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I thought us moving to Sandalwood together would help us restore our relationship after what happened in Charleston. But moving from South Carolina to California only seems to have put a bandage over a dirty wound, making me believe things had changed when it was clearly an infected mess beneath the surface.
“It’s time for a nap, buddy. Wanna sleep in the big boy bed with daddy?”
Teddy looks up at me with a sleepy smile and tired eyes and nods his head as I set him down on the bed in the guest room, tugging off first his glasses and shoes then slipping my shoes off as well.
We both crawl under the comforter, and Teddy lets out a playful little giggle that temporarily warms the brittle chips of ice my heart has turned into. Together, we snuggle in and then lift the blanket up and over our heads, completely engulfing us in the warmth and safety of hiding away from the world.
“I love you, Teddy.”
I lean forward and kiss him on the forehead.
“Love you, daddy,” he whispers, his eyes already drooping with the telltale sign of sleep that is trying to drag him under.
When he scoots closer and snuggles his tiny body into my side, clutching my shirt, I take a deep breath in then let it out. But instead of falling into some restless kind of slumber that I desperately need, I play Sean’s words over again in my mind. Allowing the truth of what he told me to really sink in.
Melody had an affair, I tell myself, swallowing thickly. Again.
And then I begin mentally reviewing the past year of our lives here in Sandalwood, trying to figure out how my perception of us could have been so wrong.
How the hell could I have thought we were making things better when it seems like things hadn’t really changed at all?
***
When I wake, I have a blissful moment where I forget.
I forget Melody is gone.
Forget about Sean pulling the rug out from under my life.
And for that brief ten seconds, as my mind claws its way out from the depth of sleep, all is right in the world.
In that version of life, the one where Melody is still alive, I’m not married to a woman who betrayed me again.
Instead, I’m married to a woman who put in long hours with a marriage therapist and agreed to pick up our lives and move across the country to start fresh.
I’m married to a woman who works tirelessly as an oncologist to give cancer patients the best chance at a long life, not someone who probably lied to me about her shifts so she could sneak into on-call rooms and fuck a guy she works with.
I’m married to a woman who told me just last week how much happier she is here in California, how thankful she is for our new life, not someone who was hinting that she prefers this affair to the last one.
But then my mind does make its way out from the depths, and I can’t help when my body instinctively curls into a ball.
I stay in bed for a few moments longer, the dim light on the walls telling me it’s early evening. I probably slept for a few hours, but Teddy isn’t in bed with me any longer, so I can only assume my dad or mom came up here at some point and plucked him away to try to give me a longer nap than would be possible next to a three-year-old.
Part of me wants to just stay right here and allow my fatigue to pull me back to sleep, into a dreamland where I can be free from what is really happening.
But ultimately I know I have a son I need to care for, so I drag my tired and achy body out of the bed, stretching my back briefly before opening the door and padding softly down the hallway and stairs, where I can hear Teddy’s giggles and my parents in quiet conversation.
“I think it could be really good for him. For both of them.”
I pause at the threshold to the kitchen, my still sleepy mind taking only a second to register the familiar voice.
August Haines, my closest friend from college and the only real friend I have here in Sandalwood. He’s been a saint the past few days, and I honestly don’t know where I’d be without him.
He was the one to let me know the hospital in Santa Barbara was searching for a new department head in oncology, and when Melody was offered the job, she said it would be so great for me to have a friend close by as most of her time for the first few months would be monopolized by her new job.
Little did I know what she really meant was Wouldn’t it be great if you had a friend to hang out with while I searched for a new guy to fuck behind your back?
I grit my teeth, clench my fists, and try to take long breaths instead of doing what I’d like to do, which is punch a wall.
