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Maverick
Fuck,whereisshe?And why isn’t she picking her phone?
Uneasy, my eyes roam through the sea of people looking for a flash of white.
Finally, I spot it.
Noelle’s making her way through the exit door, her head lowered, palm held out to shield her face.
Wait, she’s leaving?
Hastily pushing my way through the crowd, I sprint after her. The hallway is empty, save for the lingering scent of her perfume. Just then, my ears catch the faint thud of a door closing.
Racing toward the exit, I pray I get there in time to still catch up to her,
Come on, come on, come on.
I open the door and I run out, eyes wildly searching everywhere. Pressing the call button again let’s me know her calls are now going straight to voicemail. My heart is pounding as I swivel around, calling out her name in the night repeatedly.
Frantically looking everywhere, I notice a speck of white in the distance, walking past the parking garage.
“Noelle!” I yell, running to catch up to her.
She keeps walking, paying no attention to me.
“Noelle! Hold on!”
Reaching for her arm, she tries to swing it away but I hold on tightly to her. She struggles to free herself from my grasp but when she realizes that I’m not planning to let go, she lets them fall and whispers, “Please, I can’t take it anymore, I just want to go home.”
Her eyes are red and misty with tears. And there are red marks in her arm. I release her, but don’t move away.
“Noelle, what’s going on?”
She stares at me, then heaves a sigh. “This can’t work. I’m sorry but it can’t.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Us!” Her shoulders sag as she lets out another long exhale. “This whole thing between us. It’s a mistake.” Tears are falling down her face, but it’s like she isn’t even aware of them, even when each of them slices my heart.
“Not to me. And where the fuck is this coming from? Who put all that in your head?”
“No one, okay?” her voice breaks. “I just…I need to be alone.”
“Fine, but this is not a mistake,” I tell her resolute. It’s not. I know what I want and I can’t let her go without a fight. “I want you, Noelle.”
“Well, I don’t want you!” she explodes, her eyes flashing. And I stagger backward as if her words are a physical blow. “I can’t,” she whispers. “I’m sorry, but it has to end.”
The distant music from the party fills the silence. Noelle looks away, avoiding my eyes. How long has she been nursing this decision? I know she’s impulsive and quick to act, and underneath it all, she has an entire moral code that she lives by, a set of rules that propels her entire existence. I also know that she lied to me when she says she doesn’t want me. Even if she doesn’t realize it, that ‘I can’t’ ruined the whole effect. I know she is hurting and I wish she’d let me help her. I know I’d do whatever it took to see her smile.
“You want us to end it?”
Wrapping her hands around her body, she gives me a small nod.
I know she is lying, or at least partly so. I just don’t understand why. “And what does that leave me with?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, you have to know.” Why’s she doing this? Why’s she changing her mind now? “We had a deal. We started this because we wanted to help each other. And considering how I saved you from Burnham tonight, I can say it’s pretty much working. Why do you want to change that now?” I pause. “Wait. Did something happen, Noelle?”
