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“You should still be angry with me,” he says softly, as if he’s reading my mind. He’s meeting my eyes soberly. “I did feel trapped by nothing but bad options, but I did what I did out of fear. Of being rejected by you. Of your breaking my heart even more than it already was. What if you learned we were together and hated the idea of it? That felt like the most likely possibility, and I didn’t think I could live through it. But I was thinking about me in that. Not about you.”
I nod because I understand and agree with everything he’s telling me. I’m not shocked and angry anymore, but it does still hurt that he held back the truth from me for so long.
We sit in silence for a long time. I have no idea what to say, how to take us past this aching impasse.
Finally he says, “I’ve been thinking about this a lot. I was desperate before. Desperate with the fear of losing you. And it made me selfish. But when you fainted earlier today, I thought you were...” He makes a guttural sound. “I thought you might be gone. It was the worst moment of my life, but it helped to put things in perspective. I’m not going to be desperate again. I don’t have much practice, but I think I’m strong enough to do what’s really best for you without falling apart. And that’s what I want. What’s best for you and not just for me.”
“I want what’s best for you too,” I whisper.
His expression cracks for a minute before he’s able to continue. “What’s best for me is for you to be strong and well and free—and not putting aside anything that’s important for you just to be with me.”
“But—”
“Just hear my suggestion first. I promise I’m not pushing you away. You said earlier that you need space, and I think that was real. You were planning to go to Jenna in Charlotte, so once you’re well enough, why don’t you still do that? You take some time for yourself. Rest and recover for as long as you need. Even get a job if you want one. Try to connect with your old friends.”
It sounds so good in so many ways, but there’s one huge piece that’s missing. “But I want to be with you.”
“We can still be together. We can talk as much as you want, and I can come visit you whenever you want to see me. We can still be together, but no pressure. For real this time. Not just an excuse on my part to avoid taking a risk. I love you, Scarlett. I’ll love you for the rest of my life. But I really think—and I’ve always believed—that you need a little freedom and independence. And tying yourself to me out of love without ever getting the chance to be the person you want to be on your own is going to take some of that away from you.”
My mouth wobbles. My fingers tremble. “But you need me.”
“I’m really okay, baby. I do need you, but I can do this. I’m not going to fall apart while you do what you need to do. I want this—for you and for me. Of course I’d love to snatch you back right now and never let you go, but I don’t think either one of us has to love in desperation anymore. We can love freely. We can trust each other to always be there even when it’s hard. I love you enough to give you what you need.”
Tears pool in my eyes but don’t fall. “I love you that much too.”
He jerks his head to the side like he’s hit with sudden emotion. But he turns back to meet my eyes. “Then give me this. What I need right now is for you to take the space you need. And if you still feel the same about me afterward, we can spend the rest of our lives together.”
“I’d... I’d like that.” I smile at him, and he smiles back.
And for once it doesn’t feel like I’ve lost anything at all.
***
THREE MONTHS LATER, I check my hair for the fifth time in the vanity mirror of the small apartment I’ve been renting since I came to Charlotte. I stayed with Jenna for a few days, but she has a family and her own life, and she didn’t need a guest in her house for so long. So I found a short-term rental in a cute part of town and have been enjoying it.
Jenna even got me a temporary job at her library. It’s not the most exciting work—particularly after the work I’ve done on Arthur’s books—but it feels like a normal life and gives me something to do and money for bills.
I’ve had a good time these three months. I feel like myself again—whole and well and standing on my own feet. Arthur was right that I needed them, and I love him for making it possible.
He and I talk almost every day—sometimes for hours—and he’s come up twice so far to see me.
It doesn’t feel like enough, and I’ve been excited about this weekend for days now. He’s getting to town right now and can stay at least a few days.
Fred nuzzles at my feet. He’s clearly picked up my energy and is excited about whatever is happening.
“He’ll be here in a few minutes,” I tell him. “I know you’ve missed him too.”
Fred gives a little yap, panting up at me happily.
“I think... I mean, I’m going to see how I feel in the moment, but I’m pretty sure I’m going to tell him this weekend that I’ve had all the space I need.”
Fred cocks his head as if he’s trying to listen.
“I feel so much better. About everything. I think we both needed a little time, but I think that time is over. I don’t like being so far away from him. I think we both need to go home and be with him soon.”
Fred whimpers enthusiastically.
“So that’s what I’m going to tell him today. Jenna believes it’s the right time too, and she’s a lot smarter than me. Arthur will be so happy.”
