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“What? I mean it’s your own damn fault if you’re not getting any. You only have yourself to blame for that from the sound of it.”
“Hmmm… maybe…” A thoughtful frown formed in Ethan’s forehead.
“Don’t fuck it up, Eth. Just don’t.”
“Wow, that’s deep,” Ethan shook his head.
“It’s fucking gold, that’s what it is. And I’ll give you one more for free, because you’re my brother.” Matty held on to Ethan’s stare.
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah. You ready?” Matty raised his eyebrows in question while Ethan nodded.
“No one expects you to save everyone, Eth. Not me. Not your folks. Not anyone.”
“I know that,” Ethan mumbled.
“Do ya?”
“Yeah, of course I know that.” What sounded like doubt seeped through Ethan’s deep voice.
“Okay,” Matty nodded. “Then go be happy, Eth. No one deserves it more than you. I mean that. You need to go find your own path—no one else’s—and be happy.”
“Yeah…” Ethan looked longingly at the grey-blue sea. Clouds were beginning to gather in the sky which had been the clearest blue only a few minutes ago.
Matty rose from the pier and reached his hand down towards his best friend.
“C’mon, Eth. Rain’s coming. Better get going.”
CHAPTER FIFTY-SIX
Ethan – Now
“ETH? ETHAN?” Adistant voice pulled at him from a dreamlike state. He opened his eyes slowly and blinked at the sun. Taking in his surroundings, Avery stood on the sidewalk looking up at him questioningly, a soft smile covering his slightly parted lips.Shit.He must have dozed off. He sat up straight, rubbed his head which had been resting against the front door.
“Hey,” he mumbled sleepily, smiling back.
“What are you doing here?” Avery wrinkled his brows, golden locks pulled back in a messy ponytail. Ethan felt his fingers tingling, wanting to wrap them around the back of Avery’s neck, pull him against him and just… “If I’d known you were coming today, I would’ve come back earlier…” Avery squinted in the afternoon sun, cheeks taking on a pinkish glow. He was wearing dark jeans and his usual cotton t-shirt was replaced by a pale blue linen shirt that made his eyes pop. Ethan caught a glimpse of his slender collarbone, the two top buttons of his shirt unbuttoned, the pale blue of the thin fabric against his tanned skin.
“Yeah, that’s okay…” Ethan blinked. He hadn’t expected the physical reactions seeing Avery again would cause. “I just wanted to stop by real quick and say hi on my way back… uhm… home,” Ethan almost didn’t recognize his own voice. It sounded strange and his tongue felt thick and alien as he spoke. There was something about the words that felt wrong, and a suffocating sensation spread throughout his chest, squeezing at his ribs and his heart.
“Oh,” Avery whispered, his frail voice drowning in the afternoon traffic, eyes turning a darker shade of blue. “Well, come in then,” he breathed, not looking at Ethan, as he walked up the stairs, shoulders slumped forward. He looked smaller than Ethan recalled. Thinner somehow. Only, he couldn’t be. It was no more than two weeks since they’d last seen each other but still Avery looked different. Maybe it was the clothes. The shirt was kinda baggy. Or the way that the afternoon light hit his face.
Ethan got up and when Avery reached him, he held out his hand and drew Avery against him. Sighing into his neck, he inhaled all Avery’s sweetness and on a strangled exhale Ethan once again felt this odd sense of belonging. Like he’d been adrift but now, once again being close to Avery, feeling his slender body flush against his own, Ethan settled into his own skin.
It was the first time that Avery didn’t hug him back. He stood frozen at the top of the stairs, limp arms hanging along his sides, fists clenched, knuckles white.Please hug me back, Avery,Ethan thought as he felt the weariness in his bones.Please hug me back.But instead, Avery pushed at Ethan’s shoulders and untangled himself from his embrace, face indecipherable. Pulling his keys from his pants pocket, his voice came out neutral, devoid of any kind of emotion.
“How was Maine?”
“Good. It was good, Avery.” He sought Avery’s gaze, searching for their usual connection, but Avery avoided his stare, face stoic aside from a nerve ticking at the corner of his left eye.
“Good. That’s good,” Avery whispered, a slight tremor in his voice. “C’mon, then,” he continued over his shoulder as he unlocked the massive, wooden door, pushed it open and entered the security code. The house was empty and quiet, exactly as he’d left it a few weeks ago. It felt like yesterday that Avery had made him an omelet in the kitchen, telling him about his parents. Showing him pictures of Mattie. Letting Ethan in.
He trailed behind Avery into the kitchen, his gaze immediately landing on the ridiculous painting on the wall. The naked man seemed even more caricatured now, throwing Ethan an arrogant look. He felt like pulling it down, turning it around, facing the wall. He didn’t want to be scrutinized, judged perhaps, by the vulgarity in the man’s eyes.
“You want coffee?” Avery asked as he opened the fridge. “Or something cold perhaps?”
“Avery…”
