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“Milo, it’s not that I don’t have hope in you. I do. I want to, at least. But let’s be for real. Right now, if I agreed to marry you, tomorrow. Can you honestly, truly say that you’re ready and you can be exactly who I need and what I need in a husband?”
Pausing, I thought long and hard about her question. Realizing there was a lot of work to do on my part, I shook my head.
“Nah. Not immediately, but eventually.”
“Eventually?” she scoffed. “Who the hell wants to rush forever just to have a husband eventually?”
“I’m saying there’s some shit I know I need to work on but they wouldn’t hinder me from being a good husband. But to be the best husband and man for you, it would take time.”
“And I know this. That’s why I’m saying that I don’t think you’d survive marriage right now and no time soon. You’re stuck in your ways, Milo. They’re not going to change overnight and I’m not willing to take that chance.
“Because, in the end, it’s my feelings that’ll be hurt. You’re obsessed with the idea of having me, but not the idea of the work it requires to get and keep me. That’s a problem. But it’s not my problem. It’s your problem. Besides, I’m enjoying the safety of being alone, even though it’s lonely.”
“I’m not a bad dude, Nay,” I clarified, needing to get it off my chest.
“I know you aren’t. I’ve never considered you as one either.”
“I’m human and I made a mistake so many fucking years ago. Why you still holding that over my head?”
“Because it’s still held over my heart. Time heals, but it doesn’t make you forget. That immense pain I felt didn’t go away in a week. It chained me to my bed for months and when I finally saw light again, I didn’t recognize it.
“I was in such a dark place for so long, Milo. Life continued for you. It stopped for me, completely. My mental, emotional, and physical health declined. I was a fucking mess, so forgive me for not wanting to go back there.”
“You won’t. I’m different.”
“You’re different?”
“I was a kid, Nature. We were the youngest on the campus. I was tutoring all the older, more mature students.”
“Making them a priority and putting me on the back burner.”
“Okay. You’re right about that.”
“You did to me exactly what my father had my entire childhood.”
“I know and I regret that shit.”
“And then—”
“I got the big head and gave your shit to someone it didn’t belong to.”
“Yes. And a mentee, nonetheless.”
“I was on some young nigga shit, Nay. Older broad constantly trying to jump on my shit. Temptation just… Man, I fucked up. But I’m trying to get past that. We’re grown now with a son on the way.”
“That you agreed to co-parent. Being together wasn’t part of the plan, Milo.”
“Because I expected us to be by now!” I confessed.
Shaking her head, she asked, “Is that why you agreed to father my child?”
“Part of it, yes.”
“Wow. Okay.”
“Come on. Don’t act like that shit wasn’t on your mind.”
“It wasn’t. Having a piece of you forever, yes, but as a means to keep you in my life to secure a position as what, your baby mother? No, Milo. That wasn’t on my mind. Have you forgotten, I was on my way to have a stranger’s sperm injected in my womb so I wouldn’t have to deal with any of that.”
