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I cried out at the emptiness she brought. She was desolation. True nothingness. And she’d swallowed me whole.
“Shh, my love,” Julian’s voice said as he tried to soothe me. Even in dreams I couldn’t escape his voice. But I knew it couldn’t possibly be him. I wasn’t his love.
“Go away,” I said, though I was glad my dream had shattered at the sound of his voice. I’d feared I’d be lost in the blackness forever. My body was wracked with chills and not even calling on my dragon fire could get me warm.
It wasn’t until the bed shifted and I felt a hard body behind me that I realized I wasn’t really alone. I woke slowly and stiffened at his touch.
“Why must you fight me, even in sleep?” he asked.
I didn’t have an answer, so I stayed silent. We lay quietly a few more minutes until I began to relax. Then he spoke, and tension filled me once again.
“I have done you a great disservice, lifemate. I owe you an apology.”
I turned over to face him, unsure if I’d heard his words correctly.
“Excuse me?” I asked.
“I apologize,” he repeated.
“Why?” An apology seemed a little out of character for the man I’d come to know.
“You know only a portion of the man,” he said, reading my mind. “We are still new to each other, and this union will have many pitfalls because it is our nature to fight first and ask questions later. But I know that we were truly meant to be lifemates. I didn’t bargain with the gods for you, I give you my oath, but I would do anything for them because they blessed me with you. It would be hell to spend eternity apart. And I do not wish for the time we have together to be in strife. The apology is mine to make, and I hope we can come to live in peace with each other if you decide you do wish to reside with me. I have never been close to a woman before. Or spent any time with them outside of the bedchamber.”
“Why not?” I asked, curiously.
“Because women are the same. They are softer. It doesn’t matter what culture or time period they come from. They want affection and love and to be showered with attention. I’ve never met a woman who I wanted to give those things to, and I wouldn’t begin to know how to give them.”
I knew this already because I’d seen his true feelings when we’d faced each other earlier. For all his age and wisdom, he truly had no knowledge of what those things were. He only knew of loyalty and obedience and matters of war.
“You may not realize it, but everyone wants love and attention and devotion,” I said softly. “We all need it. Not just women. Without those things our souls would wither and die. Love can make us so much more than we already are.”
His eyes became guarded, and the diamond-shaped pupil of his eyes shrunk to the size of pinpricks. “I’m not sure I can give you what you are asking, Rena. In my head I know that our people must come first, even above each other. But you are my lifemate and I can feel your pain. It overwhelms my senses until I can’t think of anything but soothing you. I know that our life force is now shared, but I feel as if I am splitting my loyalties.”
“I’m not asking you to neglect the needs of your people. I know you carry a great burden, and I will help you however I can. But I think if you will treat me as your equal and not one of your people to command, you’ll find things like affection will come naturally. We should always try to please each other, and maybe the love will find its way. I’ve never experienced it either, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want it.”
His skepticism was obvious, and I saw into his mind and heart before he could close it against me. He didn’t see how it was possible I could ever become his equal. My power was less than his.
He chose his words carefully, trying to work his way around the temper I’d shown earlier and still get what he wanted. He was a master at manipulation. “I cannot promise you the love that you want. I do not understand it, and it appears as if it could be a weakness.” I dropped my gaze and stared at the spot just above his collarbone because I couldn’t bear to see the pity in his eyes.
He smoothed the hair back from my face, and his warmth sunk into the coldness of my bones. “I’ll be forever grateful to the gods for choosing you for my lifemate, but love has no place in the midst of battle. I’m sorry that you have been burdened with such an emotion toward me.”
“I’m not sorry,” I said, finally coming to terms with my emotions. Just because Julian didn’t love me didn’t mean I could stop loving him. Tears streaked down my face, and I hated that he was witness to my weakness. My dragon nudged at me gently, comforting me. She hurt too, and she didn’t understand the other emotions that got in the way of the physical act of mating. Being tied intimately to Julian was all she needed to be happy. But I needed more.
“I don’t like to see you cry. The archives say that it is my job to see to your happiness, as it is yours to see to mine. I have failed you.”
He kissed each tear away gently, and licked the salty liquid from his lips. Dragon tears held many magical properties and were often used in healing. But nothing could have healed me at that moment.
I was going to have to suck it up. Julian and I were different. We didn’t understand each other, but maybe the gods had something else in mind when they’d put us together.
“I must go,” he finally said. “There are things that need to be tended to. Traps to be set.”
“What do you need me to do?” I asked.
“My wish is that you stay here. I feel we are close to exposing our enemy, and I want you to be protected.”
“How am I supposed to stand by you and fight when I’m locked in a room? Your orders were that every man and woman would fight. I cannot be an exception to the rule.”
“And you won’t be. But we have not found The Destroyer yet. The gods are fickle beings and could see fit to make things difficult for us. Remember that the Prophecy was not their original creation, but given to us by the goddesses. There’s no guarantee they’ll honor the words that have fueled our existence for the last eleven thousand years.”
