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"You're taking the job?"
"I—" My voice broke before I could say anything else. My stomach twisted tighter, and a cold sweat broke out across my forehead. "If I choose the retreat, I'll always wonder what if, you know? But Eli—"
"You love him," she repeated, and I nodded. Tears filled my eyes, and she wrapped her arm around my shoulders, pulling me to her. "You're making the right choice."
"You really think so?" I whispered, and she nodded, her head sliding against mine. "I need to call her."
"I'll give you a sec," she said, pressing her lips to my temple. "Maybe Dad will make us some more food." She grinned as she slid from the bed.
"He's done so much," I weakly said, reaching to the side table to grab my phone.
"You know he loves cooking." She waved dismissively as she opened the door. As she slipped into the hall, I stared down at my phone, ignoring the messages from Eli as I brought up Lorelai's name.
More anxiety twisted my stomach. Was I really making the right choice? Years of hard work, of hoping and dreaming of fully working for Lotus, not just being a helper or volunteer, was finally here. It was in my lap. All I needed to do was say yes.
But leaving Eli? I couldn't. I didn't want to even imagine it.
My stomach rolled again, and instead of just anxiety, nausea hit me. Fuck. I jumped from the bed and raced from the room, across the hall to the bathroom. I slammed to the cold tiles, sliding across the floor just as I gagged.
I dry-heaved into the toilet, groaning and gagging every time I tried to take a breath. Lily raced into the room, her eyes wide.
"Rae," she breathed. I waved at her, trying to get her to leave.
"I'm fine—" I finally threw up, my stomach tightening painfully.
"Shit." Kneeling beside me, she gathered my hair in one hand, the other rubbing soothing circles on my back. "You're okay. You're okay, Rae."
I threw up again, my eyes straining and watering with every heave. Finally, I slumped to the side, leaning against the cold, hard bathtub. She continued rubbing her hand in circles as she handed me a towel and flushed.
My eyes fluttered closed as I rested my head against the tub. "You've been throwing up a lot," she said hesitantly.
"Probably all the stress," I muttered. When she didn't say anything, I cracked an eye open to look at her. "What?"
"Were you safe?" she whispered. I blinked at her.
Safe.
No.
We were a lot of things, but protected hadn't been one. And every time we slept together, he'd come inside me. After the first day and my initial panic, thinking I needed The Pill, I'd forgotten all about it. It had been hot, and we'd been so into it I hadn't thought about—
"Could you be pregnant?" she asked, her hand still sliding in circles on my back. Tears filled my eyes.
"Fuck," I breathed. I banged my hand on the tile beside me as a sob ripped from my throat. "Fuck!"
He wanted me, maybe. But he didn't want me and a baby.
"It's okay," she said quickly. She rushed to the cabinet and opened it, fishing out a pregnancy test. "Take this. It might be negative. Maybe you're right—it's just stress."
I wiped roughly at my face, knowing the truth as I grabbed the test from her.
29
elliot
I'd been a drunk,numb mess for the last two days. Every word I'd said to Reagan had echoed in my head, relentless and full of regret. They were suffocating me. I'd pushed her away when all I wanted was to hold her close.
But I couldn't fix what I'd ruined. With every unanswered text and call, it was becoming clearer—she didn't want me. I'd fucked things up beyond repair.
