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I shake my head. “It’s a quote from Walter Langer. He was a psychoanalyst…” I pause and softly close my eyes. EvenI’mannoying myself. I open them again and smile politely. “It doesn’t matter. Thank you for driving me back.”
“He was sheltering you from the dangers of our lives, Alex. That’s how he loves. He becomes overprotective and worries all the time. He was scared for you because once you get involved with NSC, there’s no peace in your life anymore.”
And don’t I know it. Ethan and Elliot’s threat still resonates in my head. But I won’t tell Xi. They’ll soon see that I’m not part of his life anymore. If I’ve learned something from my father, it’s that you don’t negotiate with terrorists. You don’t give them anything. I will not be pulled into their war with Xi.
“That’s how he loves,” Billie repeats. “It’s annoying and confusing, but that’s the only way he knows how.”
A chuckle escapes me, turning into a small laugh before I start cackling like a crazy woman.
“Are you…okay?”
I shake my head because the truth is I’m less than okay. “I’m so dumb. Oh God, I’m so stupid. This isWhite Horse,” I hiccup between two crazy giggles. “White Horseby Taylor Swift. This isn’t afuckingfairytale. How…” my voice lowers to a desperate whisper as the brutal reality extinguishes my laugh. “How funny.”
Her eyes widen as she tilts her head to the side. She undoubtedly thinks I’m crazy, that I’ve lost it. I think I have, too. “You’re the only person I know who can go from quoting psychoanalysts to quoting Taylor Swift in less than a minute.”
“Yeah, well, I’mspecial. Didn’t Xi tell you?” I spit out, not believing one word of it. I’m not special. I’m nothing. I give her a pinched smile. “Bye, Billie.”
I shut the door, and she’s off the next second. I turn back to take in the grandeur of the Xi Epsilon mansion.
Nothing feels the same. I’ve come to realize that my new life wasn’t great because of the classes and the parties. It wasn’t because of the sorority, my sisters, or even living with my best friends. It was because of Xi. The man who used me made me feel like I was worth something. I was more than an image for my father, more than the failure he calls me, more than the hits from the belt. I was not an idiot, and I was not astupid, worthless girl.
Now I don’t know what I am, but I need to figure it out soon. I can’t be living through the men around me, waiting for them to tell me whether I’m significant or not.
I will change that. It’s a promise I make to myself. But it will have to start once I don’t feel like someone grabbed my heart and stabbed through it a million times before stomping on it.
26
ALEXANDRA
NEVER BREAK – Ethan Ross, Luga, Lames
“Will you stop biting your nails?” Ella whispers in front of me. “I’m trying to focus here.”
“Sorry,” I mumble. My English literature notebook is open right before me, but my phone rests in the middle.
I shouldn’t be so focused on my phone while I’m meant to be working in the library. Except how am I meant to focus when all I can think about is Xi?
He’s been texting me nonstop over the last three weeks since I found out about him using me. None of the texts I’ve received are reassuring. He said he would give me some time but that we weren’t over. He’s been asking about my days. He’s been checking that I’m eating well, staying hydrated, taking breaks. He’s been wanting to know about the bruises.
I didn’t reply to any of those texts. He needs to know weareover despite anything he might believe. He can’t force me into a relationship with him. That’s precisely what he thinks, but it needs willingness from both sides, and I’m not willing.
No, I’ve got another idea in mind.
My eyes go down to my phone again, and my stomach twists. The text he sent me last night is different. It scares me.
Xi: With or without your agreement, I will be getting the info I need, Alex. You’re better coming back to me while I’m still giving you a choice.
He’s got no shame. He’s blatantly telling me that he will keep going with his plan even though it’s what broke us up in the first place. His threat feels real, and I’ve been looking over my shoulder all day.
He wouldn’t hurt me…right?
My stomach twists, making me feel sick. Stress has been eating at me, and I still haven’t told any of my friends that I broke up with the man they told me would break my heart. Xi is a dangerous man, and yet my body still won’t let me get over him. I can’t help but touch myself to the memories of the things he did to me. I imagine other scenarios of him degrading me and making me love him for it.
“I’m going to deserve a drink after this,” Peach groans as she keeps typing a science essay on her laptop.
“I’m so excited for tonight’s party. Ready for Halloween,” Ella says excitedly.
Peach stops typing. “You know it’s going to be the worst night, right?”
