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I pushed through the front doors in a rush, still holding my heels in my hands. It felt like I was tripping on drugs, like the Earth was spinning faster and faster as it tilted farther on its axis. Nothing felt right and I wanted to crawl out of my skin. My entire surroundings were completely distorted and I just wanted it to stop.
Stumbling down the walkway, I found a small garden with a bench tucked in the center of it. My feet felt like there were bags of sand tied to my ankles. The grass tickled my skin and the sensation was almost too much for me to handle. The blades were cold, yet it felt like they were burning through my flesh, branding me in the worst way.
I dropped down onto the bench and laid down on my side, pulling my knees up to my chest as I laid in the fetal position. My eyes were squeezed shut and I absentmindedly pulled my dress down to cover my legs. It was borderline embarrassing but thankfully no one was around to witness me falling apart.
“It’s okay. It will all be okay,” I whispered to myself as I inhaled through my nose and out through my mouth. “It’s not real. I just need to breathe.”
Counting my breaths, I continued with the method as I tried to will myself into a state of calm and serenity. It was impossible. My heart felt like it was going to explode and the pressure on my chest was crushing. I abruptly sat up as my sister stepped into the garden.
“Winter,” she said softly, her eyes searching mine. She had seen me have panic attacks before and there was a look of understanding that passed through her irises. “Come on, let’s get you home.”
I swallowed roughly, my tongue sticking to the roof of my mouth. It felt like I had just smoked an ounce of weed with how bad the cotton mouth feeling was. I looked at my sister. It felt like everything was closing in on me. She held out her hand and I nodded as I slid my hand into hers.
Sutton slid her arm around my shoulders and helped guide me over to where the valet parking was. I closed my eyes and leaned into her as I continued to focus on my breathing. I needed to be home in bed, in the dark silence. The exhaustion was beginning to set in and I knew it would be over soon, but the only real solution at this point was forcing myself to sleep.
The car ride was silent back to the house and I closed my eyes as I pressed my face against the cool glass of the window. I hated the sensation, the way it felt like it was burning, but it was a reminder that I was still alive. All of this was real. I just needed to keep breathing and it would eventually pass.
It wasn’t long before she was pulling up in front of the house and helping me out of the car. I didn’t need her help. I could walk by myself, but I let her help me anyway. “What can I do, Winter? I don’t know how to help you.”
I shook my head at her as she opened the front door for me and I stepped inside the massive house. “There’s nothing anyone can do. I just need to go to sleep.”
My sister paused as she stared at me for a moment. Her eyes were soft and gentle, yet she looked worried and helpless. “Let's get you up to bed then.”
Sutton walked with me until we reached my bedroom. I hated that my bedroom—my safe place—belonged to memories of him. It didn’t even feel like it was my room, but I found myself slipping out of my dress and into an oversized t-shirt before climbing into the bed.
“Do you want me to stay in here with you?” Sutton asked me, her voice quiet, yet overbearing with the way my mind was convoluting and distorting external stimuli.
I shook my head at her and closed my eyes. “I just need to be alone.”
She was silent for a moment. “I’ll be in the other room if you need me. I’ll spend the night here so you’re not alone.”
Her words pulled at my heart. I wanted to be alone, yet not completely. Panic attacks used to scare the shit out of me and since it was my first one in years, it had left me really shaken up. I didn’t feel right at all. The thought of her being in the house so I wasn’t alone brought a sense of comfort I had been struggling to find during this attack.
“Thanks, Sutton,” I told her, my voice quiet as I peered up at her.
She gave me a small smile and rubbed my arm. “That’s what sisters are for.”
Sutton left the room without another word and I buried myself deeper beneath the covers. The silence settled around me, but my mind only grew louder. My eyelids were burning, the sheets felt too silky against my skin. None of it felt right. My skin no longer fit the way it did earlier and I wanted to remove it from my body, leaving nothing but bare bones, muscles, and blood.
Seeing Kai was the last thing I had imagined happening tonight. I was completely blindsided, and the panic attack was not something I had planned on either. I had worked through them before on my own, but there was a moment of despair and helplessness.
The one person who could reach me when I was lost in an attack was the very person who had caused it. I couldn’t reach out to him, I couldn’t ask him to come comfort me. It was conflicting as hell and my soul was splitting in two.
The only place I was safe was in my mind with my memories of him. I kept them buried deep inside, never daring to open Pandora’s Box, but desperate times called for desperate measures. I needed him and that was the only way I was going to have him…
* * *
“Winter,” Kai murmured as he shifted across my bed, scooting closer to me. It was late in the evening and Kai wasn’t supposed to be at my house, but my parents were away for the weekend and Sutton was at a friend's house.
My panic attacks had become more frequent during our senior year of high school. My mother blamed it on the pressure of preparing for college, but it wasn't from the pressure of that. It was the pressure of life—of the expectations my parents put on me. They were always going on about Sutton and how well she was doing.
Sometimes I couldn’t help but feel like I was just drifting, alone and lost in the world. It would happen at the drop of a hat, not necessarily triggered by anything. All it would take was my mind wandering and then I would be hit with the most violent reality check that had everything crashing around me.
Malakai was the only one who could hold it together.
With him, I wasn’t lost and alone.
He always knew how to find me.
