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"Or played rummy in the middle of the night because you had a bad dream, and I just couldn't sleep," she said with a chuckle. "I love all you kids, but we have a connection."
"It's okay," I said, turning my head to look at her. "You can say it. I'm your favorite. I won't tell a soul."
She laughed and shook her head. We sat there for several minutes in the quiet, watching the sky lighten more and more. Finally, she turned to me and took a deep breath. "Tell her how you feel."
"What?" I asked, looking over at her.
She smiled. "Look, I'm not stupid. I know that when you brought Amber here, there was more going on than you bringing some girl you were dating for a visit. I don't know what it was, but I don't need to know. One thing I do know, without a doubt, is that she cared very much for you and that you felt the same way toward her. There's no faking that. There were no cameras or fancy rose gardens here. There was no one here you needed to convince of anything. The way you looked at her, cared for her, I knew it right away."
"She doesn't want to be together," I said, looking back out at the water. "After the attack, she had enough. She wasn't going to continue fighting for something that wasn't meant to be. She was put in harm's way, and she has a lot going on. The girl deserves more than that."
"Bullshit," my mother said, surprising me with her language.
"That's only the third time I've ever heard you cuss," I chuckled.
She waved her hand at me. "Please. You're a grown-up. Not a child anymore. But that girl loves you. I don't care about your past, her past, or what brought you two together, but she loves you. She might have been scared, overwhelmed, or just as stubborn as you, but she loves you. She pushed you away because that was her defense mechanism. But you need to fight for her. Don't let her be you."
"Ouch," I laughed.
My mother reached over and took my hand. "I love you, son, but after the tragedy in high school, you shut down. You pushed everyone in your life to arm's length. I know why, and I don't blame you, but when you were here last time, I barely recognized you. You were not just physically here. You were mentally and emotionally here too, and your brothers and sisters recognized it. They saw it too. And it's because of Amber. She deserves a lot, yes, but so do you."
I let out a deep sigh and leaned back. "I just don't know how to fix things, if they can even be fixed."
My mother chuckled, sipping her coffee. "You are a problem solver. You always have been. You aren't quite there yet, willing to open yourself up to the possibility of a future of happiness. Still, when you do and give in, you'll know exactly what you need to do. Just don't wait for too long. While you're over here contemplating if she loves you, she's doing the same. Eventually, she'll come to her own decision. And a woman's heart is tricky. When it's open to you, she'll give you all of it. But once it's closed, trying to pry it open again is nearly impossible."
My mother took her coffee cup, and my empty one, kissed me on the top of the head, and walked toward the door. "If you want breakfast, I'll be cooking it for your father in an hour. Otherwise, I'll tell him you stopped by. I'm here if you need me, but I think you've got this one on your own this time."
I chuckled, shaking my head. My mother always knew me all too well. She knew me better than I knew myself most days. She probably knew exactly what I needed to do to make a choice about Amber or to break the fear and tell her how I felt, but she wasn't going to give me that answer. It would never work unless I figured it out myself. But even though I knew all those things, the power to close off was so strong. I had been ruled by it since I was 17 years old. It was a raging voice in the back of my head, and I hated that I couldn't just break myself of it.
Or maybe I could. Perhaps I could, and I just chose not to because I was scared. Whatever the reason, as much as I wanted to leave my parent's house with a plan and a decision, I was still holding back. I grabbed my helmet and headed out, making my way back to the city. I headed to the condo and grabbed a shower, making a pot of coffee. I had been out all night, and Sunday seemed to have crept up on me without realizing it.
My phone buzzed in my pocket, and I pulled it out. It was Daniel.
Hey bro, just checking on you. Came by, but you weren't home.
Daniel always worried about me.
Needed to get out of town. Rode the bike most of the night and ended up at my parents' house at breakfast. I'm home now.
Everything okay?
Everything's fine. Just trying to get my head straight.
Sicily said to invite you for dinner on Wednesday.
I smiled, knowing they were just trying to keep my spirits up.
Alright. Sounds good. What time?
The other guys are getting here around four.
I'll be there.
I hung up the phone and put it on the charger. I hadn't seen the guys in weeks, and I knew they would if I didn't show up. The last thing I needed was them bombarding me at home. I needed to just get through things and figure it out, and I knew my head would be straight. But, I needed to focus on the case too. I had sworn to myself I wouldn't give up until I found the sonofabitch who had turned not just my life upside down but Amber's, Daniel's, and Sicily's. Things felt like they were getting more intense, and I feared that the next time he showed his masked face, one of us wouldn't survive it.
The heaviness of my thoughts was overwhelming. In the back of my mind, I knew all I wanted was Amber. I just didn't know if I could ever tell her that again. I didn't know if I could ever tell myself.
Chapter Twenty-One
