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Flared nostrils and reeling thoughts led to a reassuring smile.
Oh, Milo.
The tires of my truck pressured the concrete beneath it as I drove through the property, up the never-ending driveway. Finally making it to the roundabout, I parked alongside his i8. Contentment lulled my heart as I exited the driver’s side.
Patience befriended me as I opened the back door and grabbed the bag I’d packed for the duration of my stay. When I finally took the steps, one by one, my confidence level had risen tremendously. The boldness of my actions no longer terrified me, but empowered me.
For once, I was throwing all caution to the wind and taking a chance on something I’d tried forgetting and dismantling over the years. As I stood at the door, ringing the bell, I settled on the fact that it wasn’t easily forgotten and impossible to dismantle.
Ding Dong.
The bell sounded throughout the house and on the porch where I stood, preparing to wait. Factoring in the size of his home, an immediate answer was impossible unless he was near. With it being highly unlikely, I switched the bag from my right shoulder to the left as I balanced the weight of my body so that it was distributed evenly.
I rubbed my hands down the sides of the pajama pants I wore, peeping around me as the sounds of the creatures in the night became more apparent. Long, uneven breaths kept my anxiety at bay. With my right foot, I patted the concrete.
I should just… Maybe I should go.
Again, I’d entered the ring of fiery and was fighting my fears. The silence was deafening. It made so much room for doubt and discouragement.
You can’t, I commanded.
Bowing my head, I remained planted in place, refusing to take a step in the direction that felt most comforting for me at the moment. I shifted my line of vision toward my truck, wondering how long it would take me to return if necessary. Before the entertainment of the thought began, the locks began turning and the smile that I’d shed peeled my lips backward.
The door opened, exposing a shirtless Milo with dampened skin. Evidence of his fitness addiction left me breathless as I pushed through the door, past his dark figure, and into his home. The carefully chosen, ever-provoking scents of his home pushed any words that I managed to come up with down my throat and into the pit of my belly. And when he turned to face me, exposing the thick, mouthwatering print against his legs, I contemplated running out of the door I’d just come inside of.
“Nature,” he rushed out, inhaling deeply before releasing more words. “I wasn–”
“No,” I interjected, stopping him before he could continue.
If it wasn’t now, for me, then it would be never. The words I’d practiced in my head as I dried my body and prepared for this moment right after my shower showed grace and appeared on a prompter in my head. Sighing, I allowed the bag on my shoulder to fall to the floor.
“Listen, I-I have so much to get off my chest. And for once, I don’t want to keep it to myself. I don’t want to hide it. I want to put it all out there. Lay all of my cards on the table. I’m tired, Milo, of pretending. I can’t do it anymore.”
“Nature, now is—”
“I’m still in love with you!” I blurted, shaking my head as I chastised myself for waiting so long to tell him.
“I’ve never stopped loving you. Like, not even a little. This child, this child was my security blanket. A way to keep pieces of you in my world, safe pieces. Pieces that weren’t threatening. Pieces that I loved most about you. Pieces that I still remember and won’t ever forget. But since our son has been growing inside of me and we’ve gotten a bit closer over the months, I’m able to be honest with myself now.
“We’re just not close enough. I want to try to start anew. I want the late nights and early mornings with Mason… but I want them with you, too. I see it all the time. You. Me. Him. All of us. A family. I don’t want to do this alone. And I don’t want to co-parent, either. I want a solid, unbreakable bond. The one I thought we had all those years ago. I want that now. Maybe I’m selfish, but I can’t help but feel like you owe me that. You owe me a happily ever after. And you have to give it to me because there’s no one else in this world that has the power to.
“I know I’ve been a bitch to you over the last month. Holding onto this information and ignoring my truest feelings, but you scare me. You scare the shit out of me, Milo,” I scoffed. “But fuck fear. The risk can’t be heavier than the burden of not being able to love you loudly is. No one can convince me of that. In some crazy, perfect world, I can’t help but imagine we belong toge—”
Milo’s eyes cut toward the large, state-of-the-art staircase as the sound of human activity startled me. I followed his orbs. Simultaneously, our eyes landed on the thin, beautiful woman descending the stairs behind us.
At a loss of words, I turned around to find Milo staring at me again. This time, he moved closer, placing both hands on my arms. I caved, internally, but willed myself to remain composed as I gazed into his remorseful, regretful dark eyes. I felt my heart break all over again, watching as his lips tried forming words beyond my comprehension at the moment. Shattered, on the floor between us, my focus was leaning toward trying to capture as many pieces as possible of it before my life ended in tragedy and unexpectedly from the blunt force trauma to the chest.
“Nay. Look at me. Listen to me,” he begged. “Focus on me.”
My head turned, slowly peering over my shoulder as the young lady continued down the stairs. Milo’s hand touched my cheek, ever so gently, forcing me to face him. His handsome face displayed thick, bushy brows that folded as fear drove him to desperate measures.
“Please. Just focus on me. Listen—”
He didn’t have the words he wished did.
“I-I’m sorry. I shouldn’t ha—”
“Any time. Any time. Nay. Don’t do that. Don’t say that. FUCK!”
