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I didn’t know.
Oh, Jake.
“But sometimes I think he looks down and still sees her there. He sees the long minutes he tried to save her while he waited for the ambulance. He sees his darkest day.
“He tore himself inside out for years. I watched him change. I watched him lose himself. I watched him struggle with decisions she made but loved her anyway. I watched him work himself to the bone just for the distraction. And I watched him come back from the depths of hell. All the while, hiding it and smiling when he looked at his son. I got used to seeing his smiles. The ones for his family, the ones for his son, the ones that were lonely, the ones that were too caught up in the memories, the ones that were so forced and fake, it broke my heart because it would kill her all over again to see it.
“He lost his wedding ring on this beach, and I thought he was going to look under every grain of sand.” Her lips curl up. “I think Jess might have just given him a little push because if she was here, she’d say, ‘Jesus, take it off and get on with it.’” Her laugh is nostalgic.
My eyes are stinging and I’m holding my breath when she finally looks at me. “Every night, after I pray for the impossible. After I pray to feel my girl in my arms one last time, I pray for his heart. I pray to see a different smile. One that’s familiar, but one I haven’t seen in a long time.” She takes my hand. It’s warm and my defenses fail me as tears fall freely. I don’t wipe them away. It’s no use. “Honey, I’ve prayed for you.” She tips her head toward Jake again. “That’s the look I’ve been waiting for. And it’s been so long coming.”
My tongue is stuck to the roof of my mouth. My chin quivers, making it impossible to speak any words of sense. But she doesn’t need them. She simply squeezes her hand around mine.
“So, when he holds you so tight you can’t breathe, there’s a reason for it. When he watches your every move, there’s a reason for it. Because he knows what it’s like to lose.
“He told me you want to leave next week, and where you go from there is up to both of you to decide. I wanted to tell you what I’ve seen, and what I see now because he’ll fight with the past, and the guilt of wanting a future, but don’t give up on him.”
I’m not supposed to get an after. It was always only her.
I didn’t account for you.
He’s going to tease me for crying again, but my heart can’t take it.
I put my glass down and scrub my hands over my face, sobbing while trying to laugh to ease the tension in my chest.
Her maternal instinct takes over, and she wraps her arms around my shoulders.
“Thank you, Claire. Thank you for making him smile again.”
I might not know where we go after next week, but I have him for now.
Today, it’s enough.
Jay-Jay comes running up the steps, and I fail miserably to hide what must be blotchy skin around my eyes. Ignoring my emotional state, he sits on the step and rests his head on my shoulder as he yawns.
I hiccup for good measure. “You okay, handsome?”
“Ava isn’t talking to me.”
“Why?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know. Dad said I might never know.”
That’s terrible advice.
Rose squeezes my shoulder as Jake comes up the steps.
He stops when he sees me. “Jesus, what now? Did you see a dolphin?”
I want to laugh, but looking at him after everything Rose said, I burst into another sob.
I want to throw myself in his arms and never let go.
Pull yourself together, Claire.
I gulp a long drink of wine and sniffle. “I’m fine.”
He bends, so he’s eye level with me.
