaned back.
