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Tears pulled at the corners of my eyes, and my breathing increased, my body making every attempt to hold back the flood. "Maybe he just figured it would save money and add to the romance of the story with the media."
Sicily closed the box. "Or maybe you stole his heart before he even realized it."
"I wonder why he didn't tell me about that," I said. "He didn't even ask for it back."
Sicily shrugged, putting it in her purse. "Because once you steal someone's heart, I guess no one else can ever have it."
I stared at the floor for several minutes before shaking my head. "That all sounds good and romantic, but that's not my life. I have the worst luck in the world. I don't get romantic or all squishy over a fairy tale. Instead, I get knifed and duct taped in a closet. I'm sure there's a good explanation for it all."
Sicily leaned forward. "You can fool everyone around you. But you can't fool me. So why don't you reach out to him? Just have a conversation… I dare you to do it.”
I shook my head, hugging the throw pillow to my chest. “I know what you are trying to do. You’re pushing my buttons to goad me, and any other time it might work. But, honestly, Sicily, there's no point. It's done with. I was kind of mean when I broke things off. I basically told him I was relieved to not have to act anymore. I pulled the whole, yelled at the dog, and threw something at it so it'll run away. He didn't put up much of a fight either. Maybe he's relieved like he should be. He has enough to worry about with some psycho coming after him. He doesn't need to babysit me. I ended up being the target, which only put him at more risk. We're both safer if we just move on. Forget it ever happened and go back to our lives. At least then, all he has to look out for is himself."
Sicily shook her head and stood up. "You really are dense sometimes. You know that? But I won't keep pushing you. Just know that Ryder is not happier. He has not moved on. Daniel said he's miserable but trying to cover it up just like you are. Believe it or not, you two are much more alike than you realize. You two are like stubborn soulmates or something. Only you'll never know because you're both too pigheaded, no pun intended, to realize it."
"Sicily," I said, exhausted. "Tell me how you really feel."
She walked over and kissed me on the top of my head. "I love you, bestie. I want the best for you. But I can't force you to stop torturing yourself. I'm only a call away, so if anything happens, anything at all, call me right away. And if you need help, don't let your pride get in the way. I don't need to find out you fell down the steps. Call me."
"I will," I groaned. "Besides, I have four enormous bodyguards outside at all times. If I need help, one of them can pick me up with one hand and carry me."
Sicily chuckled. "Truth. They are definitely protection."
I waved at Sicily as she headed out, hobbling over to the alarm and setting it. I didn't put the motion detectors on, though, not wanting the guys to accidentally set them off and scare the shit out of me. Or I forget their on in the middle of the night and hobble around, setting them off. I wasn't used to that much security, but the cameras made me feel a little better.
The real issue was the way that Sicily's words were reverberating through my head over and over again. I couldn't shake them no matter how hard I tried. Maybe she was right. Maybe all I wanted in the whole world was Ryder on the couch with me, wrapping his big arms around me, but I didn't have that. And I was far too afraid to reach out to him and find out that he was truly relieved to be done with me. I'd rather endure the heartache I gave myself than make it worse.
I rubbed my thumb against the indentation where the engagement ring had been. I felt naked without it, and it hadn't even been that long since I got it. The fact that it was a family heirloom made it even worse. Ryder wasn't poor. He could have bought any ring he wanted for the engagement. I knew Ryder wasn't lazy either, not after the effort he put into planning that whole thing. He had given me that ring for a reason, but I had to come to terms with the fact that it wasn't ever meant for me.
Chapter Twenty
Ryder
3 Weeks Later
Three weeks later and I thought for sure I would start feeling better. I had girlfriends in the past and had broken up, and I always felt better the more time passed. But Amber was different. Technically, she wasn't ever my real girlfriend, but what I had felt with her and for her was more accurate than anything I had thought as an adult. I mourned her, even though she was still alive and well. But to me, it was like she was gone entirely. There had been more than a couple of nights that I had to fight myself from calling Amber or texting her.
When Daniel delivered my ring back to me, it struck me very hard. I wasn't sure why that had done it, but it had sent me spiraling down into the walled-up, grumpy asshole I was before. Only now, I barely even went out with the guys or talked to anyone when I wasn't at work. Weekends had become my most hated time. Too much freedom on my hands, and my headspace just wouldn't clear.
That Saturday, I had enough of the silence of my now cleaned-up and refurbished condo. I didn't even like to be there and had hired a contractor to redo the floors and close up the closet I had found Amber tied up in. So, I grabbed my jacket, threw on my boots and gloves, and headed out for a ride on my bike. The seasons were changing, and though Cali weather was always pleasant, it was chillier than the hot summer, especially when I rode the coast. The ocean winds were almost cold.
The more I rode that Saturday, the more I wanted to keep going. I wanted to just take off, head somewhere far off and start over. I knew that wouldn't solve anything, though. Not only would it not get rid of my thoughts, but I knew the guys would hunt me down just like they had done Daniel when he went into super destructive mode. Still, the thoughts helped lessen the heavy burden on my heart a bit. At least while the wheels turned and the road was in front of me.
I stayed out all day, heading down the coastal highway with no destination in mind. I stopped and had some food at a fisherman's bar along the coast, stopped for gas, and took breaks at different lookout spots along the way. But I was happier with the wind blowing over my leather jacket and the distance expanding between me and the issues I faced back in San Diego. So I rode in one direction until late in the evening, stopping for coffee and a warmup before heading back the other way.
Around five in the morning, I made it to my parent's house. I knew they wouldn't be awake on a Saturday at that time, but sitting on the porch, watching the waves break, sounded pretty good to me. So, I headed in that direction, turning off my bike down the block from them and pushing it up to their house, so I didn't wake them. My mother was a light sleeper. She had to be with all of us kids. I knew that hadn't changed.
I parked the bike in the driveway and walked around back, climbing up on the porch. I grabbed a lawn chair and set up, looking out over the waves. The salty air and low glow of the sun slowly making its way toward the horizon felt like home to me. I hadn't grown up in that house, but I had spent many years sitting on that porch, thinking, contemplating, and planning for the future. Sometimes I even sat there trying to forget the past. It had been several years, though, since I had done it.
After about an hour, I heard the sliding glass door open behind me. I smiled, knowing full well it was my mother. She walked out and sat next to me, handing me a hot cup of coffee. I glanced over at her. "Was I too loud?"
She shook her head. "Nope, didn't hear you at all. But I woke up and knew you were here. I could feel it."
I chuckled, looking out at the water. "You always know."
She smirked. "Yeah, but I see things from a very unique perspective. I see them from an outsider who knows you so very well. You were my first, and we spent a lot of time together before the others came. Just me and you, waiting on your dad to get home, living life."
I couldn't help but smile, remembering the times before my brothers and sister were born. I was tiny, but they were special times. "When we used to have dance parties when there were thunderstorms."
