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I took out my phone and tried to call him, but it went straight to voicemail and I decided not to leave a message.
I hung up and sat down on the couch, my head in my hands. Tears streamed down my face, my body wracked with sobs. I felt so alone, so lost, so helpless. How could I fix this?
I spent the rest of the night pacing around the house, wondering what I could do to make things right.
I tried to distract myself with TV shows, but my mind kept wandering back to Jack. I couldn't stop thinking about him and all the pain he must be feeling.
As the night started to wear into the morning, I felt physically exhausted. My eyes were heavy with the accumulated stress of the day, and my body ached from all the pacing. I decided to try to get some rest for a couple of hours, hoping that things would be clearer in the morning.
I dragged myself to my bedroom, feeling like a zombie. Collapsing onto my bed, still fully clothed, I closed my eyes. My mind was still racing, but slowly, ever so slowly, I started to drift off to sleep.
Full-on morning came way too soon. I woke up feeling like the same jumbled mess that went to sleep. Only with even less energy now.
The knot in my stomach refused to go away.
I had to work, but I couldn’t focus on anything and my writing was especially sloppy.
I tried to push through the anxiety and focus, but it was no use. My hands were shaking, and my heart was racing. It was like I was in a constant state of fight or flight. I kept making so many mistakes in my writing that I had to start over, which only made my anxiety worse. I was in the middle of the worst of vicious cycles.
Around lunchtime, Brielle forced me to eat something, which was good since I hadn’t eaten since the day before. She was uncharacteristically quiet as we sat in my office with our sandwiches. I hadn’t told her what happened–shame mixed with confusion and sadness, I supposed–but she clearly knew something was up. I always had been terrible at hiding my emotions. But she always seemed to know what to do and say, and today, the best thing was to do and say nothing.
After the brief respite that was lunch, I was back to the constant anxiety. I tried breathing exercises, a walk around the building, and a meditation app. But I kept forgetting to count my breaths, the streets were too noisy, and the voice from the app was annoying me.
Then it was time to pick up Eli from school. My heart sank at the thought of facing the other parents in the parking lot. They would be happy and smiling, and I couldn't bear the thought of trying to make cheerful small talk. For a brief moment, I considered asking my mom to pick him up. But she already picked him up several days this past month, and I knew that asking her today would only make things worse.
I packed up my laptop and a few notes so I could work when I got home and made my way to the train station.
As I walked, I couldn't stop replaying all of my mistakes in my head. I felt like such a failure. My nerves were getting the best of me, and I could feel my palms getting sweaty.
The train ride felt like it went by too quickly, and I was in my car at the park-and-ride before I knew it. As I drove to the school, I tried to calm myself down. I took deep breaths and reminded myself that Eli was happy and healthy. That was all that mattered.
When I arrived at the school, there were probably fifty other parents waiting in the parking lot. I parked my car and got out, trying to blend in with the crowd. I felt like all eyes were on me, and I could feel my face turning red.
I felt a hand on my shoulder, and turned.
"Catherine!" She was a sight for sore eyes.
"Hi Maya! Fancy seeing you here. I don't normally pick up, but I had a free afternoon so thought I would surprise Hudson."
"Oh, that's so nice for you." As much as I wanted to be happy for her, I don't think it really came out as I intended.
"Is something wrong?" Catherine asked. The warmth that emanated from her took me right back to the fun we had at the yoga studio.
I sighed. "Just a tough day. I had an argument with Eli's father and I feel terrible. It's like the past has all flooded back in and it's swallowed me up whole."
"Oh, Maya, I'm so sorry about that. I'm sure Eli's father is just as confused about this whole situation as you are. It's going to take some time to work through everything. Time truly is a healer."
I nodded, looking down and trying not to cry and make a scene.
"Hey, why don't you and Eli come to the park to play with me and Hudson? I just have to run and pick up something from a client, but I can meet you there in about an hour? It'll be fun and while the boys are playing, maybe we can have a chat."
God, that was so nice of her and part of me felt like it was exactly what I needed. I agreed. She hugged me. "Okay," she said, "Let's get our rugrats and then see you soon."
We parted ways to get our boys. Eli finally came walking out of the school with his backpack slung over his shoulder. He looked so happy and carefree-a stark contrast to how I was feeling. I couldn't wait to give him a big hug and forget about my worries for a little while.
As he approached me, I knelt down to his level and opened my arms. He ran into them, and I held him tight. His little arms wrapped around my neck, and I felt his warmth against my skin. It was the best feeling in the world. He had felt so distant the last few days. Since he witnessed my and Jack’s first argument.
"I've got great news for you, Eli. I was talking to Hudson's mom and we're having a playdate together in about an hour. Doesn't that sound like fun?" Eli cheered and started dancing around.
