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He looked so conflicted, it tore at my soul. Standing to my feet, I strode over to him and gathered him into my arms, leaning down to press my lips to his. “Go,” I murmured. “If I can’t handle it, I’ll call you. I swear I will.”
He sighed and burrowed his face in the curve of my neck, pressing his lips to the skin there. I shivered, clutching him tighter, not wanting to fucking let him go. But we were adults, and his responsibilities didn’t stop just because I was drowning in my own ocean.
I could survive these waves. He needed to be with the people that might not be able to survive real ones.
Reluctantly, he let me go, and I dropped my arms to my sides. “Swear you’ll call?” he asked.
I nodded. “On his grave,” I rasped, referring to Carl, knowing that would mean the most to him.
Xavier nodded and grabbed his bag from by the front door before slipping out. I walked back over to the couch and dropped down onto the cushions. “Can I help you?” I asked Colwyn, not turning to face him.
He sank down onto the other end of the couch. “Xavier needed to work, and I don’t think you need to be alone today.”
I scoffed. “I’m a grown fucking man, Colwyn. I don’t need a babysitter. I’m not your wife.” It was a low blow, and we both knew it. Raleigh was a little and regressed quite often, especially on stressful days. She was an amazing mother, but when Colwyn was around, she allowed him to take charge of everything. I thought it was a beautiful dynamic, but today, I felt like lashing out at someone, and Colwyn was the closest target.
“I’m only going to warn you once on this. The next time, I’ll knock your fucking teeth down your throat,” Colwyn warned me. “Watch what the fuck you say about my girl, you hear me?”
I sighed and leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees to scrub my hands over my face. “Fucking shit,” I muttered. “I’m sorry, brother. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me.”
Colwyn scoffed. “I do. You’re barely holding yourself together, Harlow. You’re hurting, so you’re lashing out at others to try to make yourself feel better. Which is why I’m here. Get dressed and put some shoes on.”
I turned my head in his direction, arching an eyebrow at him. “Where the fuck are we going?”
He stood to his feet. “To see Carl’s grave, Harlow.”
My face paled, and a bone-chilling coldness seeped into my skin. Vomit rose in my throat. “No,” I choked out. “I don’t know how the fuck you know his name or where he’s buried, butno.”
Colwyn gripped my upper arms and dragged me off the couch. I was too frozen, too fucking terrified of what Colwyn was suggesting, to fight him off as he dragged me through my house. “Yes, the fuck we are,” Colwyn told me, pushing me into my bedroom, and then he stood in the doorway, blocking my exit. “I will dress you myself, Harlow. Do not fucking test me. But running from him—from his ghost—is not going to help you, and Xavier fucking deserves better than this.”
I swallowed thickly, tasting vomit on the back of my tongue. I hated him for using Xavier against me. That man was my weak spot. “He can leave if he wants to,” I bitterly responded, knowing those words were hollow even as I spoke them. I would fucking crumble if I lost Xavier. I wouldn’t recover.
Colwyn gripped my chin, narrowing his eyes at me. “You want to be that fucking selfish?” he snapped down at me. “Because if that’s the case, go ahead and call him. Tell him you’re breaking up with him. At least be a decent fucking human being and end it before he gets any deeper with you and he ends up devastated and shattered because ofyou.”
Pain wrenched through my chest. Snarling, I ripped my chin from his grasp. I couldn’t go through with what he was suggesting, and we both knew it. Cursing, I clenched my fists at my sides. “Give me five minutes,” I muttered.
Colwyn left my room without another word. Silently, I stripped out of my pajamas and tugged on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. After washing my face and brushing my teeth, I snatched a hoodie out of my closet for the car ride. Once my sneakers were on my feet, I emerged from my room, grabbing my phone off the charger in the living room.
“Let’s go,” I muttered.
I was doing this for Xavier. Because Colwyn was right. He did deserve better.
The shit I did for that man should terrify me. But I couldn’t lose him, too.
I wouldn’t survive it.
* * *
I grippedthe fence post at the entrance of the cemetery, leaning over to empty my stomach. Colwyn placed his hand on my upper back, a silent show of support. Every part of me was struggling to walk through the fucking gates and down the path toward the back of the property, where Carl’s grave was.
My hands shook as I wiped the back of my hand over my mouth. Colwyn silently handed me a bottle of water, and I used it to rinse my mouth out before handing it back to him. Drawing in a deep breath, I forced one foot in front of the other, though my legs were trembling. Colwyn trailed behind me. Every once in a while, I stopped and sucked ragged breaths into my aching lungs. I felt like there wasn’t enough oxygen in the air, but I knew it was just me panicking.
By the time I made it to his plot, I felt like I’d been marching through the desert for days. My mouth was parched, so fucking dry, it was almost like I’d been sucking on cotton balls. My limbs ached. My lungs were screaming for air, and my temples were pounding with the worst headache I’d ever had.
But there it was, right in front of me. The headstone was clean, and flowers had been planted around it. Over where his casket was buried in the earth was fresh, green grass. Just how he loved.
God, he was always so excited to get out of the desert and get back home to grass and trees.
Slowly, I sank to my knees on top of his grave, my fingers reaching out to trace his name.
