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“Jesus, Rose!” Ren curses when he enters the kitchen, snatching the bottle from my hands. I don’t bother arguing. I just grab another bottle and flee the kitchen. I don’t look at Ren, unable to face his pain. I don’t look at anyone in the room as I pass the couch, heading for the stairs.
When I get to my room, I shut the door, lock it, and slide down the wall until my ass hits the floor. I keep drinking until my room spins, and then I drink more.
At some point, Nissa shows up and forces me off the floor and onto my bed. With tears in her eyes, she packs my bag for me. Whatever she’s saying isn’t heard as my alcohol-soaked brain tunes out the world.
There’s still pain, though, so when she takes away my vodka, I reach for the mouthwash. I think that upsets her, but nothing penetrates. I can’t be bothered to care, especially when she hands me back the vodka. When she forces me to drink water, I don’t argue. When she literally shoves a cracker in my mouth, I chew, then swallow.
One by one, all the guys in the house visit my room that night, saying what I can only assume is how sorry they are. I ignore them all. There’s a moment when someone else’s crying grabs my attention, and I see Sadie wrapped in Fallon’s arms. I look away.
Visions of a chubby-faced kid dance in my mind as I do everything in my power to drown them out.
In the morning, after a night of almost no sleep, Nissa and Sadie get me out of bed and into the shower. Nissa washes my hair, and I can’t be bothered to even brush my teeth, so she does her best. I’m dressed and sitting in a car between Nissa and Holden as Fallon drives us to the airport, Sadie in his passenger seat.
I heard Nash tell Holden he and Ren would be at the funeral. I’m being forced to refrain from drinking as we make our way through security. When a TSA officer gives Nissa shit for helping me, she snaps at him with tears in her eyes. I don’t even hear her words. Holden keeps sending worried glances my way…
Every so often, Nissa presses tissues to my cheeks. I haven’t stopped crying.
Maybe I never will.
At some point, as I stare out the window Nissa sat me in front of, my tears do stop though, and I just…sit here. Numb.
If I let myself think of anything, for even a moment, I start crying again. It’s not until we’re in the air and the flight attendant asks if we want a drink that I get my hands on more alcohol.
The flight is only two hours. None of us checked a bag, so we just walk out to passenger pick up.
I hear her voice before I see her. When I look up, and I see my mother's red, swollen eyes, the dam breaks. I let her take me into her arms as I cry. The feel of her small body rocking with sobs in my arms makes everything hurt so much more than I thought possible.
“I’m so sorry, Mom!”
“Me too, baby, me too.” She squeezes me before stepping back. I feel weak as she releases me, opening her arms for Holden. It’s the first time I’ve looked at him since last night.
He holds my mother in his big arms, comforting her with words I can’t hear. They seem to help as she smiles up at him, cupping his cheek in her small hand.
She hugs Nissa next as Scott finishes loading our bags into the car's trunk. We climb in, with my mom taking the back seat, so she can hold me. Holden sits in the passenger seat while Scott drives. Nissa is on my other side and rests her head on my other shoulder.
Things pass in a bit of a blur as I try to keep my shit together. I need to eat but can’t bring myself to swallow anything that isn’t alcohol. I need sleep, but every time I willingly close my eyes, I see my dead brother’s face. I haven’t even asked what happened. How he was found, where he was. Where he is now…
I can’t.
Hours later, I’m sitting in my mother’s living room, surrounded by family and a few friends, as everyone drinks and talks. A box is brought out and placed in the middle of the floor. Pictures of Nix and me growing up are passed around the room as smiles and tears are shared.
But all I can do is drink and cry.
A silence falls over the room when my father walks through my mom's front door. I watch, numb, as my mom throws herself into his arms, and they cry together. Scott walks over, caressing my mom's back soothingly, and when she pulls away from my dad, the two men share a short hug as well.
The only thing that seems to penetrate is the realization that my father is sober. His clothes are clean, and other than the clear signs that he’s been crying, his eyes are clear. He walks without swaying, and when our eyes meet, I look away.
That is, until my father is on his knees in front of me. He doesn’t ask, he just pulls me into his arms, and though I resist, eventually his familiar scent hits me like a wrecking ball.
I cling to him, sobbing violently. Through it all, he just holds on tighter. He whispers soothing words, rocking me side to side. At some point, he took the seat next to me and is now cradling my head against his chest.
“I’m so sorry, baby girl. I’m so sorry. I love you. Shh, it’s going to…” his words trail off.It’s going to be okay,he wanted to say, but he knew those words would be a lie. “I’m here, my love, I’ve got you,” he says instead.
At some point, I must have fallen asleep because I’m briefly aware that I’m being tucked into a bed before blackness takes over.
CHAPTER THIRTY EIGHT
“Brother” by Kodaline
